At a lost

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I don’t even know where to start. It all started in Oct of last year. I have always been attracted to females but never cared to come out, for I have never fallen for one completely until her. She came into my life and it was a complete shocker. I wasn’t even attracted to her right off. We became good friends, and that was it I fell in love, before I even realized it myself. I would make up reasons to talk to her, and to be in her presence. I would go out of my way to be there for her no matter what was going on. Well I still wasn’t out of the closet, but we started talking anyways. She threw me a 21st birthday party, and it was great well so I thought. At the party she was completely distant. I ended up leaving because I couldn’t take it, and she ended up texting me saying she couldn’t do this anymore. She never would tell me why, well I eventually found out it was because I wasn’t out. So I told everyone for her. We ended up back together but it only lasted a whole two days. For her ex came back in town and she told me she had mixed emotions when it came to him. That she was still in love with him but she knew she deserved better. Well I ended things with her because she couldn’t promise me that nothing would happen with him being home. But I was completely heartbroken and never could get her off my mind. Well she eventually gave up on him, and we became friends again and I promised that’s all we would ever be, but of course it became more once again. We started dating in December, and this time she ended things with me, but I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why this time. She bought me this beautiful necklace for Christmas and today’s before that she told me she was falling in love with me. Well Christmas night she broke up with me. She never would tell me why once more, and I eventually wrote her a letter telling her just how much I was really in love with her, and that there is nothing I wouldn’t do to see her happy. And I would give her all the time she needed, for just maybe one day to work things out. Well a month went by without us talking at all, but she still was the only thing on my mind, and even in my dreams. She eventually came running back to me, and told me that she loved being my girl, and was happy with me, but scared of hurting me because she not sure if she could ever really have a future with a female. Well we eventually talked ourselves into it, and I gave it another shot being dumb, and once again it ended horribly. For we were actually together and it actually lasted a month this time, but I could tell she never really wanted to be with me, and was just with me because she knew I loved her, and would never hurt her. I was, I am her safety zone. Well last weekend we got in a really big fight, and I for once I ended things. Told her I didn’t deserve to be treated like this, and deserve to be with someone that would love me back. The only way she responded way by saying it’s about damn time. Again we are not on speaking terms and I am completely heartbroken. Its hard because I work with her and have to see her every day. I wish there was an easy way to get over her I don’t want to fall back into this same pattern I can’t keep getting hurt, but my problem is everything about her is beautiful, even so after she has done me so wrong. Love makes us do stupid things. Any advice on how I can end this vicious circle I’m in. I can’t quite my job there hard to come by.

Sent in by: Amber
Age: 21
Location: US

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