Fix me? Am I in denial or just really paranoid?

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I first became confused about my sexuality since 14-15. Long story short I think I fell in love with my bff around this time. One thing that is worthy to note is that at the time, even thought she had a bf, my bff ALSO thought that she was bisexual. Anyhow I feel as though she played me as she always gave me mixed signals about wither she was into or not – I have so many stories regarding this!

I just remember being so enthralled by her. I’d get super nervous around her. I remember buying her flowers, writing songs for her and basically trying to be with her whenever I could. Finally, although I recognized that I should have been happy for her, I remember feeling super threatened and jealous about her BF at the time. It didn’t help that he failed to threat her right!

Overall I think I believed that I was in love with my BFF as I confused her friendship for love.

On a side note around this time I thought this other girl so beautiful. I remember being so nervous when I spoke to her that I had nervous ticks and butterflies in my stomach.
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Problem is that I am not over her – at least emotionally. It’s just that I feel as though THIS has left me with “emotional scars”. I have a lesbian friend and when I told her my story she is now convinced that I am a lesbian in denial.

I need advice from you guys as I noticed that it’s still affecting me (I know it sounds juvenile and I need to move on). I feel as though lingering feelings about this have led me to sabotage relationships I’ve had with men since it’s happened and ruined my chance certain friendships with women.
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I started having little crushes on guys that were well liked so I thought it was over after a while and I was back to being straight. However this year I found myself having a “girl crush” on this girl who looks just like her and basically reminds me of her. It’s just so confusing.

It’s like I have a school girl crush on her and feel as though I would rather be in relationship with her than my actual bf of the moment. Thing is that as twisted as it sounds it’s like is even thought I don’t think I could be physically intimate with her since I am only physically attracted to men.

This girl crush just makes me happy and wants to be a better person. She just seems to walk to her own drums. I love that she has a positive output on life and it doesn’t help that she has a cute smile! Maybe I made myself believe this but she
kind of has a cute laugh and voice too.

I still think I’m straight! After I’m not blind or deaf people can appreciate beauty, brains and ambition right? Funny thing is that I had a huge panic attack when I realized my feelings for this new girl.

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In hindsight, maybe I’m in denial but I think I crushed on this new girl because I still have unresolved feelings about my BFF. I’m just so mad that I lost so many years on THAT! Plus it doesn’t help that I don’t find my boyfriend incredibly attractive or attentive for that fact… I guess that’s what I get for being naive enough to lower my standard and believe that I could develop an attraction as the relationship goes. Overall I also think part of this girl crush was due to the fact that I just admire that she’s ambitious and seemingly free spirited.
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My issue comes as I start comparing the “crush” feelings I had for her and my bff with the crushes I have for men and start psyching myself out since I have yet to meet a guy who made me feel the way she did. I know I was probably infatuated with her but still… I guess it just boggles me that I could become so confused or fixated on women when I’m supposed to be straight. I feel like they’ve got an emotional hold on me. Now I feel like I can’t be emotionally vulnerable with guys anymore and I have low libido.

It’s just really hard because everyone seems to know who they are at my age but meanwhile I feel like I’m re-living my teenage years.

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MY QUESTIONS
Am I straight, a lesbian or is it HOCD?

If I am straight can you explain to me what could make a straight girl feel this way about other girls and tell me how to move on, live my life without having this past affect me and live without doubt?

If I am a lesbian, will you please tell me what makes you think that? Maybe share your coming out to yourselves stories or stories of self-denial?

I really need this to be done!!!

Sent in by: Anonymous
Age: 19

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