help needed…

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A year ago I had a really good friend, who i looked up to, we could talk for hours about anything. I loved her, I would have done anything for her, but i never told her this… Then she met someone… I was very glad for her, i praised her etc… But inside… It tore me up. Pretty soon our friendship seized into the blackness of the night and gone was the only friend i could tell absolutly EVERYTHING to. She was the first one i told that i was gay and ’till this day she remains the only one who knows… I wish that i could just talk to her again, ask her help, discuss random things…
I want to tell my parents so bad that I’m gay, but they will NEVER accept me. My mom freaks when I just mention the “L” word… And my stephfathers’ wife left him for another woman so he hates homosexuals… My father is the type of person who seeks perfection even though he is the perfect example of anything but perfection.
I live in a small town where gays are pushed aside…
I just want a girl to love so bad! I’m tired of pretending!! I’m tired of not being able to create a honest online profile, because I’m scared that someone who knows me might see it… I just want to have someone to love with all, someone who i can hold close to me, who i can spoil and do silly things with, but also someone who i can talk to about anything. I want to hold hands in public and not be ashamed… Will this ever happen for me?
I love my mother so much… We have come quite a long way togeher and it feels wrong to tell her this as i am the only child and she has done so much for me…
I’m currently 17… Wishing i was older… I can’t wait to have freedom one day…
But in the meantime I’m going crazy. This secret is eatinh me up from insinside, eating me up bit by bit… I crave saying those 5 letters to the world… What can i do?

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