look heres the deal.

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I’m 20yrs. old, female, never been in a relationship on a date had a valentine, all that shit. Always I’ve spent most of my life defending my sexuality to family members and friends for year sand I even convinced myself. A lot of things about guys are attractive to me there’s some hot ones out there but I’m still single. My close friends find my non-exsistant relationship history strange and I do to. I realize when some guys try to “make moves” or whatever but iv’e always been kinda socially awkward and ignore it or don’t know what to do with it or fuck bit up, its getting better now that I’m in college but idk.

Anyways, this past valentines day, a couple different things happened that opened my eyes to a world I wasn’t really asking for. Basically I unknowing created a lot of sexually tension with a girl I sat next to all quarter in class and I realized she had been waiting for me to really find it; Its hard to explain and this post is long enough but I couldn’t stop thinking about her for weeks and I wanted to get to know her. Then later on the same day a girl in my other class started showing an interest in me, but less serious. THEN I went to my friends house and randomly watched a movie on Netflix about two guys who meet and had feelings for each other even though they considered themselves straight and all the anxiety that resulted from their urges but hesitations. But at the end of the movie the two guys ended up being together, even though it wasn’t easy and it was really beautiful and inspiring at the time. And one of the girls watching it is gay, now that I realized it, and there’s always been this awkward energy between us and I really like her, like personality wise and physically and I’ve known her for a while and yeah. I could tell she was really touch by the movie too, and she now wants both of us to act on our feeling now but idk if im ready. And now we cant just hang out like we used to.

But basically Im now aware of lesbians and can spot one out a mile away and they can spot me, I think before it never really clicked.But ive spent years denying it and im not ready to deal with my feelings but I cant ignore them but its just too hard and I could find a man if I responded to them and put in an effort and I just want to be normal. I’ve always been a strong and serious support of equal rights but now I know for sure im directly involved in this battle and its just too daunting.

Not to offend anyone with my ignorance, but also in high school a lot of girls claimed to be bisexuals one week and straight the next and I always thought it was stupid so I kinda started not believing in bisexuals I felt that they were either attention whoring straight people or gay but not completely out of the closet.  And I feel like im honesty attracted to dudes, and now Im questioning whether or not im one of the one iv’e dismissed. Just when I thought I sort of identified myself, found comfort in my own skin and almost completely believed the sexual orientation Ive reported on paper, all these suppressed feeling emerge. I haven’t told a sole about this shit and its stressful and I feel less connected with the few close friends Iv’e had to years. Ughhh iv’e just struggled with finding happiness and being content with myself throughout my life so far and I don’t need this right now. I dont know if anyone will even read this or what I want to hear from anyone and even how active this website is, haha I considered not typing all this half way through but I’ve had all this and more cluttering my mind for almost two months now and I couldnt take it anymore. Long story short I don’t want to be lesbian.

One last thing: I was smoking a cigarette in the alley of this out door shopping area in my city about two weeks ago and I saw this lesbian couple in a car, she was dropping off her in a rush to go to work or something and quickly pulled over to drop her off and kissed her goodbye. Im sure I was the only other person that saw, I wasnt intruding i was happened to witness it. But right after they knew someone had seen them and looked up at me as if they were guilt of something and I knew it. Once they saw me and knew that I wasn’t bothered or going to judge them I felt their energy relaxed and they appeared to moved on with life, but ill remember them-its an example of what I could have if I was ready, but also a less easy lifestyle where I might never feel completely comfortable in public with someone I love because not everyone in our society is as accepting to difference as someone like me.

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