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I will try to minimize this as much as possible. I’m 19 and I have always been attracted to guys. I’ve also felt attraction for a girl or two. I know that there is no way I am completely straight and that I am either bi-sexual or just bi-curious. So now on to the real issue…
I’ve known my best friend since the 8th grade and we have always been close. I know she is bisexual and back then that made me uncomfortable to the point that I can say I was borderline homophobic (I have matured now and am VERY open minded). My friend is very “touchy” and she would always hang and cling on to me, hug me, hold my hand, and be all over me but I never gave it any thought. The fact that she was bi never meant anything to me because I never saw her that way. All throughout high-school she would make suggestions but I always dismissed them and figured she was teasing. She was in a couple relationships, but when I told her I disliked the person who she was with, or that they weren’t right for her, she would break it off with them as if to please me. Again, I never thought anything about it at that time, but apparently she would do it because I would ask her to. The reason I would dislike her partners was because I felt she deserved someone better (not at all me) and a little because of jealousy (I am a very possessive and jealous person when it comes to my friends, not just her). I would always talk to her about guys I liked and my relationships and she seemed very apathetic about the topic to the point that I stopped feeling comfortable about opening up to her.
The last week before we graduated high-school we got drunk. We were in class watching a movie and she was sitting right behind me. I remember turning back and trying to talk to her. She kissed my neck and just sent waves through my body. I told her she smelled like alcohol and that I wondered if she tasted like it too (cheesy huh?). She asked me if I wanted to find out and we both leaned in and we kissed. It was a very awkward kiss for me and I pulled away withing 2 seconds. So then I got weird and I embarked on an emotional roller coaster. She was my best friend, I really liked her, I desired her, but every time I thought about it, my mind would repel all thoughts and I felt like it was wrong. Then I went off to college and pushed her away for a couple months. After four or five months I felt I was ready to pursue her so I started talking to her and hanging out. She says she doesn’t remember the drunk incident but she keeps asking me if we kissed. I know she knows the answer and I won’t say anything because I am still in denial/shock/terrified. I started opening up to her again (avoiding the kiss topic) and began suggesting I might want something more than a friendship. I’d say things like “If only you’d like me and we would hug and kiss, then I’d know if I like girls or boys more” (I know I’m so cheesy, don’t judge me) and she told me “When I wanted to, you were like ‘eww gay people, it should only be men and women’ and you would be awkward and push me away.” She was referring to when we were in 8th and 9th grade. After that we kept getting closer. I started texting her suggestive things and how’d I’d like to lay in bed with her and cuddle. We kept going until I reached another point of uneasiness because my feelings were growing and I REALLY questioned my sexuality so, I pushed her away again because I was scared of everything I was feeling. Fast forward to last week, we finally started talking again and we hung out after 6 months of no contact. I went over to her house. We held hands and I was trying to slowly move physically closer to her. I took her out to the movies and I had planned to kiss her there (SO CLICHE!), but for some damn reason the theater was COMPLETELY packed. I couldn’t kiss her because I was nervous and there was a 13 year old in a rated R movie just sitting there. She would lean her head on me, but nothing happened. When we were walking home, we walked through a very dark street and started talking about feelings. I began to tease her and call her naughty and a dirty girl and that’s why so many guys were after her. She then told me that I should stop pretending and that I was very naughty too and I knew stuff but didn’t want to let go. I said “Well I guess we will never know.” She then brought up the whole ”when i wanted to, you didn’t..” all over again and I became nervous. She kept moving closer to me to the point I was pressed against the fence. She said, “I already told you that nothing is gonna happen unless you want it to. I can’t do anything if you don’t want me to.” I was extremely aroused and wanted to kiss her so bad but my head and body didn’t allow me to, so I just made a fool of myself and started stuttering and slowly drifting away from her. We hugged and we kept touching each other. When we hugged good bye I turned my head a little towards her in case i built up enough courage to kiss her at the last moment but I wasn’t able to, AGAIN! Instead she kissed me on the cheek. I need advice on how to deal with this. She has put it all on me. If there will ever be anything it has to be me who makes the move. She already put herself out there and if I want her I can have her. The problem is I am shy and soo much is stopping me from moving forward. I want her, but the thought of being in a relationship with her or having a sexual relationship with her, is something that makes me VERY uncomfortable and anxious. There is a guy right now who i REALLY like and I am pursuing a relationship with him, because I do see myself with him in the future, in bed, and even with a family. I feel he might be the one, but then there is my best friend. I am 50/50 on how I feel for both persons. With her all I have to do is give in and fall into a sure thing. With him I still have to fight for him and there is a huge uncertainty that we might not even be a thing. I need help because my feelings are tearing my friendship with her apart. I have no doubt she loves me and I want to correspond to her, but cannot bring myself to do so. Am I in love with her? Am I just curious? Is it strictly sexual? Do I give in? Do I hold back? Help Do I go for the security and sure thing I have or do I risk everything, move one from her and pursue the guy?