Super Confused

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Ok,

So I’ll try and make this short. I’m 25 and straight. I’ve been best friends with the same girl for 5 years now- lets call her J. We used to be room mates but have since moved into our own places. When I first moved in with her and some other girls we were just normal friends, but then we started hanging out more, and developed feelings for each other. Neither of us really understood because we’re both straight. One thing lead to another and we started fooling around. No one knew and we were a part of a pretty strict church- so we’d go for drives at night and mess around etc. Or she’d sleep in my room with me and we’d just cuddle. Anyways, that was probably 3.5 years ago. That went on for maybe 2 years total. In that time we both got asked to leave the church (no comments on that please, it was understandable given other circumstances) – She stayed in that town and I moved away, we didn’t talk for 5 months. My heart felt like it was broken during that time, she said she had the same thing. Then she ended up moving to the same place i live- “for me”. but told everyone around us it was for work. We ended up living together in a 2 bedroom apartment but just used one for storage. We never defined what we had as a relationship, but it was. I fell in love, and I think she did too. Then one day she decieded she wasnt okay with it anymore, and asked me to back off. She said she’d never be able to be fully in it, she felt wrong about it etc. So slowly but surely I tried to move on- I dated a few men, she got so jealous that one time she even almost kicked me out because she was so worried while i was gone. That told me she wasnt over it at all. And truthfully I wasn’t either, I wanted to be with her. We both decided it’d be best if we moved out and got our own places. we live in the same building as each other but different apartments.
Now here we are today- I have so many mixed feelings, she recently was dating a guy who shes since broken up with because she didn’t have feelings for him. I sleep over at her house almost every night- some nights we cuddle, others we don’t. sometimes shes okay with me hugging her other times she isnt. Shes all over the place. I backed off because I knew that it’d be the best thing. She clearly wanted to move on. Until last night..She and I got drunk and we ended up fooling around, a lot. I felt so amazing about it, I felt like she was “back” I guess. It felt right. And then this morning, when I woke up, she was in the shower and I had a text from her saying “I’m sorry for last night, I should have stopped you, but i didnt i feel terrible now and im sorry.” I was so confused, this has happened on more than one occasion, she’ll deny having feelings but then gets drunk and is all over me. And then acts like it was my fault anything happened. One thing too, without getting graphic. She has always said she thinks shes broken..down there. because she doesnt get turned on. But anytime we’ve ever messed around, she’s always just fine. But won’t ever admit to it. I text her today and said “your clearly not broken” and she got upset thinking I was trying to prove a point, when I was really just making a comment. Drama Drama Drama!

I don’t even know what to do. If i tell her how I feel she’ll continue to deny her end of it. From what i can tell, she obviously still has feelings but because she thinks its “wrong” and such, she won’t give into it.

Any advice would be super helpful. I got to a point where I told her I didn’t have feelings for her anymore (which i didnt think i did) Mostly though so we could remain friends if nothing else. What do I do :/

N

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