Posts by bird92:

In Love With My Roommate, I Need Help

February 15th, 2009

I thought I was straight but I’m more confused than I’ve ever been right now. I met this girl last year when we were freshman in college and we became best friends. We spent the summer apart and it felt horrible, I don’t know if I’ve ever missed anyone so much. She said she felt the same way but I figured we both thought it was just a really good friendship. Over the summer she told me her boyfriend asked her if she was a lesbian because of how much she talked about and missed me, I didn’t think anything of it. So, we moved in together this year last September. She broke up with her boyfriend. One night we got drunk in our apartment and she was acting different towards me. She was mean and trying to be distant. I said I knew it was because we were in love but we’re scared to be. Everything I didn’t even know I felt came out. She said she felt the same way and tried to kiss me but I kept moving away because I just realized I felt this way about her and was terrified. The next week we pretended like nothing happened and when I brought it up she said she forgot it.

We’ve been flirting and making this eye contact that feels like she wants me to kiss her and she brushes past me making sure she touches me. When she’s drunk she either hits on me or gets really mad at me. She always wants me to sleep in her bed and when I do she puts her leg on me when she’s asleep. She’ll play songs for me that say lets run away together and asks to move to away with me.

This went on for about two months with nothing happening between us. Then she started having sex with this guy in our apartment. I didn’t know what to think because I thought we felt the same way and it hurt a lot. We got drunk again and I slept in her bed. I told her how I felt about everything and wanted to know why she was doing this. I asked her if it was all in my head. She said she really liked him and didn’t know what I was talking about. I tried to kiss her but she wouldn’t kiss me. But I slept holding her and asked why she was okay with that if she had no idea what I was talking about and she said it was comfortable. She saw that guy off and on for a month or two, the whole time being very distant from me and avoiding me. I started to get over it and was distant from her. He stopped seeing her as soon as I was getting over the idea of her and me. Then she apologized for everything (when she was drunk of course) and said he wasn’t me and wants our relationship to be how it was. I was scared to open myself up to that idea again but I did. The same thing with the flirting and everything started happening again. She apologized sober for everything but not saying what everything was when I asked. Then she started seeing this new guy last week and I got really mad and depressed and stopped talking to her for a couple of days. She kept asking what was wrong and I text her why I was so mad and she completely denied everything. She has told me when she was drunk that she’s just being realistic. I started talking to her again and she’s doing the flirting thing again.

So, I think she is in love with me as I am with her but she is so scared of what people will think. I am scared of what people will think but it’s worth it to me because I’ve never felt like this before. I don’t know if she is ever going to let herself be. I can’t stop thinking about her and when I’m with her (which is all the time because we live together) I want to kiss her especially when she looks at me that way. She has told me that I am her sweetest downfall. I am so confused, I don’t know if I should let the idea of us go or be completely honest sober risking feeling like I was crazy because she might deny it and she might tell people I’m gay and I don’t even know if I am yet. If I do let this go how can I still live with her and let her go? I know I need to do something because I am tired of one second thinking she feels the same way and the next she leaves me being distant and being with some guy?

Please help I really don’t want to give up on this because it feels like the most comfortable home with her I feel like my heart is supposed to always be right next to hers’.

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