Bestfriends?
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Last year was my first year at college. I was nervous and didn’t really know where or with whom I’d fit in. I’ve never really been into the partying scene, but am not shy by any means. My neighbor was the same way and we instantly hit it off. We were in the same orientation group and we began a friendship based on teasing (kiddinly) eachother. She was in a relationship with her boyfriend of 2 years, and I would always talk to her about him. Soon though tension was being created between her boyfriend and her because of me. He was jealous of her spending time with me because he was used to having her all to himself. Soon the tension turned into fighting and they went on a break, and when that happened my neighbor(who i will refer to as A) and I became very emotionally attached. We would text eachother all the time, and she kissed me on my cheek. I didn’t think much of it, because she was my bestfriend. Things got progressively more intimate, and soon she would kiss my lips and we began to fall asleep holding eachother. Her and her boyfriend eventually broke it off. He heard rumors though of us getting closer, and she completely denied it. Eventually time passed and we became closer, we began kissing more heavily and the next semester we became roommates. Before things got too too physical I was talking to a boy, and she became very jealous and would constantly ask what we had done on our dates together. I soon broke it off with him and just kept going with the flow with my bestfriend.We slept in the same bed every night and one night she tried reaching her hand down my pants as I was falling asleep. I didn’t let her and moved her hand because I was tired. Frustrated, she started crying and I woke up and couldn’t figure out what was wrong. After some time of beating around the bush she asked me if I ever wanted more with her? I never really thought of it since I didnt think it was “allowed” because we were “bestfriends” so I said no. She was obviously upset and we talked about it, and she said she had wanted to do more things with me for a while now. After some time we had our first sexual experience and from then on we became closer and closer. We slept together every night and she encouraged me to tell her if I ever wanted anything. She would get upset if we didn’t sleep together. She kept pushing the boundaries and I didn’t mind whatsoever. She told me she was in love with me, and that this was the happiest she had ever been. I got scared periodically throughout the whole thing because of the secrets and what it all meant, and always stressed that I didn’t love her based on the physical. I began quesitoning my sexuality and would cry to her and ask if we would always be friends, and if it were to end then we would need to mutually agree. This always made her super upset and she told me that if I was happy why would I want it to end? And everything would work out in the end. Because I loved her I never made her exclusive to me, but she never did anything with anyone else. She got jealous if I talked to other guys and was very territorial when it came to me. Over the summer after school ended, we would constantly have sleepover and do things with eachother. Again I got scared and didn’t know what to make of it, and I didn’t want to face the reality of what was going on because to me it was perfect, and A always would get so upset when I would question it. She always said we were sharing an intimate experience with eachother because we were bestfirends and it would always be our secret. Towards the end of the summer A completely changed after she went on vacation and hooked up with an old guy friend. She talked about ending it with me in the physical aspect and I was hurt but tried going along with it. Soon, it seemed like A had lost complete interest in me and since we were moving into school in the next couple days as roommates for our sophomore year of school it was really bad timing Our relationship consisted of a lot of fighting and tension. I became very depressed and A began behaving very differently. She would have another guy come and stay in our room(thus kicking me out) and even had sex on “our” bed with him. I moved out eventually and sought out therapy. A and I barely talk anymore and she has told me we will never be a “we” again, but she still posts intimate things her tumblr that are for me. When I changed my profile picture on facebook to a picture of me and a guy she texted me asking me if “I had forgotten about her.” She currently is back with her ex boyfriend that she broke it off with last year. Every time I walk into my dorm building I get so upset seeing his car or paranoid that I may run into them, especially since she always talked about how I made her so much happier than him and what we had was much more real and deep. I’m still depressed and hope seeking further therapy will help. I’m confused about what the whole thing meant and since I’ve never really been intimate with a guy, I don’t know where to turn to. A said she would hate me if I ever told anyone. I’ve told a couple trusted friends because I cannot bear going through this alone. She said she misses our “friendship” but that’s it, even though she was the one who always fought for the physical aspect when I had my doubts.
I guess all I want to know is what happened to the girl that was in love with me? Did she get scared? Is she in denial? And where do I go from here? I’m angry and depressed, and everything reminds me of her. Seeing her in school is very hard, and I really could use some help. It all doesn’t make sense. The one person who I needed the most abandoned me and I can’t help thinking I was used, even if I do think what we had was real (which she agreed on). HELP
PlanetSappho.com
First, I think what you had was real. Also, this sounds incredibly painful and I admire your courage so far. I think it is great that you are going to therapy, as that is a great source of confidential support in which you cannot fear her retaliating against you.
But it seems like she had a very sudden change in her behavior, as she seemed to be the one driving the relationship and then suddenly ended it. I cannot speak for her, but it is odd that is a sudden change. You will never know her reasons–maybe she was scared, maybe she had a change in mind about her sexuality.
Whatever the reason is, distance and time are the best things to do. I know it sounds really hard, but it would be unhealthy to continue to dissect the cause of the breakdown in your relationship. Furthermore, her personality comes across as very manipulative. Believe it or not, behavior that is very jealous and pressures you into certain physical intimacy is manipulative. Such personalities are not healthy to even be friends with, much less be in a romantic relationship with.
I would focus on meeting new people and friends, and maybe meet some who are also gay–find a LGBT support group or the few friends that you have confided in can offer you advice? Typically, in college friendships are intertwined with the same people so it is always hard to “escape” a friend.
You will probably find that with distance she will come to you and can explain herself. Or maybe not. But know this: you are you, and you deserve to be loved and have a healthy, loving relationship with a man or a woman. Don’t settle until you find it, and don’t let your friend consume your thoughts any further.
I absolutely agree with post. The only other thing I will add is, during college, it is well-known that young women experiment sexually. Some will eventually realize that they are really lesbian, or bi, and some will realize that being with a woman is just not where they are attracted. It’s pretty natural, though very painful for almost everyone who has been through it in one way or another.
Also, sadly, some people who are gay choose a life full of sorrow and no-tell hotels and secrecy because they cannot bear the idea of living outside the norm. They do not have the strength to say to themselves, I am what I am, and I am not ashamed. Their parents and society intimidate them to the point where they dare not give in to a different sort of life. So they turn their backs on love, and exchange it for so called normalcy.
Whatever your ex’s feeling are, it doesn’t really matter. For you, it’s only important to discover who you are and what you want. Don’t look back. Look forward to find the happiness you deserve.
I give my heart out to you.
Because, I was in a similar situation. I was also in a very manipulative relationship, and my thoughts were consumed by that relationship completely. However, the girl that I was with didn’t go as far as you did with A. Because, I broke it off as soon as I came to realize what was happening. That girl was trouble for me, just as A was trouble for you.
I truly agree with the Post. I think you have been through a very manipulative relationship. And it must be extremely hard on you. You must have endure a lot of pain and suffering because of A. And, it’s really not fair on your part because you really did nothing wrong. I don’t know what A is thinking, but I know it doesn’t really matter in the end. A is out of your life, and your job is to KEEP her out of your life. Avoid her when possible, and DO NOT MAINTAIN A FRIENDSHIP WITH HER. It is really unhealthy for you.
For my case, I stayed away from my girl, and I avoid her whenever possible. At first, it will hurt a lot and you think nothing but her. But there will be a way out. What I did was that I spent a summer trying to get over that girl. I went to camp for 2 weeks and meet a lot of new people and they kept me distracted from thinking too much. And then, they made me realize that I am strong and I survive this pain. It will not be the end of me.
And after the 2 weeks of camp, I came back and I started focusing on myself. I went to the gym every day and work out for an hour or two. This helps tremendously because not only was I living healthy, it allow me to work out all of my pain and stress. Everytime I miss that girl, I just kept jogging and listening to music. I did this night after night for nearly 2 months. And slowly, things got better.
Time and Distance is really the key. because during those two month, I stayed away from my girl. And when she approached me, I told her to leave me alone. (And she did) This time and distance gave me to opportunity to work on myself (going to the gym, and building my confidence in myself again). It made me a happier and stronger person emotionally and mentally.
And after the 3 months of summer, I enter college again as a 3rd year. At first, I was also paranoid on running into that girl again. So, I avoid all the places that I would usually run into her, and I spent my time at other location of the college campus. And soon enough, a month into my school year. I met someone new. And this new person came like a blessing. Not only was she beautiful, she was smart, and most of all kind. She is nothing like the girl I was with earlier. And, standing here today, I would have never guess my luck to find someone like this new girl. My heart seems to restart with this new girl. I’m not in love with this new girl yet, but I like her a lot. And she does not treat me like what other girl did. There was no manipulation here, but rather a real friendship and kindness.
Standing here today, I can tell you that back during the first month of summer when I was suffering through all the pain of getting over the first girl. I would have never believe that only a few months later will I find someone so amazing. Someone who treats me well, someone is kind to me, and caring. And it doesn’t have to be love, it’s can just be a good friend.
So, I’m telling you now, while you are crying and suffering. Know that it’s not the end of the world, and one day, this pain will end. You’ll get better. You’ll meet someone who really like you for you. This person will go out of their way for you, and treat you well. But this future do not come on it own. It’s really up to you.
You need to work on trying to get over A. You need to remove A from you life and move forward. Focus on yourself and improve yourself as a person. Be strong, and talk to your other friends. Keep them in your life, and keep moving forward. Do not communicate with A anymore.
Trust me, you’ll face many lonely nights. Many days you’ll be sad and there’s nothing you can do about it. But you just have to continue to push yourself from trying to communicate with A. And I promised you, that in time, you’ll forget A. You’ll be okay
And when the time is right, you’ll find love again. And this time, you’ll be smarter, and you’ll know who to avoid and who to love. And you won’t let another girl or guy take advantage of you.
I hope you this helps in anyway.
Your not alone. I honestly mean it. You are not. You will not be the first girl who face this and you won’t be the last.
We feel your pain. At least I do. And I want to give you a big hug because you are really really strong. And I believe you have the strenght to overcome this.