Dazed and confused

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I’m 16. I always liked boys.From the very beginning.I was always,kind of,fitting in better in their company.I’ve grown up with them ,literally.Having an older brother is always a good thing when it comes around boys.

I was a completely different person back then,before high school.Before I met one girl.So,I didn’t know anybody in the class.They all knew each other somehow ,and made cliques and stuff already,on the first day of school.I met a girl , and as the time passed,we became unseparable friends.She totally changed me,and the way I looked at the world.I was always creative ,but never really paid attention to it ,until I met her.She helped me to raise my self-esteem.She made me feel special in  a way nobody ever could.I don’t really know was it because of the hard times I went through those months,or because of my depression , or anything else, but I realized that I started sensing some feelings I never had before. Before her ,I never admired a girl like that.Because I was straight,period.I was supposed to be straight.

I don’t know what was about her that made her so interesting ,fascinating,beautiful to me.But she was.I didn’t feel about my other girls as I did about her.About my other best friends.I was connected to her in a way I never felt like with anyone.

I met a guy back in january.He was amazing and I really liked him.I was attracted to him.We started dating and it was it.It felt amazing and till May ,I totally fell in love with him. We broke up in june. I had a big fight with her,my friend,in june.

So ,in june ,as you can already see,everything fell apart.

I don’t even talk to him or to her anymore.It’s just…there is a big distance between us.Now,in August,something happened to me.

I have two best friends,whom I have known since the earliest days.We went to the elementary school together.One of them is very outgoing ,we will call her ”H”.She was a brunette,but she became a blond.Everyone thinks she’s a whore but I like her,cause I get to see the other side of her,that no one but her closest friends sees.She is a great,great friend. The other one,lets call her my soulmate.We are unseparable. Call her ”Y”.So,she’s insecure,weak,there were times when she was anorexic,she cut(I did too,a lot more and a lot more bad than her,not to mention that I was bulimic, I’m still in the high depression and even today ,sometimes my bulimical issues come up again). She’s beautiful.I’ve always known that.But this month,I started admiring her.I started looking at her in a way -more than a best friend.And we’ve known each other ,like,for centuries.

”H” was on a vacation and when she came back,we all had a lazy day at ”Y”s house.We did the usual,movies,chatting,laughing,eating. Back before,it wasn’t strange for us three to wrestle on the bed,or cuddle ,or even kiss.It was normal,because we were really,really close.So that day,we cuddled and did things on the bed.It didn’t feel strange to them,but I didn’t have the same feeling I had before.Now they I really liked it,liked them.I liked ”Y” more.I came home,and made myself forget about the tense feeling in my stomache and move on.Nothing happened.Just ordinary stuff.

I don’t usually wear make up.But today ,mom asked me where am I going out,and I said I’m gonna go to ”Y”s.Out of a sudden, I had the tense feeling again.I was excited about seeing her and I wanted to make myself pretty for her.It was like I was going on a date,I started putting on make up and drew out the best I had from my closet.I remember the day she told me I was beautiful and that she admired me.She wore a lot of make up,cause she loved it and it made her feel better under her skin.Though she never believed me when I told her she was beautiful without it.

So I went there,looking the best I could.It was our usual hangout.We smiled and laughed a lot,but I am not sure how do I feel about her.

I don’t know is this a feeling that will pass,or a phase,or is it something big.I’m just confused and I’m not sure about me being straight anymore.I like guys,a lot,I check them out all the time , and stuff.But shes not the only girl who’ve I’ve checked out. And I love her , but now I am not sure is it in a friendly-sister way or is it romantic.

I’m just not sure about anything..What should I do? Wait for the storm (of mixed feelings) to pass , and then see what remains? Help!


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