Should I pursue a friendship with her or completely cut her off??

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I met this girl (N) at a bar at the end of the summer. I was out with my friends not even looking for anything in particular when I started chatting with her gay friend. He brought me over to his group and I drunkingly hit on her and she returned the attention and asked for my number before she went to another venue with her friends (mind you she is straight). She asked me to basically follow her to the club and after she left my friends and I did just that. We ended up dancing and enjoying each others time (instant connection) and when she left I grabbed her and we ended up kissing. Later that night we texted each other until 430 in the morning. The following day we meet up at another club and I ended up going back to her friends house and staying the night after learning she had a boyfriend in which I slightly got mad. We slept together on the couch but not until seriously making out and I getting her naked. We didn’t go any farther because she told me she was scared so we just kissed. She and I spent the rest of the weekend together only leaving her dorm so we can eat.

As she was driving me home because I had work she was explaining to me about what her friend said and she replied back to her friend saying the connection we have with each other just feels right..it feels natural. And I agreed. Later on that day I asked if she wanted to go to this bar to watch a football game with me and this guy I was talking to before I met her and she said yes.  His cousin was suppose to come so she wouldn’t feel like a third wheel and well he ended up not coming and everything kind of blew up in my face. See I didn’t think she would get drunk and start crying and really fighting for my attention because she had a boyfriend. Well the guy I was with wanted to stay the night but I made up an excuse so I can avoid having him stay and it just me and her.

That week we were apart once and that was only because she had to seriously study. She invited me to her homecoming game and to stay the whole weekend with her. Well I stayed until Saturday night because I got retardedly drunk and fucked up hard that night. She stopped talking to me for 3 days which she had every right to. I left my card and glasses at her dorm so it was the perfect excuse to see her. I gave her a teddy bear to say sorry and we hugged and kiss even though she was still mad. The next day she received the flowers I sent to her and everything was fine.

She backed off a little because of everything that happened which is understandable and we would still spend time with each other when she did have time (nursing student, senior year). She has met my familia, ate dinner over, and spent the night a few more times. Each time we spend the night with each other we go further than the last but she always says “stop”,”I don’t know”, “I’m scared”. And each time we would progress the more and more she became distant in the texts, phone calls, facebook. She would ignore me for hours at a time, I would always make contact with her first. So naturally feeling inadequate and unsure I would get pissed and we would get into arguments.

The last time we hung out ..we went to dinner and then to this bar because I promised my friend I would come out and chill with her and her new girlfriend. At the bar this girl that use to have a crush on me asked me if that was my girlfriend and that just set something off in my brain because she basically was my girlfriend just without the title. By this point she and her boyfriend had broken up and she said she’s done with him. So I asked her yeah what are we and she just smiled and didn’t answer so everything that’s been on my mind with her distance, lack of communication, and wanting to hang out etc really started to bug me and being tipsy didn’t help so ate one point I called her a cunt! I immediately apologized afterwards and she accepted. After awhile we left because she was tired and she opened up more about herself. I set up downstairs and as we are watching tv she basically initiated everything and we ended up sleeping together. She brought up the fact I called her a cunt the following morning as she dropped me off for me. I apologized again and we kissed.

After that night she really became a ghost. I texted her later that week basically saying if she felt uncomfrtable in anyway that I understood and that she could talk to me about it if she needed to. Basically that I was there for her. She wrote it off and said thanks. I backed off after that and waited for her to come to me and she did. She texted me and each time I was drunk (can you see the pattern) I started asking her like wtf is up. Halloween weekend she texted me to come get her because she and her friend got into an argument. I couldn’t because I was drunk and it was aways away and she drunkingly admitted that she missed me, that she enjoyed the night we spent together and it freaked her out because she doesn’t want to like a girl, and then we started arguing.

Apparently her friend heard what I was saying to her and we went back and forth through texts. I ended up calling her a cunt and a whore again but it was warrented this time. Well we ended up arguing a little through text the next day because she didn’t appreciate the fact I called her those names but this after she called and apologize for saying that she “gave me an std” I had to go get my shirts that I let her sleep in because I needed it for something and gave her another teddy bear attached with a note saying sorry and that I miss her and she appreciated it.

The following week I mailed her a two page love letter saying everything that I’ve been feeling. Apologizing again for the things that I have done and said, telling her how she takes my breath away; the whole nine yards. And because she’s always on my mind, but she ignores me, doesn’t try to hang out with me anymore etc etc, I got pissy drunk and called her leaving her a voicemail saying that she’s a bitch and that she’s not worth my time. As it turns out she got the letter that same day I called her so she didn’t have time to respond. The next morning I got a fuck you text. I had no idea I called her and said that and so I tried to get her to see me..we went back and forth through texts. Then she stopped texting me. For 3 days straight I put everything on the line. My friend ended up calling her and talking to her for 30 minutes basically telling her that I care, I messed up, she sees where both of us are coming from, and to basically put me out of my misery if she doesn’t want anything to do with me. She told her that she liked me, and that obviously I need to chill with my drinking, and that she couldn’t believe I sent such a beautiful letter then cussed her out the same night, and she brought up the incident with the guy I was talking to while she was with her boyfriend.

For the last three weeks I would text her here and there and end up drunk calling and leaving voicemails (smh). I kept asking her to let me know what’s going on and where I stand and to put me out of my misery if she doesn’t want to even be my friend. We texted a little last weekend and I ended up sending her a note attatched with an itinerary, menu, and asking her out on a date to start over and for her to respond back by checking yes or no and sending it in an envelope that I already addressed and stamped. She texted me yesterday saying that “we can be friends” and I initally said in more or less words HELL NO! and she responded back angrily saying why can’t we be friends. I asked her if she was being for real then sure and she said I really want to and she said “no more calling me names and screaming at me in voicemails” and I said I won’t. Because I sent her that in the mail and left her alone and didn’t drunk call or text she decided she would be my friend “again”. I asked her to come out and chill with me and friends and she said she will try but doesn’t know since finals are next week.

Like wtf, you now can chill with me? That doesn’t make any sense to me. I haven’t texted her since she said goodnight to me and I don’t plan on texting her. Should I just let it go? I’m in love with this girl despite everything that has happened. I have never fought for anyone, I have never connected with someone on the level that I have with her. There is a genuine bond and chemistry that you just can’t fake and anyone can see it when we are around each other. It so natural feeling when we are together. I don’t understand.

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