Update on Zerlina an Despina
My dear love, I’ll call her Despina from now on. is now 22 and I am headed to that same number.
It’s a new year. It’s started off pretty well so far. I’m still living with my dream girl and we’ve made plans to move away from home together after we graduate…
And we’ve talked about us… Despina loves me, she knows that even though she can’t say it like I can. She is still so confused by what she feels, I hurt for her. I remember being confused like this. She says she would be lucky to have me as her life partner, I would be “perfect”… but she still holds on to being interested in men… but she doesn’t want us to stop cuddling or holding hands in public or stop saying “I love you”
I don’t want to push her, I think that would be the worst thing I could do… but I’m aching… I’m ashamed of how much I tease her sometimes.
We play the “what if” game a lot now.
“What if I kissed you?”
“I would be confused”
damn right, I know she’d be confused…
I’ve told her I couldn’t forgive myself for stealing her first kiss… and her answer to that was “I’d forgive you.” My mom tells me she thinks Despina is just waiting for me to make a move… but…
I don’t know if she is.
She says she’d give me back to my ex if I wanted to go back to him. She worries about what will happen to me when she wants to get married. Kissing her legs or neck makes her uncomfortable…
I don’t want to hurt her… I want to be here for her to talk it out. But imagine my delight when she told me I had made her question her feelings?! Despina actually thought about being with me! Not just once… but once in a while!
The things that stop her? I think it’s her upbringing, her belief she’s straight (which she might be, maybe), and she “loves me to much to lose me that way.”
She’s just so… wonderful… I’d let her go if I needed to… for her happiness… I just hope she… chooses me… You know?
More information? Please read my first-previous blog.
http://www.thelesbianquestion.com/?s=best+friends+like+sisters
Thank you all… it’s nice to have someone to talk to.
This is quite the saga… you should write a book about it! After you’ve gotten to “happily ever after”, of course.
It does seem like your patience will pay off, but it has to be hard in the meantime. The only thing I wonder is whether you’re over-mysticizing her “first kiss”. I certainly agree that you shouldn’t “steal” it if that means to kiss her by force or stealth or whatnot… but if you just mean catch her in an especially romantic moment when she’s receptive, I think you can go ahead and kiss her without worrying that she might later question the decision. Everybody has a first kiss sometime, and even if she doesn’t end up with you (which she very well might), there’s no shame in kissing somebody she likes as much as she clearly likes you.
If she does start dating a boy at some point, don’t panic or despair… it sounds like she likes you enough that, though a boy may supply a temporary rush of excitement, most boys would eventually seem disappointing compared to you. It could be that she won’t finally admit she wants to be yours until she has a letdown experience with a boy to compare you to.
Frankly, I also don’t think you’d be out of line to say, “I know you are working through your feelings, but I have emotions and needs, too, and if you think you might be able to love me the way I love you, I think you should give me a try now and see how it feels rather than keep me waiting. It’s painful to me to be left in an almost-but-not-quite-yours state forever.” It doesn’t sound like your style, but I think it would be justified. She ought to realize that you have feelings and it just isn’t nice to string you along if she doesn’t have to.
Woah! Your Life Sounds Really Hard But i Understand Completely! I Am Pretty Much In The Same Situation!! My Best Friend ~Jess~ And Me Are EXTREMELY Close And She Knows Who I Am But It’s Hard…… She Has Told Me That We Can’t Be Together Because She Needs “Time” To Figure Out Who She Is. I Have Ziltch Advice For You But I Hope You Get Your Happy Ending xxxxx