Sexual problem with a butch partner (more explanation in the post) and I need your advise
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I am a female, a bisexual, who was sexually harassed by a male stranger when I was 8, I was traumatized by that incident and feared guys until I was 19. I felt safe for a while since I went to all girls boarding school. i decided to embrace life and overcome my fear after high school. I had no problem sexually, with my first ex-bf, in fact he was the best, but we didn’t end up together because he was an asshole.
My last relationship with another and the last guy, was good. He was a gentleman, a nice guy but I could count how many times we had sex when we were together, it was starting to frustrate me, but somehow I put up with it. That wasn’t even the reason we weren’t together. We broke up in a good way coz he needed to move to another state in the east coast. He was the last guy I was together with until my current gf.
I used to have a gf back in university, she is a femme. Whenever we did it, I always took charge and she didn’t touch me at all – which I’m fine with, I consider myself as the dominant one and do not prefer to be touched. But that was way back in uni.
My current partner is a butch. She is perfect, she’s my type, cute, sexy and attractive in her own way and I fell in love with her at first sight. She is the first butch I’m together with. Problem is, sex in the beginning was fine, but eventually, it decreases. She always wants it and eventually I’m always, as she claims, rejecting her. BUT I really do love her wholeheartedly and there is no way I am rejecting her. I love my gf so much I’d die if I lose her.
Our relationship is perfect, except sexually. BUT I couldn’t find the reason why I refuse to make love to her. I mean we do it whenever I or WE BOTH WANT IT, (when I mention I WANT IT, means I want her to do me—which demand is gradually decreasing), but whenever SHE WANTS it (means she wants to do me without me wanting or thinking of it), I keep making excuses or even if we did it, I’d end up feeling nothing and it builds up, making me refuse sex at other times as well. Whenever I do her, she didn’t always experience climax. Only countable few times, and they were just minor ones. We fought about sex at the end. She said she never let her exes touched her before, but with me, she somehow compromised, and she gave the excuse she was still trying to understand her body ( in trying to achieve climax/ achieve orgasm) and on my part, I think it is she is supposed to feel that naturally.I feel like a failure and a disappointment for refusing to make love to her and satisfying her. That demotivates me.
Help me please figure out, is it caused by my infrequent sex with my ex bf (which became common to us)?,
or is it because of the harassment incident occured when I was a kid (which I had never gone for therapy regarding to this incident)?
Or is it because I have always been dominant ( but my butch partner doing me in the beginning of our relationship was fine)?
Is it because I’m always frustrated by failing to satisfy her?
Or is it because everything is always the same and it became too familiar to me?
Or is it just my libido?
I couldn’t figure out what is actually the root of the problem. She always made the effort to arouse me, but she always failed to. Instead, her effort made me feel ticklish and sensitive.She tried to do it with different position but I don’t fancy them. I once asked suggested using sex toys,dildo specifically but she once accused me of missing doing it with guys, which isn’t true. I didn’t suggest anything ever since and just not have it with her.
I don’t want to end up doing it with her because I pity her, but I don’t want to force myself either. Sex is supposed to happen naturally. I really need help. I love her so much; it breaks my heart to disappoint her. I need help in figuring out my problem and advise on how to make things change for the better!
PlanetSappho.com
Dear Poppy,
It sounds like the both of you love each other, but need sex in different ways. It seems like when you make love, if each of you tries to compromise for the other, the whole thing fails. It also seems to me that for both of you, sex only can give you pleasure if circumstances are exactly right.
You ask about therapy for yourself, and point out that your problems may spring from some previous experiences with a guy.
It sounds as if your partner has as many problems, so maybe couples counseling would be an idea for you.
Also, don’t feel alone, or like a failure. You are not the only ones who have this exact problem. I had a stone friend at one time who discussed with me the very same type of things you are talking about. Stone butches are not your garden variety lesbian, but a smaller, yet very important group within our community.
There are many ideas for all people who have lost a bit of the zing in their relationship-
*Occasionally just do something that she wants, and don’t worry about your orgasm that time. And vice versa.
*Talk about your fantasies.
*Be willing to try something new.
*Let your partner know how important intimacy with her is to you.
*If one of you is stressed and tired, try to take the load off each other’s shoulders, so that at bedtime you both have more energy.
*Don’t be afraid of toys, role playing, etc. etc. etc.
However, your problem may be a little deeper. I am sensing an insecurity in your partner having to do with the fact that you are bi, and have had male partners. I am sensing almost a power struggle between the two of you. I almost hear a “my way or the highway” attitude from both of you.
Remember, sex is supposed to be fun! Maybe it will take therapy, but in the long run, I hope you will learn to enjoy each other in a way that is not threatening for either of you.
If you try everything you can try, and nothing works, be prepared for the fact that you both may need to move on to more submissive or feminine partners. There is actually a real, life sexual preference within each of us. A lesbian, for instance, just can’t try hard to like guys and make it. It will just never happen. If you both need to be “tops”, and everything else you try just leaves you both frustrated and obstaining, even though you are both healthy and young and full of desires, it may be that you just have to move on, and just love each other through friendship.
hey there,
well usually when people get tired of the same with sex they begin using sex toys. I would recommend it but you mention she doesn’t like them. maybe she feels insecure. its more of who is doing the work with a dildo it doesn’t mean you miss sex with men. it just means you want to try something new ‘with her’.
Its’ important that you both know what you want in sex. what you do or don’t like. it can get difficult because for example some people don’t like to be topped. but if you love her don’t give up. maybe look into if not toys then books or other ideas like fantasies.
if all that doesn’t work then i recommend sex therapy. its like counselling but its more centered in sex. hope this helps. and remember patience is a virtue. lol
usually people should try some changes and surprises in sex just so it doesnt become a routine. but, firtsly, i think your issue is only the fact that you put too much thinking on it:P sex is just sex, sth that should be beginning naturally. it seems that you both are a bit too dominant. just let youreselves free and enjoy. if the problem insists, maybe you should try couple counselling.
and honey dont say that you could give your life for anyone. love is not sacrifice, it is taking care of somebody and caring tryly but who can you love if you dont love yourself? relax, if its meant to be, it’ll be.