We broke up but I want her back
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My gf and I had been together for a little over a year. She is 19 and I am 24 so there is somewhat of an age difference between us. Right before Christmas time we got into a bad argument and she packed all of her stuff from our place and left without us talking. I will call her “A” when referring to her. A’s mother and step-father came to help her get everything.
In the beginning of our relationship her mother and step-father never spoke to us because they are ultra religious and we were called the “devil” because of our relationship. For the first 8 months we were together, everything was great, and this was all while communication with her mother had been non-existant. It all started to go downhill when A’s mother decided she wanted to speak with A again. A then started to act differently, and treat me differently. She would cancel our plans to do whatever her mother asked and this was extremely frustrating for me. Her mother is very manipulative and takes advantage of A. A gives her mother her paychecks and does whatever her mother asks. We had been living together so we have to put our money together in order to pay the bills. A’s mother knows this of course but I honestly believe that this was all apart of her plan to slowly break us up.
Anyways, now that we have been separated she would still come over and stay the night but only sometimes. Basically, everything was normal with us but she didn’t want the commitment of calling me her gf. She also did not want her mom to find out she was seeing me. Then last week on Sunday I went out on my motorcycle for a bike ride all while letting her know where I was going. She told me she loved me and we had planned on being home together that evening. When I arrived home I let her know I had arrived and then I tried to call and I got no answer. She never showed up that night at all. The next day she didn’t answer my texts or calls so I texted her mom to make sure she was okay because I was genuinely worried. Her mom said she was at home and was fine.
A finally texted me and said she never wanted to see me again, and she hated me. When I asked her why she wouldn’t respond. This made no sense to me because just a day before everything was fine between us. I, for the record, have always been faithful to her during our relationship, and even after the break up because I want her back. The next day I brought A her belongings from our house that she wanted and I asked if she really wanted this to say it to my face. She told me she wanted nothing to do with me, she didn’t love me anymore and that she loved someone else. She said many other mean hings to me, pretty much anything terrible that could be said to a person.
I was very hurt and I had no idea why any of this had happened. After a week she emailed me a picture of our cat Tigger to let me know she was ok. We ended up talking and decided to meet. During our meeting she told me she loved me and had lied before about the stuff she said. I told her I loved her too and we kissed. I still feel the same kissing her like I always had and she said she still has feelings for me. Everything had seemed to go back to normal until tonight. She said her emotions are up and down and she thinks she mad a mistake by kissing me and she tried to tell me she lied. She was saying things like “I’m not the same, you shouldn’t love me” or “I cheated on you while we were dating” and “I’ve been sleeping with other people”. She has said some of this stuff the first time but later said she lied because she wanted to hurt me. I’m assuming that she is doing this so I won’t pursue her anymore because she wants it to be less painful to break up. But I don’t know what to do. I love her with all my heart but I feel like her mother is trying to tear us apart. I think that a lot of what she is hearing at her mothers house has her saying these things to me. What should I do? Can I get her back or is it not worth it? I think it is because I love her.
PlanetSappho.com
My heart breaks for you, sandshark. It’s clear that you’re very much in love so that makes what I have to say even more difficult: you have to let her go.
I suspect the problems in your relationship are caused by two things: first, a mother that continues to interject herself between you because she can’t accept her daughter’s sexuality and second, a daughter that’s too young to be able to stand on her own two feet. For whatever reason, A’s not at a place yet where she can accept her mother’s disapproval and act independently…and, frankly, you can’t build a relationship on that.
I should say: this doesn’t mean that A doesn’t love you. In fact, I think she probably does, but she just can’t reconcile how to please both you and her mother. Her pull to you is genuine and she’ll just keep doing what she has been (and hurting you in the process) until you cut it off.
Walk away, sandshark, and hope that one day, A’s brave enough to accept the love you offer.
Her mom’s winning out. She’s torn between you and her family and it looks like she’s about to pick family. My professor once told us that between your family (may it be your parents or siblings) and spouse, you should always choose and side with your spouse. I know you’re not married but I think if a person is as dedicated to her partner as any other married couple, the same rule should apply. I know for one that my dad failed to side with my mom, no matter how good a person/mother/wife my mom is, my paternal grandparents didn’t think she was good enough, and so the pressure took a toll on them and they ended in divorce. I guess what I’m saying is, you don’t want to be like my mom, someone who stuck with the one she loves even though that person couldn’t be by her side through thick and thin.