Needing Man?

As a girl who used to get the peen, I understand your frustration- because I deal with my partner’s suspicion on a daily basis. First, you have to just trust her. I know that sounds waaay easier said than done, but life’s about taking chances. ANYONE a person dates could cheat, or stray with anyone else. That’s the risk one takes falling in love, and being in a monogamous relationship. I’m not saying be blind, but too much suspicion (especially regarding something one is not doing, or has no intention of doing) is a very good way to drive someone away. To sit. on a… you get the point.
Secondly, if she isn’t emotionally attracted to guys, there just leaves one, ehem, piece of the anatomy that she is attracted to. Pull a “Dana” of the L-word and surprise her with a strap-on. Or go shoppping for one together. Ask her what about sex with men makes her hot, and surprise her with it, and try to integrate that aspect in your sex life. Maybe she just likes the animal-ness of it all. If you are usually passive or gentle, be a little agressive every once in a while.
My theory is, if one is fed @home, they won’t eat elsewhere. Best of luck to you.

p.s.- Don’t have a threesome. I’ve seen it ruin too many relationships. (yes, I have freaky friends. ) Its not going to make you feel sexually confidant to watch a guy rock you lady love’s world. In fact, in may cause sexual self-consciousness, and that’s just bad, and could be so for years to come. Plus, a relationship is about two people- you and her. If this is something you are only willing to do for her, then its not going to make you happy in the long run. I can’t commend you enough for making the effort to keep her happy, but don’t lose sight of your own happiness in the process.
And call me old fashioned, but when I love someone, I don’t want to see someone else touching them. I don’t even like to see other girls sitting too close to my girlfriend. (Yes, I am a little jealous… I’m working on it.) Sex is the only thing that one doesn’t share with anyone else- love, conversation, kindness, yes- but sex, no. Keep it in between the two of you.

I agree with miss.b.SL about the strap on or figuring out which aspects of it make her hot and incorporating them. As for the trust, you either trust her or you don’t, and it’s a pretty conscious decision. So make it.

I disagree about the previous advice of a threesome, though. Certainly, they are not for everyone. But personally, I fantasized about watching a guy with my ex-gf, and I’m still sorry that we broke up before we had a chance to do that. In my mind, love is the thing that you don’t share with anyone else. Sex can sometimes just be sex. And if you’re polyamorous, you can share the love too! My point is that just because it isn’t the norm, it doesn’t mean it’s off limits. If you’re comfortable with it, go for it. It might bring the two of you even closer together.

As a very not jealous person, what’s the big deal if she has sex with a guy, as long as she’s honest? I would think the fear is that she would fall for the person she’s cheating with and leave you. But if she has no interest in dating men and uses them strictly for sex, it really shouldn’t affect the love you two have for each other.

But the bottom line is, if you’re uncomfortable with the threesome or her sleeping with a guy, that’s fine. You have the right to set your boundaries, and she should respect them. And give her the benefit of the doubt as far as the trust goes. Her past may very well be just her past.

I can relate to your gf, I like sex with men but I don’t want a relationship with them. I have been with my partner for 15 years, I love her dearly, yet I still sometimes think about sex with men. But thinking or fantasizing is as far as it goes, I would never cheat.

I would really advise against a threesome, at least at this point in time. I mean, do you really think you can handle watching some guy have sex with your gf? And then, will you feel inadequate later, when it’s just the two of you. And what if she connects with guy and starts seeing him behind your back. I just wouldn’t go there.

Hey - if you are concerned with or fearful of her cheating with a guy or another girl (reference to your previous post), I would advise against any threesome. I understand that other people might be into it and it may draw people closer together, but in your case It sounds like it would probably destroy it or make you much more insecure about the whole situation. Don’t feel pressured into anything you don’t deep down want to do just for the sake of not losing her.

Don’t compromise yourself or what you feel would make you too uncomfortable. I think your focus should not be on trying to please her or stop her from leaving - if you focus on your fears you give them too much mental space and it can cloud an otherwise great relationship. Try thinking about things that would strengthen the relationship that you both feel good about.

My coach used to say that FEAR was an acronym for Fals Evidence Appearing Real.

Good advice here so far. I’m poly, and so like watching my SO with other people, especially if those other people have a skill, ability or quality that I lack. I may be the meat/seitan and potatoes, and even the apple pie for my sweetie, but if she really has a hankering for lime Jell-o, I’d prefer that she have some and not obsess on it because she can’t have it.

Before you can go forward, though, there needs to be more discussion about feelings, fears, desires, etc. I understand the appeal of an XY. For them sex can be much less complicated, which allows his partner to let go of hang-ups as well. as great as it is that women are usually more emotionally attuned, sometimes a taste of the Neanderthal is just what’s called for.

“The Ethical Slut,” by Easton and Liszt, is an excellent place to start your discussions, as it goes over many of the pitfalls and problems that arise when we try to open our relationships in an unconventional fashion.

Since she’s emotionally not attracted to dudes, I don’t think she’d leave you over one.

If you have honest curiosity about it, having a threesome is the best way to go. By being present you are, in fact, not cheating. He has to leave when it’s over.

In the end, you’ll figure out what’s best for YOU and your emotional safety. One thing I’ve learned over the years, though, as both the leaving party as well as the left-behind party, is that no outside force can break up a happy relationship. They always fail from the inside out. It’s just that an external situation or person can look like the cause and it’s easier to blame an outside situation or person than to look inside as to what really happened between you.