Fix me? Am I in denial or just really paranoid?
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I first became confused about my sexuality since 14-15. Long story short I think I fell in love with my bff around this time. One thing that is worthy to note is that at the time, even thought she had a bf, my bff ALSO thought that she was bisexual. Anyhow I feel as though she played me as she always gave me mixed signals about wither she was into or not – I have so many stories regarding this!
I just remember being so enthralled by her. I’d get super nervous around her. I remember buying her flowers, writing songs for her and basically trying to be with her whenever I could. Finally, although I recognized that I should have been happy for her, I remember feeling super threatened and jealous about her BF at the time. It didn’t help that he failed to threat her right!
Overall I think I believed that I was in love with my BFF as I confused her friendship for love.
On a side note around this time I thought this other girl so beautiful. I remember being so nervous when I spoke to her that I had nervous ticks and butterflies in my stomach.
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Problem is that I am not over her – at least emotionally. It’s just that I feel as though THIS has left me with “emotional scarsâ€. I have a lesbian friend and when I told her my story she is now convinced that I am a lesbian in denial.
I need advice from you guys as I noticed that it’s still affecting me (I know it sounds juvenile and I need to move on). I feel as though lingering feelings about this have led me to sabotage relationships I’ve had with men since it’s happened and ruined my chance certain friendships with women.
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I started having little crushes on guys that were well liked so I thought it was over after a while and I was back to being straight. However this year I found myself having a “girl crush†on this girl who looks just like her and basically reminds me of her. It’s just so confusing.
It’s like I have a school girl crush on her and feel as though I would rather be in relationship with her than my actual bf of the moment. Thing is that as twisted as it sounds it’s like is even thought I don’t think I could be physically intimate with her since I am only physically attracted to men.
This girl crush just makes me happy and wants to be a better person. She just seems to walk to her own drums. I love that she has a positive output on life and it doesn’t help that she has a cute smile! Maybe I made myself believe this but she
kind of has a cute laugh and voice too.
I still think I’m straight! After I’m not blind or deaf people can appreciate beauty, brains and ambition right? Funny thing is that I had a huge panic attack when I realized my feelings for this new girl.
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In hindsight, maybe I’m in denial but I think I crushed on this new girl because I still have unresolved feelings about my BFF. I’m just so mad that I lost so many years on THAT! Plus it doesn’t help that I don’t find my boyfriend incredibly attractive or attentive for that fact… I guess that’s what I get for being naive enough to lower my standard and believe that I could develop an attraction as the relationship goes. Overall I also think part of this girl crush was due to the fact that I just admire that she’s ambitious and seemingly free spirited.
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My issue comes as I start comparing the “crush†feelings I had for her and my bff with the crushes I have for men and start psyching myself out since I have yet to meet a guy who made me feel the way she did. I know I was probably infatuated with her but still… I guess it just boggles me that I could become so confused or fixated on women when I’m supposed to be straight. I feel like they’ve got an emotional hold on me. Now I feel like I can’t be emotionally vulnerable with guys anymore and I have low libido.
It’s just really hard because everyone seems to know who they are at my age but meanwhile I feel like I’m re-living my teenage years.
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MY QUESTIONS
Am I straight, a lesbian or is it HOCD?
If I am straight can you explain to me what could make a straight girl feel this way about other girls and tell me how to move on, live my life without having this past affect me and live without doubt?
If I am a lesbian, will you please tell me what makes you think that? Maybe share your coming out to yourselves stories or stories of self-denial?
I really need this to be done!!!
Sent in by: Anonymous
Age: 19
PlanetSappho.com
I think you are trying too much to put a label on yourself at this time. I know people love labels because it makes them feel more secure about who they are and I can’t blame them, but there are just moments in our lives when we have to accept that things are NOT just “black” or “white”.
About your particular situation, I have experienced a similar story with my best friend when I was 16-18. Our relationship was ambiguous (even people would notice) but still, I refused to call it love and I just thought it was some kind of symbiotic friendship, like I had found a soulmate in the form of a friend. When we grew apart, I continued my life as a straight person but had very limited relationships with guys, always finding something wrong with those who were showing me attention.
Only a couple years later I started having girl crushes again and thinking about kissing a girl, but still, I thought that wanting to kiss a girl did not make me a lesbian. And it’s true. I still couldn’t find a man that I could see myself with and more importantly, I realized I did NOT feel like sex with them and the thought of it was actually not that much of a turn on. I still believed it didn’t make me a lesbian. Only when I started fantasizing about women, I told myself I could be bisexual, but of course, I still wasn’t a lesbian. And then a few months later, after accepting my bisexuality, I met my current girlfriend that I love with all my heart. Only now, I am slowly accepting that I might just be purely into women (or ONE woman for that matter).
Anyway, I relate to your story and so does my girlfriend. I think many girls have girl crushes in their teenage years and that doesn’t make them homosexual. However, when you experience more significant crushes at a later age that affect you so much, I think there’s definitely something there. You also talk about “lowering” your standards, which I totally relate to aswell. I tried to have relationships with guys I did not even find particularly attractive, just because I wanted to prove to myself that I was straight.
You shouldn’t feel depressed about not knowing yet who you are and where your sexual orentation stands. 19 is not that old, even though you do sound quite mature. I am 24 and I’ve only been seriously questioning things/stopped living in denial for 2 years.
Noone here can answer your question about who you are. But for sure, you will find the answer yourself with a little bit more time.