Posts by alexkarma:
I’m More Into Women… But I Like A Guy
March 30th, 2008Ok, so it seems like I’m always stuck in this predicament. For some reason, it’s so hard to find a girl that I’m sexually attracted to, that’s gay or really bi (meaning not bi-curious), that I really vibe with, is single and wants more than a “fling”. I know that sounds like a lot to ask for, but what can I say, I have some standards. 
So this has caused me to stray from women on more than one occasion I guess. I would rather be with a woman… sexually and emotionally. I did fall in love (I think) with a guy a little over a year ago. Things were going swell. He treated me like gold. He loved me. He bought me crap. He would bend over backwards and do anything for me… you get the point. I really cared about him, and yes, I loved him. The only problem was, initially, I was somewhat sexually attracted to him, but as time went on, it started to grow less and less. See, I’ve never had “sexual intercourse” with a guy, or oral sex. I’ve done other “sexual” things, but never wanted to go that route until I found “true love”, or so I told myself as a teenager.
I am now 22, and I have realized that I am, indeed, almost a full bonafide lesbian. Although I’ve only seriously dated a few girls, I can confidently say, since before I even hit puberty, I knew I was more sexually attracted to women. 90 percent of the time when I fantasize or masturbate, it is about a woman. Okay, I’m straying from the point here… My problem is, these guys that I get involved with, I won’t have a full sexual relationship with. I don’t feel like it’s “right” for whatever reason, and I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that way, which ultimately severs my emotional contact with them and I find a reason to break it off.
I have other repressions which I won’t get into detail about, but it’s possible I could have been molested at a young age, and I don’t know if that has something to do with it… Now I’m attracted to another guy who is a “pretty boy”, like the other one I dated a year ago. I am VERY attracted to him. I love kissing him and I think he’s gorgeous. I know it’s extremely early to be concerned about the next step, as we just kissed once, but I don’t know if I should even consider proceeding with this for my own weird gratification… I mean, come on, he’s most likely not going to get any from me, and if we become “attached” it’s probably going to end badly. What the hell should I do? I am not playing him, because I honestly like his personality, his body, and enjoy kissing and other activities, just not sex. Is this fair to him?
