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Well this is my first time doing this so here it goes..
Im 14, yeah kinda young for this stuff. Ive never really liked guys,they’ve always been my friends, and i grew up as a tom boy. ive only had one boyfriend but only because my friends pressured me into ‘dating’ him. About 2 years ago i met this girl at school. Shes my bestfriend, and shes my everything. Lets call her “R” I started having feelings for her about a year ago. i thought this was just a bestfriend thing, but ive never had such strong feelings for just one person before. Then i started having dreams about us kissing and becoming more than friends. I constantly felt like she was teasing me by the way she would get me to give her back massages and play with her hair. I had no idea what was going on with me and i surely wasnt gonna tell her about my feelings because maybe that would push her away, or she might think i was a freak.
Over the summer i was at her house, her and her boyfriend were on the phone talking about sexual stuff so she had me go on the computer and search porn, just as a joke. but i guess it got her thinking.. When we went to be that night she held my hand like we usually did when we slept but then she asked me very nervously if i would like to kiss her. So of course i agreed. But she said afterwards that it was a one night “experimental” thing and she didnt want to do it again. After that night things went on like normal and we didnt speak about it.
About two maybe three weeks later, she spent the night at my house. We both layed down on my bed and she wrapped her arms around me and our faces were sooo close to touching but we talked for about 10 minutes until she reached up and kissed me on my cheek. I told her that i didnt want to mess up everthing we already had, but then i fell into her trap and gave in. So we kissed for a while and did other things that we shouldnt have because now my feelings are stronger than they’ve ever been for her. She said that she still wanted to date guys but she also wanted to do this with me. I agreed to that because i still wanted to do that too and i didnt want to upset her. But Still after that night we didnt talk about what happened.
About a month later, nothing had happened between us, it was normal like we always acted. But then i stayed over at her house and i asked her if she wanted to do anything and she said eww, no because her boyfriend changed her views on kissing me and she would rather be with a man than a woman. So i just dropped it, until 10 minutes later she came close to me and kissed me for about 5 seconds and threw a fit about how she doesnt like me that way any more and we shouldnt have done that in the first place.
That literally crushed me, and made me love her even more. We havent talked about it since then and shes been hanging around with new people, and ive been extremely jealous. Shes all i think about. when i see her i get butterflys in my stomach and my heart beats like crazy. She stays at my house less than once a month and it kills me to hear her talk about her new friends and her new boyfriend. She sleeps farthest away from me on the bed and she used to make me rub her back and hold her hand, not anymore. Then we stopped hanging out, outside of school and she doesnt really talk to me at school any more.
About a 2 weeks ago she started calling me on the phone and weve been talking again. She stayed at my house twice this week and both times shes made me rub her back, she rubs her feet against me when we are sleeping and she acts just like we used to.
Last night she was at my house, we were laying in bed together and she told me how her new friend (who is also a girl) was saying that she liked “R” and that she wanted to date “R”. But she strait up said no that she only likes guys. So i didnt know if she directed that towards me meaning that she didnt want anything more than friends with me? I have no clue? I really want to ask her about it but i dont want to creep her out or think of me any different. What should i do?