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I’m 21 years old now. There is a story behind me. But for now all I see is the current situation: I’m dating a man for two years, he used to be my friend at school, and he loves me a lot, and so I love him… but I can’t, I really can’t stop wondering, since we first became friends, if I were a lesbian, or bisexual or even asexual.
I never got to intrigued about naked, or semi-naked or whatever, men, but I do feel curious, eager, not exactly aroused (but then I don’t know), about women. I did have, when I was 13-14, a few crushes on two boys, but it’s only probably because they sounded like awesome people, loveable people, and all the other girls liked those too. I lost one of my friends ’cause of a situation where she liked me (she’s a lesbian today) and got angry I started to go out with our friend that she had just broke up with (they were together for only 2 weeks anyways, and everybody said how strange their relationship was – they never kissed or anything that anyone had ever saw). I thought I loved him cause he was my best friend and we had like the best time together. After being bullied for years, having a boy liking me and all was awesome, though it was tough when she denied her own word and said it was not ‘ok’ for me to date him. We lost that friendship, forever, never talked again… I was too afraid. But actually, I found out later when she came out of the closet to my other friends (who actually were more like acquaintaces now), she was in love with me. We were really close, it was really weird. Then me and the guy broke up, I wanted so hard to feel attracted by him, I wanted to have sex with him to make it work, he denied, then he came out of the closet too, and I felt like my “womanism” had been completely thorn apart. Apart being always hated and called ugly, the only guy attracted to me is actually gay. This right after I dive in, losing my girlfriend. That’s when I changed schools.
There I met wonderful people, such as my current boyfriend. I did go out with his friend at first, ’cause he was all kind to me (he actually goes out with a lot of women easily cause of that, we’re close friends today lol), it didn’t work out much. But I knew that he (my boyfriend today, not saying names) liked me a lot, that he felt attracted to me, but I refused that to go any further. I didn’t felt much attracted to him, so we kept as friends, because he was ok with that and I was too tired of jumping into relationships. One day we talked about that “gay” thing. He said he had made himself that question once, when he was definetely not intrested in any girl. He even went in to google naked men but to no use, he had had even less interest, so he decided he was just sad at that moment in his life and that was it. I said I didn’t know, but I didn’t think I’d try and see, either.
Then suddenly we got really close. I really fell in love with him. He is definetely an amazing person. I can say I felt attracted by him too. And I still feel. Once I told him he was the only man in the world to make me feel that way, but I don’t know if it sounded the right way. He is sexy, to me, in a way. I like having sex with him. I often said to him that I thought myself to be asexual, not really feeling attracted by any gender or anything at all. But I know deep that this is inaccurate. I care too much about breasts, and I can account at the end of the day that I only looked at women’s (and not men’s) ass, and that I do recall the faces of some cute females, but no males.
But it’s sometimes boring how much attention I pay at girls. He sometimes thinks it’s just jealousy but… no. I do feel jealous. Jealous there are so much more attractive women than men, and he can savour it all, while I can’t. Once he said it’s ok for guys and girls to experiment same sex experiences, because that would be the only way to know what one really likes. I don’t know if he knows. I guess sometimes it sounds like, but at the same time he selfishly doesn’t let go of me cause he actually is attracted by me, at the same time he might forgive himself by thinking he’s also not letting me go to grant my wish of loving him and having him love me back. So we keep that little secret, silent.
He is the best kiss I ever had… And I never liked kissing before. How can I dislike every men but him? How can’t I picture myself dating boys or girls — or is that because I’m into a relationship? I am really confused. I want to turn to him and tell him the truth, even if it hurts, but I don’t want to lose him. I love him, and I could cuddle his curly hair forever, and not let any other girl who might hurt his feelings do so just cause they are more feminine or anything. (I do play with the thought of having a girl for me that he can ‘play’ with too, I can picture us happy in the couch watching TV together… that seems ‘ok’ to me, and then I do not feel jealous… when I’m not forced to see him with a girl and I can’t…) I did learn to be feminine and vain after I started dating my boyfriend. It felt right to be more attractive to him. That, and his mother really pushes me to it, that is she is an inspirational woman I never had seen before, not in my borderline mother. I know that ‘being feminine’ has nothing to do with being gay or bi or not, but I know that led me to think who do I want to attract when I go out. Who do I want to look at me? Boys or girls? I often find myself searching other girls’ eyes to see if they are noticing me, but not guys, I usually avoid their stare. It’s unnerving to know they are looking at me.
And there is this thing too. One day I realized – just like when I realized I loved him – that I was inlove with one of my college friends. She was amazing, always happy and liked me a lot. I guess she somehow noticed that cause we grew distant, naturally. We often mail each other but, it’s not the same anymore. Or maybe it was just me drifting away from myself again.
It’s a long story. Can you help?
(sorry about my english, it’s not my native language)