Had sex with my possibly “bi” best friend that I am in love with…

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Bet you haven’t seen that post title before!  Well, so here’s my story…. I would love feedback, because I am so confused!!

Over the past 5 months, I have spent a lot of time with this girl (we’ll call her Mindy! :) ….. there has undoubtedly been “something” between us for these past 5 months.  the second I saw her, I fell completely head over heels for her.  Whenever I look into her eyes, I KNOW there is something between us.  Our eye contact is so intense, it’s almost unbearable.  I have never been so physically and spiritually attracted to someone before in my life.

When we first started hanging out, she knew I was a lesbian, and told me she had been thinking about dating a girl.    She has had sex with girls before (though, all but one of them was b/c her ex boyfriend made her have 3somes), but hasn’t ever been in a relationship with one (she’s in her late 30s)

I spend the night at her house all of the time. A lot of times, we just get drunk and cuddle, or dont cuddle at all.  She told me she would makeout with me. She’s told me she would let me f*** her (under her breath when she was drunk once).   She would tell me on nights she knew we were going out drinking and that I was going to sleep over, that she had just been waxed down there.  She tells me the girls kissing girls scenes in some movies are her favorite scenes.   She kissed me on the side of my mouth and whispered “I love you” into my ear a few weeks ago when we were at a party.  She always holds my hand in public when we go out drinking.  She talks about “our” house we are going to have, and our garden one day, and all of the trips we are going to take together, etc etc….She flirts with me a lot.  most of the time, I have been too freaked out to do anything.  I have been with many girls, but this one looks like a supermodel, and I’ve never been with someone so hot before….She makes me nervous she is so hot.  I dont know if this is normal friend behavior ( I dont have many girlfriends…just guys)

She claims that I am her best friend, and I spend several days with her out of every week.  Yet, she told me the other week that several weeks ago, she went on several dates with this guy, but they stopped talking.  I got jealous.  I also thought it was really weird that a supposed best girl friend would fail to mention to her ”BFF” this new guy she’s going on dates with for a few weeks considering we speak every single day…. was she just making it up to see if i would be jealous??  or are we dating and she didn’t want to disclose info about someone else she is also dating???

Sooo….anyhow, there is so much tension between us, you could cut it with a knife.  Strangers come up to us and ask if we are together.  When we say no, they tell us we should be.

We got pretty drunk the other night, and like usual, I went back to her house…  I dont know what happened, but before I knew it, we were having sex!  it was very HOT and fun.  Obviously, for me, this was a dream come true.  I truly am very much in love with this girl and had wanted this to happen for months!  But now I am even more in love with her, and I can’t stand the thought of not knowing what it would be like to be in a relationship with her.  Its all I want, and I feel like we would be so amazing together.  I wish I wasn’t so afraid of rejection from this so called straight girl….she’s never labeled herself to me, actually…

Anyhow, we woke up and cuddled in the morning.  She called me later that evening and left me a voicemail that said she hoped that she hadn’t ruined anything between us, and she felt that what happened was totally crazy and really fun, and that it was a positive thing that made us even closer, and that she would never do anything that would hurt our friendship (so confused!!!)  and then said if I ever needed to talk to her honestly about anything, that she is an open book.

We hung out again the next night….it was very flirtatious again, the tension was there, and we didn’t talk about what happened until I was already back at her house again.  I told her I was glad about what happened, and it doesn’t change anything between us, and I felt like it was a positive thing too…and I also said I wouldnt have had to be that drunk to sleep with her.   We then cuddled in bed and I woke up and we were spooning each other…

So, what are your thoughts on this situation?  I am so in love, and dont want to be one of those lesbian friends that gets eaten alive by a hot straight girl!  What can I do now to actually be with her?  How do I know if she actually likes me?  I am clueless and so very very confused.  All I want is for what happened between us to keep happening, and for things to grow….I dont think it’s possible for me to be just friends with her.  The thought of just that makes me depressed….I really feel like we should be together.   What should I do??  Thank you for any input…..

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