Need a little feedback, I suppose.

Howdy, people!

I’m mainly just writing to… well, get advice like all other posters, I suppose.

I came out as lesbian last year. It’s almost been a full year, if not entirely a year. I ruled that I did not want to date guys around January 2011. Which made sense–I wasn’t really attracted to them, I always felt like one of them, rather than not, and I’d just never thought about it! So, I came out last year, and that went well. I haven’t been remotely doubting it until like November. I even dated a guy just to make sure.

And my little periods of doubt come and go, actually. But when they come, I just stop and think about attraction, how I /actually/ get attracted, I can’t quite put my finger on it. (The kinds of guys I used to say I “liked” were stereotypical and had personalities I had no chemistry with.) I just feel more comfortable around girls, but it’s hard for me to get attracted to anyone, unless if they have a good personality. And I think that’s what goes on sometimes–I get attracted to guys’ personality, but I can’t sexually desire them. I never have been able to have an enjoyable or clear vision of sex with a guy. With girls, it’s far easier! The doubt doesn’t diminish, however. Only moderately. Perhaps I’m a worrier.

But this isn’t the real issue that I have. I mean, doubt is certainly not a good thing. And I’d be a VERY strong LGBT supporter–am now, probably will be even if more discovery happens.

My other issue is my feelings for someone–she’s an upperclassman to me. We have a ton in common, and we’re pretty good friends regardless of only actually conversing around a month ago. I really don’t want to date anyone right now, because I’m really looking for someone I’m compatible with and interested in, and there isn’t much leeway or variation in the school atmosphere. And it’s not that I wouldn’t date her–I just don’t wanna ruin a possibly really good friendship.

We’re both really similar, which is something I always look for. At least on the same ethics/morals/etc wavelength, and it’s hard for me to find ANYONE like that. I only know two people that are alike to me, there. One is male. The other is her. I find her to be really attractive–and today, for the first time in many months, I got butterflies for the first time. Which sounds really stupid, but I haven’t held much attraction to anyone I’d been involved with recently.

She’s really friendly and great, and really likes art and psychology as I do. I’m entirely convinced she’s not straight–she doesn’t have that vibe, and has even said that she is apt to get a sex change when of age. I find her as a bit of a role model, a bit of a big sister, and I also have an attraction and interest in her. She says that I’m a smart individual–uncharacteristic of my age group, which is great news to me. BUT, I digress, I really don’t know what to think right now about her! I can’t help the inclinations to be romantic–those come with any romantic interest I get. Or anyone I feel like flirting with. But I don’t know where her levels differ, between friendly and flirty. I don’t have anyone to take romantic feelings out on, because all my feelings and desires are products of long-term relationships and compatibility. I won’t be satisfied with a fling.

I just have all these undirected feelings, and I don’t think they were pushed onto her–they might’ve been spawned from her, since I was infatuated when I came to their realization. But when I try to picture these goals, I don’t see myself with her, I see myself with whoever is ideal for me, which is probably a big detail, since it’s not a longing for her.

So, yeah. This must be really excruciating to read, forgive me. I just don’t know what to think or do, and really just want feedback from someone who has more LGBT experience than a straight teenage girl, or prejudice high school teacher. Any advice will do, and thanks.