Posts by zed:

Am I The Bad Guy (Girl)?

November 29th, 2008

I am in a bit of a pickle. First of all, I’ve had doubts about my sexual orientation for several years now. I quite honestly don’t know where I stand. I’ve over-analyzed and chewed on the problem so much that it’s hard to be attracted to anybody anymore. I was “straight” throughout high school, then it began to be confusing. I’ve become pretty androgynous and girls fall for me more than guys. My relationships (heterosexual, until recently) have lasted a few months at most and been, well, disastrous. Things would suddenly, unexplainably, get claustrophobic and I would have an urge to run for the woods. And so I would walk away after an awkward break-up and feel disgusted with myself and swear never to do it again.

At the moment I’m sort of dating a girl. We’ve been seeing each other for a bit now, and there’s definitely a connection– we have a lot in common. And she’s sympathetic and so much more REAL than any of the guys I’ve dated. She is down to earth, genuine, beautiful, strong. However, she feels more for me than I for her. She’s the one who originally asked me out. Could it be that I like her because she likes me? I’m afraid that I am using her. I’m afraid that because I want to figure myself out I’m ending up playing with her feelings. How am I supposed to ever know if I am a lesbian if I don’t end up using somebody along the way? I feel awful.

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