Posts by jauntyJ:

Help Help Help

October 6th, 2009

Someone please give me some advice. I’m suffering. I’m hurting so bad its unbelievable. Anyone ever just have to cry but they can’t because they’re too stoic… that’s me. I’m hurting.

2 weeks ago, I went to a party… got wasted… blacked out… (Shit I know, so bad, fun party while it lasted though)… until the next few days. I went with my best friend, who happens to be my roommate. She is absolutely my best friend… (And maybe I do have a little bi thing for her.)

She won’t talk to me. I had a mutual friend confront her; she asked hey I noticed the two of you aren’t really like you used to be. My best friend responded that I had said something really hurtful at the party and she was just hoping she could forget about it.

Two weeks later things are a bit better, but here’s the thing… it still hurts me so much. I don’t even know what I did, and the worst thing is that I can never get her alone anymore, she has way more friends then she did before… I felt neglected even before this happened… and now I’m on the verge of losing one of the most important people in my life. She hates me… and when I tried one day to confront her and talk about it she avoided me until like 1 in the morning.

I’m hurting so bad… I’m a junior in college, I have so much shit on my mind… but now I sit in class and stare out the window searching my mind for a way to amend this. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and I don’t hear other people when they’re talking to me. And the worst thing is she doesn’t even see how hurt I am… it’s not just her who is hurting.

Someone… any advice…please I hope someone reads this.

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Just Sharing Some Thoughts…

March 11th, 2009

I can’t stop thinking about my former roommate, who is abroad having the time of her life. It seems like every time I talk to her, there is this overwhelming weight on me, just thinking about the experiences she is having without me. I see pictures of her with this other girl and I am extremely jealous, I can’t even tell anymore if it’s the fact that I miss her so much, or if it’s the friendship aspect of it, and that I’m really insecure about her having this new person she met on the trip that she seems to cling to.

She is that type of person, and I think that perhaps that’s how I got attracted to her in the first place… she’s very clingy… I suppose I need that, while she was over her… she clearly needed me as a friend and clung to me. Now she found someone else to cling to. Sometimes I think I should have gone abroad, even if it meant I would have been miserable, but really I think either way I would have been miserable… over there seeing her with men, or the guys of the traveling group that she has gotten close to. I just don’t know.

I am supposed to live with her again next school year when she returns, but I can’t help but think it’s going to be so different. My feelings right now for her are so mixed, I miss her, yet it seems whenever I talk to her, something gets to me and I become a complete asshole. I was hoping that my feelings for her would disappear, that being away from her would help, 4000 miles of distance has not helped, I think about her everyday, every hour. I thought that me not going abroad would protect me from seeing her with men, etc but it’s made things worse. I fear I could lose a friend. I would trade in all my bi feelings for her, if I could just be assured she will be my friend when she returns. I can’t bear to lose her as a friend; I may be in love with her, but the fact that we had a deeper connection and way more in common then any of my other friends from home or at school means so much to me.

Sorry this is so long, I have so much shit on my mind.

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I Don’t Know…

November 28th, 2008

I’ve never done anything like this, so bear with me I’m a very private person, but have no one to talk to. I’ve only read stuff on this site… and I don’t know I’m strangely nervous even as I type this. I’m 19 years old, sophomore in college. Um, I think I always knew that I liked women, frankly I think I’m bi, because I’ve always been attracted to men but at the same time an attractive woman will walk by and I’ll stop and look too. Its not just curiosity though, I’ve had intense feelings for some women. The first was in H.S. I never acted on it for fear of scrutiny but I was so enthralled by her, I would fantasize and whenever I could get to talk to her alone at school or parties I would.

When I came to college, I knew my feelings for this particular girl would wear off although I do still think of her. My freshman year I met my best friend, she is now my roommate. I have a thing for her, its so hard living with someone you have intense feelings for. She’s straight or at least she presents herself this way, she talks about losing her virginity and random experiences she’s had, I can’t stand hearing about things of this nature. It hurts me so much, not to mention I’m just a very jealous person, it’s not about me having a thing for her, it’s about our friendship as well. Next semester she won’t be in the US, she’s studying abroad, I was supposed to go but backed out, b/c of academics and just a little because I was afraid she would lose her virginity there and I would have to hear about it and nod my head politely.

I don’t even really know why I’m on here, I just don’t know what to do, I can’t risk losing her as a friend, I just can’t, deep down I know that over the spring semester my interest in her will probably fade, but I’m not sure. I don’t know what I’m looking for in responses, just anything thoughts are good. Sorry this is so long, I could go on for hours. haha

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