Posts by candy:

Need advice On “Sexual” Girlfriend

June 17th, 2008

Hi. My story may seem unusual to some, but I really need advice…

I am a lesbian but I choose to be celibate (due to personal reasons I’d rather not get into). However, I love being intimate with a woman (i.e., being close to one, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, spooning, etc). Anyway, I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 7 months now. When we were dating, I told her about my celibacy, and she was okay with it. She said that she could always have sex with herself (lol). At first, everything was perfect. We were completely devoted to one another, we enjoyed each other’s company, and we were in love. But after a couple of months, I felt her slipping away. When I confronted her about it, she admitted that it was difficult not to have sex with someone she loves. I really felt guilty after that. Even though she’s not the type to pressure me into having sex, I know that she was hurting and making a huge sacrifice. I realize how selfish I was for not thinking about her needs at all. At the time, I thought about it carefully, and decided to let her go. I couldn’t satisfy her sexual needs and didn’t want to hold her back. It wasn’t fair to keep her with me knowing she had these feelings. We then had a huge fight about it. But the next day, she came to me and said she refuses to let me go… that we were right for each other, and that this shouldn’t break us apart because what we have is something special. She said that I should trust her because she would never cheat on me. It was terribly romantic, and I got lured back in. I felt even more in love with her, if that’s even possible. I wish the story ends here, but unfortunately real life doesn’t always end happily, ever after.

5 months into the relationship, we moved in together. I work night shifts at the hospital, and one night (rather, early morning), I saw her dozed off in front of the computer. I gently woke her and helped her into bed. Then I went back to shut down the computer, but when the screensaver deactivated, I saw an IM box… apparently, she was chatting with someone else. I couldn’t help myself so I read it. Needless to say, there was much more than flirting going on, and I was very upset. I was so upset that it took me awhile to realize that there was a pc camera staring at my face. I didn’t even know we had one. I slept in the couch but couldn’t sleep at all because all sort of thoughts were running through my head. How long has she been doing this? Did she know this other woman? Are they close? Is she planning on meeting up with her?

The next day (actually it was noon), she asked me why wasn’t I in bed. And I told her what I had found on the computer. The most aggravating thing was, she pretended that it wasn’t a big deal. I started getting angry and let loose my paranoia. She still wasn’t taking it seriously, and I suddenly started crying. She then held me tight, saying she was sorry. When things started to calm down a bit, we started talking. She said that what she does on the computer meant nothing, and it’s simply just an outlet for her rather than going out and doing something she might regret. I asked why she kept it a secret if it meant nothing? All she said was, “because it’s embarrassing.” Of course I had to ask about “her,” and she insisted that she was just some random girl she met in the chat room. Finally, I told her that if my being celibate is an issue, then she should just leave me. She said it isn’t, but I need to learn how to compromise to make “us” work. I jokingly asked her if she was suggesting having an open relationship. She said obviously not, but she wants me to think of her make-believe “cyber sessions” like watching porn.

I sort of agreed, since I don’t expect her to live a celibate lifestyle, but at the same time it doesn’t feel right to me. I know it’s just the Internet, but behind the screen is still a real person with feelings. What if it evolved into something else? Who knows… maybe it wasn’t just a random girl – they probably chatted before. Even now, it’s making me paranoid… and I don’t think this is healthy. What should I do?? Should I go along with this charade? Should I call it quits and find someone like myself (i.e. a celibate lesbian)? Should I see a sex therapist to work on my issues even though I’m satisfied with the way I am?? I honestly don’t know what to do anymore…

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