Seriously confused about my sexuality…

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I am 15 years old, and I know at that age is where a lot of people start to question their sexuality. I also know that you shouldn’t ‘label’ yourself so quickly but I can’t help but want to know which I am.

When my friends talk about boys and how ‘fit’ or ‘hot’ they are I don’t feel the same way they do. Sure, they seem to be good looking but that’s pretty much it. I have never had an attraction to males before – physically or emotionally. This might be going in too much detail but I think that the male genitalia is gross. I would never allow myself to engage in sexual contact with a male. I do enjoy the company of a man though – they do make good friends but I think that is as far as it is going to go.

Whereas females are the opposite. I have been physically and emotionally attracted to girls before. When a female has a great personality and is attractive, I sort of crush on her. I feel weird in my stomach and sometimes I have to force myself to look away from them. I currently have this one person on my mind and I can’t stop thinking about her. When I do think about her or when I see her, I immediately smile. This has never, ever happened with a guy.

I think my feelings for women are stronger than for men. I feel that women are just amazing (not to be egotistical). Don’t get me wrong, males are awesome too, it’s just that I’m not emotionally drawn to them. I feel that kissing a female would excite me much more than if I kissed a guy. My fantasies are 100% with a female. (I even had a weird dream about me being a lesbian). But I see myself being married to a man with kids one day. Maybe it is because society has always depicted heterosexual relationships as the norm, which has made me think this way. I’m not certain. But at the same time, I see myself waking up on Sunday morning and rolling over to the side and seeing a female rather than a male.

There’s a big catch. I’ve never had a relationship with either boys or girls. So I don’t know if I’m *actually* attracted to either one.

I live in a small village, where most of the population are traditional and there are quite a few homophobic people. My family is well, Asian and the short story is that if you are gay, you will basically bring shame onto the family (at least that’s the impression I get from my whole family anyway). So if I were gay, I don’t think I could come out to them, even though they are the most liberal one out of my other extended families (my aunts and uncles – all but one are immigrants are more conservative and super strict. My cousins and siblings would be more accepting as they’ve been brought up in the Western world).

I guess I should add one more thing. When my mom and I were watching a TV show that had a gay storyline in it, we were discussing about the LGBT community. Then she asked me whether I was a lesbian or not (jokingly or not, I do not know). I was caught so off guard I denied it and I swore I blushed/laughed nervously, which makes me think I didn’t convince her. ¬†Mothers are mothers and they just seem to know a lot about you. So I’m not too sure what my mother thinks about me right now, and I dare not ask.

I’m not sure if this is a phase or whether I’m straight, bisexual or a lesbian. I would love to hear any advice. ¬†Thanks in advance and apologies for the long question/post.

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