Posts by denise:

Process

October 29th, 2009

A quite disappointing setback came across my path towards lesbian freedom. I understand that jumping from A to K just isn’t logical, yet at the same time, there is no “path” to becoming a lesbian. I am who I am. However, identity is one thing—bringing identity into balance with society and culture is another. Bringing all of this into reality just isn’t working.

Because of my job, I’m able to travel some, so right now I’m at a very liberal place. I figured since no one knew me here I’d give it a shot and try to meet some people. I must admit, I’ve been subtle. So far, I’ve only walked through the gay district and gone into a bookstore there a couple of times. I guess I should say I really haven’t tried. Nonetheless, recently I planned to go to a lesbian speed dating night. That night I talked myself into going. I was running late trying to find the place. When I found it, I couldn’t go in. I probably walked around the block at least 4 times. Finally, I left on the account that it was too late. I felt awful that night. I couldn’t even walk in the building. That seems like no process at all.

Does it ever get better or easier dealing with the process? I’ve known of proponent people that lived their entire life without being open with their sexuality. People that are fearless sometimes fall astray when it comes to her/his sexuality. Perhaps, I’m asking these queries because I can’t ever see myself getting to the point of even approaching a lesbian, let alone coming out as one—and that makes life a bit disappointing. I don’t want to be one of those people that live life alone. I also don’t want to be one of those people that get so desperate they back to men. I’ve turned down so many men—good fellas, but if the opportunity presents itself so many times…you know?

I’m sure all things will work out. It’s just one of those moments where all of this seems so overwhelming and complicated. No one said it would be easy, huh.

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Need Help Meeting Other Lesbians

October 8th, 2009

Over the past few months, I have made very subtle but significant steps to freedom. Still only 2 people know. 1 was like a secret lover I broke up with and no longer talk to. The second person only thinks she knows (she has a gaydar out of this world). Unfortunately, I still lack the confidence to come out to those around me. My subtle steps of freedom have been my ability to come out to myself. It’s a scary process.

I have just relocated for a few months due to my job. The great thing is that no one knows me here. I really feel like now is a good time to challenge myself and try to meet some people or that someone. I’m just clueless on what to do! I happen to be located in a very gay driven area. So far, I’ve walked through the “gay” parts of town and I’ve had no luck. The only social place I can think of is a lesbian bar, but I don’t know it I can take that scene all at once. I think I’d be like a dear in headlights with a big sign on my head saying “first timer here!” Do you recommend the lesbian bar scene or should I take a more subtle approach. I’m nervous as hell right now, but I really want to meet some lesbians! Please help in any way… even tips on how to talk with other lesbians! This is all so new.

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Break-Up or Breakdown

March 26th, 2009

I’m in desperate need for advice. I haven’t completely come-out—only to a few friends. So my first love was also the first person I came out to. She was like my first friend in this era, and I really started to like her quickly after we became friends. I’m still not sure if it was because I was so vulnerable. The main problem was that I was into the relationship more than she was. After a few months of dating she admitted it and I accepted it. We decided to just be friends. I was hurt that it couldn’t work out, but we had a lot of obstacles and I guess she thought it was not worth the fight. However, I didn’t want to lose contact with. After a month or so went by and we’d continue to hangout and have a lot of intimate times (just the 2 of us at my place or her place) together but if was just awkward. We both admitted it and got back together. Within a week she told me she loved me. I was so thrilled because I’d been waiting to tell her the same. Unfortunately, because my job required me to travel for 4 months across the country, it hindered us from seeing each other. Oddly, it wasn’t that difficult because we didn’t spend that much physical time together anyway as often as we talked on the phone. We were both cool with it because of our schedule. In fact, if we had not met the way we did, our paths would have never crossed. We are total opposites but I guess our hearts WERE magnets for each other.

To make the long story short, one day she got upset about a small incident and I got upset with her for blowing it in my face. Next thing you know, she’s telling me how we should just be friends and that she didn’t love me like I loved her. She told me this shit over the phone. I told her I couldn’t be a friend. I suggested we part ways. She told me to give her time to talk it out. She never called. It’s almost been 3 weeks. We’ve never gone more than a day without talking to each other even when we back track before. Maybe a week or so ago she sent a text asking me to call her. At first, I felt pressured to do it but the more I thought about it the more I realized it wasn’t my job to make the initial move on the relationship anymore. Sometimes I feel like she’s my only true friend because she knows this side of me (being a lesbian). Yes, I’ve told other friends, but what would they know? Should I call or let it go and move on. Should I allow this to be a break-up and plan on never talking to her again or should l continuing having moments when I breakdown and want nothing more but to hear her voice or smell her scent? I know she feels like hell for not telling me before that she was not really into the relationship like I was but she still led me on. She told me she loved me just as much as I told her. She kissed me just as passionately as I kissed her. But now that I know it wasn’t completely genuine, I feel like an ass.

I think I just need some closure for both sides to be heard. But I know that she’ll suck me back into being friends and my feelings will get more involved. I don’t have time for it. I told her how I felt about everything in a letter because I didn’t want any interruptions over the phone or any emotional outbreaks in person, and now she can’t even respond? She’s just silent. I don’t know if my words made her feel even worse and not worthy to try to respond to me or if she just doesn’t give a damn. I really need help. This is my only support group right now. I am going crazy not hearing from her. The change is way too drastic for me. Especially with this being my first relationship.

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