The typical “I’m in love with my best friend” thingy…

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So yeah, as you probably can see so is  my ‘story- kind- of -thing going to be about how and why I fell in love with my one and only best friend.

And I’m sorry if my English aren’t that great…

Anyway, so I’ve known this girl for as long as I can remember. She’s one year younger than me though, but it feels like we’re in the same age because she’s so mature and such. As I was saying, we’ve been friend since forever and so has our parents (they are the reasons for us to become so close). When I was younger she and her family often visited and we would play and go out in the woods and such. Though there was times when they didn’t visit for a whole year or so, but that’s mainly because we lived in 2 different cities pretty far away from each other. Anyway, when I became a bit older, around 8-10 maybe, me and my family moved to the city she lived in and I even went to her school, though in a different class. We both were really happy and we spent all of our days together. Suddenly she had to move because of her having problems in school(bullying and such) so she had to move across the city and attend to another school. I ofc got extremely sad and so did she, but we still managed to keep in touch for a few month before both of us stopped calling completely.
When I went to 6-7 grade I was extremely bullied and didn’t have a single person whom I could call a friend, and many times I though suicidal thoughts and how good everyone would be without me, but I kept on living and I struggled to keep walking everyday. My parents knew about how hard it was for me to go to school, though I had no problem what so ever with homework and such, but they knew that the students were mean to me. I really love my parents and if they hadn’t talked to me and given me lot of their attention, I think I wouldn’t be here now. Anyway, back to the main reason to why I’m writing.

So, at the end of the 7th grade, my one and only friend who had moved away across the city, stood inside of my room. I of didn’t recognize her at first ( it was at least 4 years since I had seen her) but she knew perfectly well who I was and hugged me tightly and said ” you haven’t changed at all” or something along the lines. only then did I figure out who she was and I hugged her again and we both started to talk more often and hang out. She’d changed so much. She wasn’t the same cry baby that I remembered her as and her hair was so long. She’d gotten quite a big breast also and she also had gained a great figure. Though her smile and laugh were still as cute and dorky as I had remembered them.

I gained confident when I was by her side and I dared to do things at school which I normally wouldn’t even dream of doing when I was alone. For example; I colored my hair to the brightest pink. Mainly because she did so and I wanted to be like her. Oh god all those stares I got when I was walking through the city, I’m not even gonna mention how people reacted in school.
Of course I got bullied for it, but frankly I was used to it and I already knew that they would criticize it, so why bother? xD
Anyway, after half a year or so, I started to get friends. REAL friend. People who I could talk to and people who seemed to like me. And it was all because of her.

Now I know that my feelings for her is love, but back then I only tried to deny it. Yes I had somewhere alone my time of middle school, dreamed of having passionate sex with her. Of course I now know that it’s pretty common, but I didn’t know that then. I freaked out from the dream and I thought that something was wrong with me for even thinking or dreaming something like that about your best friend. That’s where everything started though. Ever since that dream I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing her, holding her hands or hugging her. I tried to shove the thoughts away and I kept telling myself that she was my best friend and nothing more. So I desperately tried to fall in love with someone else, in a boy. And there was a guy who actually confessed to me. I thought of denying him, but then I figured that if I try to love him, then I would stop loving her. Yes I’m selfish and I know now that it was HORRIBLE of me doing so to the guy…And I really regret doing it to him because he’s a great guy. My best friend though was happy that I got together with someone as she had noticed that I’d been kind of down. It hurt me deep when she said so, but I simply smiled and said that he’s a nice guy and all that. Aren’t I a complete IDIOT?!

Anyway, after about 9 month or so I broke up with him. I knew that my feelings for her couldn’t be replaced or exchanged. So I told the guy the whole truth and he seemed ok with it, but he got sad and said that he needed some time alone. My best friend ( lets just call her Mei) however couldn’t figure out to why I broke up with him. But she said that it was fine whatever makes me happy. At that moment I just wanted to blurt out everything and say ”Well I love you and want to kiss you. That makes me happy.” but ofc I didn’t say that to her…

In 9th grade she  and I went to our first anime convention( yes we both love and adore anime/manga) and we cosplayed too. It was so fun and we got to meet a lot of funny people. This wasn’t really necessary to  write, but it was a big event in my life..

Well after 9th grade we was about to start our first year in highschool. We both couldn’t go to the same school as she choose music and theater, while I choose medicine ( I’m not really sure of what these educations are called in english…sorry^^”) But we still kept in touch and were still the best kinds of friends.

Both of our schools are in a different city from where we live, so we have to sit on a buss for about one hour very day. It didn’t bother me though, because I wanted to spend more time with her. Though suddenly she started clinging on to me and saying this as “my hands are cold” and then she’d hold my hand through the whole ride to our schools. That happened a lot of times. There was even times when she fell asleep while leaning on me, and I had to fight against the urge to embrace her.

Mei would always talk about her “adventures” in her class and all of her friends that she’d gotten, and I was happy for her. I mean why wouldn’t I be? But at the same time I was extremely jealous at the thought of someone else making her happy. Yes I AM a really selfish and jealous person…

Mei is a person who really adores homosexuality and such, so there was this one time when she’d read something about homophobia, and out of nowhere she said to me ” if we ever see a homophobic person, we have to kiss.” Can you imagine my reaction to this? I pretty much had 70 different shades of red on my face and I quickly tried to change the subject to something else. That sudden statement form her didn’t exactly help me to forget about my feelings for her…

I know that she’s straight, I know that she likes guys, but when she gives me these signs, like begging to hold hands and such, I only end up falling for her all over again. Though I know that holding hands and such are pretty usual when you’re best friends. So, now I’m desperately trying to avoid her. I try not to talk to her as much as necessary and whenever she begs me to hold her hand on the bus I just shake it off and tells her no. Deep down it hurts me to do this, but I think that if I do so I’ll somehow grow away from these feelings that I have for her.

And now, about 3 years after I fell in love with Mei, she told me that she was in love with someone. And that someone was someone who went to her class. A boy.  We were both sitting on a roof, it was like our secret place that we always went to if we would talk. She told me everything about this boy and how much that she hated him because he was such a bully(not in the bad bully way but like…friendly? but only for her) but she said that she thought about him every day and that she finally knew that she liked him more as a friend. I was crying inside. I even fought back tears as she continued to tell me about this guy. I wanted to scream and tell her that it was wrong and that I loved her much more than anyone else could ever do. But ofc I didn’t do that. Instead I just smiled and we kept talking for awhile before she had to get to the bus. when she had gone home however, I cried rivers. I screamed there on the roof and seriously thought of jumping down the house(which would be sure to kill me) but I couldn’t jump, instead I just cried and cried. Finally I went home and I went straight to my bedroom, locking the door and turning up the volume at max. (Nickelback all the way) And now I’m here…writing this and hope to get someone to talk to or at least some kind of tip…I feel as if my world is gone right now and I need someone, just someone who I can talk to.

Thank you for reading.

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