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Last year was my first year at college. I was nervous and didn’t really know where or with whom I’d fit in. I’ve never really been into the partying scene, but am not shy by any means. My neighbor was the same way and we instantly hit it off. We were in the same orientation group and we began a friendship based on teasing (kiddinly) eachother. She was in a relationship with her boyfriend of 2 years, and I would always talk to her about him. Soon though tension was being created between her boyfriend and her because of me. He was jealous of her spending time with me because he was used to having her all to himself. Soon the tension turned into fighting and they went on a break, and when that happened my neighbor(who i will refer to as A) and I became very emotionally attached. We would text eachother all the time, and she kissed me on my cheek. I didn’t think much of it, because she was my bestfriend. Things got progressively more intimate, and soon she would kiss my lips and we began to fall asleep holding eachother. Her and her boyfriend eventually broke it off. He heard rumors though of us getting closer, and she completely denied it. Eventually time passed and we became closer, we began kissing more heavily and the next semester we became roommates. Before things got too too physical I was talking to a boy, and she became very jealous and would constantly ask what we had done on our dates together. I soon broke it off with him and just kept going with the flow with my bestfriend.We slept in the same bed every night and one night she tried reaching her hand down my pants as I was falling asleep. I didn’t let her and moved her hand because I was tired. Frustrated, she started crying and I woke up and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. After some time of beating around the bush she asked me if I ever wanted more with her? I never really thought of it since I didnt think it was “allowed” because we were “bestfriends” so I said no. She was obviously upset and we talked about it, and she said she had wanted to do more things with me for a while now. After some time we had our first sexual experience and from then on we became closer and closer. We slept together every night and she encouraged me to tell her if I ever wanted anything. She would get upset if we didn’t sleep together. She kept pushing the boundaries and I didn’t mind whatsoever. She told me she was in love with me, and that this was the happiest she had ever been. I got scared periodically throughout the whole thing because of the secrets and what it all meant, and always stressed that I didn’t love her based on the physical. I began quesitoning my sexuality and would cry to her and ask if we would always be friends, and if it were to end then we would need to mutually agree. This always made her super upset and she told me that if I was happy why would I want it to end? And everything would work out in the end. Because I loved her I never made her exclusive to me, but she never did anything with anyone else. She got jealous if I talked to other guys and was very territorial when it came to me. Over the summer after school ended, we would constantly have sleepover and do things with eachother. Again I got scared and didn’t know what to make of it, and I didn’t want to face the reality of what was going on because to me it was perfect, and A always would get so upset when I would question it. She always said we were sharing an intimate experience with eachother because we were bestfirends and it would always be our secret. Towards the end of the summer A completely changed after she went on vacation and hooked up with an old guy friend. She talked about ending it with me in the physical aspect and I was hurt but tried going along with it. Soon, it seemed like A had lost complete interest in me and since we were moving into school in the next couple days as roommates for our sophomore year of school it was really bad timing Our relationship consisted of a lot of fighting and tension. I became very depressed and A began behaving very differently. She would have another guy come and stay in our room(thus kicking me out) and even had sex on “our” bed with him. I moved out eventually and sought out therapy. A and I barely talk anymore and she has told me we will never be a “we” again, but she still posts intimate things her tumblr that are for me. When I changed my profile picture on facebook to a picture of me and a guy she texted me asking me if “I had forgotten about her.” She currently is back with her ex boyfriend that she broke it off with last year. Every time I walk into my dorm building I get so upset seeing his car or paranoid that I may run into them, especially since she always talked about how I made her so much happier than him and what we had was much more real and deep. I’m still depressed and hope seeking further therapy will help. I’m confused about what the whole thing meant and since I’ve never really been intimate with a guy, I don’t know where to turn to. A said she would hate me if I ever told anyone. I’ve told a couple trusted friends because I cannot bear going through this alone. She said she misses our “friendship” but that’s it, even though she was the one who always fought for the physical aspect when I had my doubts.
I guess all I want to know is what happened to the girl that was in love with me? Did she get scared? Is she in denial? And where do I go from here? I’m angry and depressed, and everything reminds me of her. Seeing her in school is very hard, and I really could use some help. It all doesn’t make sense. The one person who I needed the most abandoned me and I can’t help thinking I was used, even if I do think what we had was real (which she agreed on). HELP