I came out to my friend…

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Okay. I met this girl and we only hung out a few times. One night, she came up to my college and a boy pushed us both in a bathroom. We started making out intensely. After that she started coming up every single weekend. She’d even take the train to come up. We were together all the time and we’d flirt and I’d catch her starring at me, the eye contact was unbelievable. We’d always be near each other constantly. It was her birthday and we all went out to the club. We were dancing and she tried making out with me but I backed away. We were dancing and she told me to go against the wall and started dancing with me. She was making a joke about how we share money, and it was like we were girlfriends and I said what? And she got nervous and said something else. The tension between us was palpable. That went on for every weekend for two months. I was dealing with family problems and I had to live on my own and dropping out was the only way to get money.

At that exact moment of my revelation she called me. I told her what I was going to do and she said that she wanted to come. We ended up moving cross country within two weeks. I know. Haha. But right when we moved down here we were at a club with these two boys dancing and she told she thought there was sexual tension between us. I backed away and said “yes I know please stop”… At that moment, I knew that if I gave in that would’ve been it. I wouldn’t have wanted to see her go. This all came to mind so clearly because I just got my nose pierced and it gave me quite a “revealing shock”… But after that she grabbed me and lead me to the other side of the club, I stopped her and we just starred at each other and then the boys caught up to us. Later that week she was with this boy, and she came rushing back to the apartment. She told me that while she was kissing him all she could think of was me. She left the boys house kind of abruptly and he was texting her some mean things. She started crying and I kissed her forehead and told her she was beautiful. She said all we need is each other, and I smiled and fell asleep. A couple of weeks later, she called me one night when she was supposedly drunk, she told me that she didn’t care about the boy I wanted to introduce her to, and that if I wanted to hear her underwear make noise. She made the seductive noise and then started randomly fighting with her parents and hung up.

The next day, she was back and talking to her friend thanking her that she stayed up late to talk to her after the fight. Which means she was quite stable and remembers what she said to me. I continued to be distant and ignore the signs. We continued to talk about guys and hung out with them, and the flirtation and beautiful tension begun to fade. I don’t know it was me, we just moved here; I was afraid to get used and then left with a heavy heart and… rent. I knew how difficult it is to be in a relationship with a girl and coming out. And even if she was just trying to experiment, or it was something more, I don’t know, was I wrong? So, it’s been several months later, she is back at home and I am back here, filled with a mind of “what if’s.” (It’s the worst “mind filler” to have in my opinion.) I finally said what the hell, what do I have to lose and texted her. I told her everything, from my sexuality (bi) to everything she said and how I felt about it (that I was scared because if I went further, I could have a relationship with a girl, god, the only thing I didn’t tell her was that I love her…) She texted me back, and I have never gotten such a sick feeling in my stomach, so sick that I puked. She told me that she never said those things, that she was drunk if she did, that she strictly likes guys and never want that with a girl. She said that she’d text me later and never did.

It’s been a week and she hasn’t texted me or called. Now, I leave for boot camp in a week! Did I make the right decision by telling her? I feel like an idiot. I loved her and totally blew her off and all the signs because of my cowardness and over secured walls… help please needed thank you so much…

Adrianna xx