Posts by hope:

Are There Still Women in Venus?

October 8th, 2009

Why is it that most people (even straight people) can spot a gay man from miles away (based on stereotypes, of course). However, lesbians aren’t that easy. Unless they are butch or are really open, it’s hard to know (still stating this based on stereotypes). If there is an equal amount of lesbians as there are gay men aren’t we kind of screwed because it’s hard to tell? Why are women more subtle? Some gay men have their flamboyancy to give them away but what about lesbians–are we manly? I’d say no because there are many single moms and women doing what some tend to call “a man’s job” (which is an upsetting stereotype) or come across as “hard” women and they are straight. Are we the minority of the LGBTQ community? Even in media, it’s harder to find good lesbian films (other than the L Word), but the gay/lesbian category is loaded with gay films. I just don’t get it. I’m not angry or anything, but these have been a series of questions I have not been able to answer.

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In Need of Friendships/Support

November 10th, 2008

Ok, I’m back again. I posted a few months ago “Worst Kept Secret.” As an update, things are probably the same if not worst. I chose to transfer to the all girls’ school. Though it was away from home, it was a ‘small world’, so my plans for some freedom failed; there are too many people that know members of my family. Coming out is just something I can’t do—I feel I have neither the ability (will) nor support (excluding this site). My family is all I have. I know they wouldn’t ‘disown’ me, but feeling a ‘disconnection’ would be too devastating.

I don’t want to come out. However, like one person posted on my previous blog, I will continue to be miserable with keeping this in. This has been my first stage of gaining some freedom—sharing with you all. Are there any online sources (networking places) anyone would advise? I really want to establish some friendships or relationships where I can be open with someone. I use writing as a source, but eventually the responses of my questions are truly answered. Any help would be great!

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Worst Kept Secret

July 22nd, 2008

I hope the wording isn’t confusing because I have much to say. I guess I can only start from my present state. I was thinking back the other day and realized I’ve been attracted to women since my early years. Someone should have suspected something was different about me when I went around giving cards to women – I guess it was just cute and innocent. I just completed my first year in college, and I’m now in the process of transferring. I think I may be gay (it’s weird writing this). I’ve always been attracted to women – emotionally, physically, and mentally. Until this moment, I’ve never shared these feeling. It’s always been something I kept inside. I guess mainly it’s because the world around me. I can never let those around me know about these feelings. It’s because of the positions my family and I hold. We all hold very prominent positions and one ounce of this would… I can’t describe. I’m the youngest in my family and probably labeled as the radical one. I’m very outspoken. I’ve done what my siblings haven’t done and more. So there’s a lot of pressure.

The past few months I’ve been screaming inside. I’ve battled several bouts of depression. Each stage has worsened. I guess some depressed states have been obvious. I try to hide it as well as I can. I guess my brothers and sister think it’s because of school and my dad, who is very ill (bed rest, feeding tube…). Yes, that is stressing but waking up every morning with my arms wrapped around a pillow fantasying it’s a woman is depressing enough. I love writing. Sometimes I find myself creating scenarios with another woman – living through a dialogue. I don’t really know why I’m writing this because I cannot see the day when I’d be free of this feeling. I never thought holding something inside could be so detrimental in my life. I’m miserable. Everyday I’m fighting to prove my straightness to my family by talking about my dream husband and guys. However, I feel uncomfortable when too close to a guy. I’ve never dated a guy. I had innocent boyfriend relationships with guys when I was younger. Nevertheless, when no one’s around, I live through that dialogue again.

What in the hell do I do? My life seems like a big secret. I hide anything that would lead anyone to even think I am a lesbian. I try reading books secretly. It was hell trying to watch The L Word without someone knocking on my door or barging in my room. Sometimes I feel like I’m no better than a hypocrite. What I’d give to feel the embrace of a woman is priceless. A secret that can never be told. By the way, I trying to decide between two schools. One of the schools is practically paid for. However, I really want to go to the school that’s full of loans. My family wants me to go to that school as well. BUT that is an all female school. What the hell do I do?

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