In Love With A “Straight” Woman (I Know, I Need My Head Examined)

Well as a married straight woman having an affair with a lesbian I can tell you that you are probably 99% right. The passion and facination with women, not being able to watch L Word because it evokes too many feelings. Everything you said that she feels is everything I feel. I am deeply in love with the woman I am cheating on my husband with. Never have I felt so much and enjoyed so much with another person. However, she has a partner that she is trying to work things out with, and I have to give her that space. I continually ask myself if they don’t work out, would I be with her? It’s difficult and it’s scary. I cannot stand the thought of being without her but the steps to make that happen are terrifying. Seperating households with my husband, dividing financials. Those are all hard things to make happen. Then you throw in a lifestyle change and coming out to your family, kids, husband, husbands family, being judged, unaccepted, and it becomes easier to stay where you are and lie about who you are. Yes, I secretly want to be with the woman I love I just don’t know if I can take the steps to make that happen. I would like to believe that when it came down to it I could because I love her enough to do that for her, for us. If she works things out with her partner, I know for a fact that I will not be leaving my husband (who is very good to me) to live the lifestyle I truly want, because it’s easier to stay, especially financially. Sounds pretty dang shallow doesn’t it? I still have my own issues to work out obviously. I hope this helps you a little, it has helped me to write out my own thoughts. I would say, be her friend if you are able to, support her. I think eventually she will come around and realize what’s in her heart. I sure hope that for myself.

Wow reading this is like reading a line right out of my life. I too have been having an affair with a woman on the side of my marriage. It is such a complicated story so I won’t go into any detail. It is so hard knowing that in my heart I would rather be with her, but choose to stay because it is the “right” thing to do. To keep my family happy and my son happy, but what about my happiness? And I am married to a wonderful man who has never done me any wrong, but he can not make me feel the way she does. When her and I first began seeing each other I felt like I had been missing out on something my whole life. She brought out these feelings in me that scared me, but at the same time made me feel more alive then ever before. She tells me everyday she will wait until I am ready to leave him, but what if I can never get up the nerve to do it? And by that time will she still be waiting. It is so hard, this has torn me up inside more than any other decision I have had to make in my life. I wish you the best of luck in your decision. It is nice to know that I am not the only married woman out there that is in love with a woman.

I think it matters not what she is, she’s chosen to be with who she wants to be with. Maybe later she’ll decide that’s not what she wants and she’ll be with someone else.

Move on and let her go. And if I were you, I wouldn’t try to be friends, it will just keep you drawn into her.

Oh goodness, here we go…

Meggie: Being suicidal is the problem, not whether or not your ex (and she is your ex now) is a lesbian. It really doesn’t matter whether she secretly wants to be with you or not - she made her choice, and you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you for real. You need to forget about her and take care of yourself.

Ramonica and Sassysaritota: For the life of me, I will never understand why any grown woman would think she is doing herself or her family any favors by living a lie. Forget about the fact that you’re miserable for a minute - don’t you think your husbands deserve the opportunity to be with someone who actually wants them? Don’t you want your kids to grow up believing that being gay is ok, that every person deserves to be with who they want, and that living honestly is better than lying for the sake of (perceived) comfort? I understand that getting divorced and coming out is terrifying, but you owe it to yourself and your family to stop lying to the whole world all day, every day. I promise you that your kids will still love you, and so will everyone else in your life who is worth keeping around.

I don’t want to be harsh or unsympathetic, I just hate to see good people waste their lives on lies and misery.

Now, now. Coming out is a process, and many of us went through it years ago. But it takes years, and it can take a while for the people around us. I took five years to come out to my mother, and it took about another ten before she told anyone she had a lesbian daughter.

But in the end, we are all better for standing up for who we are with the people we love and saying, this is who I am, accept me or not, I will handle the consequences if you can’t. It makes us stronger and more centered people.

She can’t watch the L Word because it hurts? She’s a lesbian. Coming out is a process though, I know it was for me. So you might be what got the ball rolling. I would stay friends with her, distant friends so it doesn’t hurt too much.

I actually just dedicated a blog about turning out lesbians to my good friend (and now finally after 4 years out of the closet). We dated 4 years ago and now she is in SF and breaking girl’s hearts. It feels like only yesterday she was dating guys and so confused.

So yeah, she just sounds like she needs time, and someone to check in with along the many steps of her coming out process.

Cheers and good luck:)

Ok, I am no expert, but my feelings is this. Your girlfriend first of all married or not she is a LESBIAN, I don’t care how you try to word it. And she decided to go back to her husband. Life is short, enjoy it and in brace it. You have the rest of ur life to find happiness. It might be right around the corner and your crying over someone who has gone back to a man that cheated on her. When she get tired she will leave and she better hope their you might be there for her. Don’t let no one, make u think of taking ur life, because you will be gone and they will still be here. I hope everything works out for u.