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I first became confused about my sexuality since 14-15. Long story short I think I fell in love with my bff around this time. One thing that is worthy to note is that at the time, even thought she had a bf, my bff ALSO thought that she was bisexual. Anyhow I feel as though she played me as she always gave me mixed signals about wither she was into or not â€“ I have so many stories regarding this!
I just remember being so enthralled by her. I’d get super nervous around her. I remember buying her flowers, writing songs for her and basically trying to be with her whenever I could. Finally, although I recognized that I should have been happy for her, I remember feeling super threatened and jealous about her BF at the time. It didnâ€™t help that he failed to threat her right!
Overall I think I believed that I was in love with my BFF as I confused her friendship for love.
On a side note around this time I thought this other girl so beautiful. I remember being so nervous when I spoke to her that I had nervous ticks and butterflies in my stomach.
Problem is that I am not over her â€“ at least emotionally. Itâ€™s just that I feel as though THIS has left me with â€œemotional scarsâ€. I have a lesbian friend and when I told her my story she is now convinced that I am a lesbian in denial.
I need advice from you guys as I noticed that itâ€™s still affecting me (I know it sounds juvenile and I need to move on). I feel as though lingering feelings about this have led me to sabotage relationships Iâ€™ve had with men since itâ€™s happened and ruined my chance certain friendships with women.
I started having little crushes on guys that were well liked so I thought it was over after a while and I was back to being straight. However this year I found myself having a â€œgirl crushâ€ on this girl who looks just like her and basically reminds me of her. Itâ€™s just so confusing.
Itâ€™s like I have a school girl crush on her and feel as though I would rather be in relationship with her than my actual bf of the moment. Thing is that as twisted as it sounds itâ€™s like is even thought I donâ€™t think I could be physically intimate with her since I am only physically attracted to men.
This girl crush just makes me happy and wants to be a better person. She just seems to walk to her own drums. I love that she has a positive output on life and it doesnâ€™t help that she has a cute smile! Maybe I made myself believe this but she
kind of has a cute laugh and voice too.
I still think Iâ€™m straight! After Iâ€™m not blind or deaf people can appreciate beauty, brains and ambition right? Funny thing is that I had a huge panic attack when I realized my feelings for this new girl.
In hindsight, maybe Iâ€™m in denial but I think I crushed on this new girl because I still have unresolved feelings about my BFF. Iâ€™m just so mad that I lost so many years on THAT! Plus it doesnâ€™t help that I donâ€™t find my boyfriend incredibly attractive or attentive for that fact… I guess thatâ€™s what I get for being naive enough to lower my standard and believe that I could develop an attraction as the relationship goes. Overall I also think part of this girl crush was due to the fact that I just admire that sheâ€™s ambitious and seemingly free spirited.
My issue comes as I start comparing the â€œcrushâ€ feelings I had for her and my bff with the crushes I have for men and start psyching myself out since I have yet to meet a guy who made me feel the way she did. I know I was probably infatuated with her but still… I guess it just boggles me that I could become so confused or fixated on women when Iâ€™m supposed to be straight. I feel like theyâ€™ve got an emotional hold on me. Now I feel like I canâ€™t be emotionally vulnerable with guys anymore and I have low libido.
It’s just really hard because everyone seems to know who they are at my age but meanwhile I feel like I’m re-living my teenage years.
Am I straight, a lesbian or is it HOCD?
If I am straight can you explain to me what could make a straight girl feel this way about other girls and tell me how to move on, live my life without having this past affect me and live without doubt?
If I am a lesbian, will you please tell me what makes you think that? Maybe share your coming out to yourselves stories or stories of self-denial?
I really need this to be done!!!
Sent in by: Anonymous