Lost
I’ve always known I was gay and I’m past questioning myself or being afraid of who I am, whether because of family, friends or religion. I’m now 21 and I’ve been in love with my best friend ever since I was 14, for a long time I had hope that something would happen there, as we never quite had a “normal” friendship. I told her that I was in love with her a couple of years ago, and that created problems at first but we were never able to move on. We took a trip together last year and visited some friends of mine that happened to be gay, seeing one of my gay guy friends in a relationship with a straight guy and another with a bisexual who he knows will eventually leave him to get married, I decided I didn’t want to be in a relationship that wasn’t going anywhere anymore so I stopped talking to her for about 9 months in which during she had been constantly trying to become a part of my life again, I finally gave her an ultimatum, either all or nothing but she wouldn’t agree to either and she kept running after me till I finally gave in and accepted to be “just a friend”.
A lot of my friends think she is gay and is just not willing to deal with it but I know that she is straight, she’s just complicated. Others ask me if we’ve had sex, as if that defines whether you’re in a relationship or not. But we come from a conservative background where sex before marriage is just not acceptable and anyway it’s not about sex, if my goal was to sleep with her, I know that under the right circumstances I could, but then what?
I have finally accepted the situation and I no longer have hope or dreams of us ending up together and I also gave up trying to move on by not talking to her. I’m hoping that time will help me fall out of love; after all, a lot of people lose interest eventually. Till then it hurts me to see her wishing she was in a relationship with a man and although she never dated one since as long as I’ve known her, I know that one day she will and when that day comes I will be heart broken.
If I were in love with someone that loved me back, I would fight the world, I would do anything for that relationship but knowing I can never be with the woman I love, I feel like being gay is too hard, my family is in total denial although they know and none of my friends really understand. I can’t even talk about it to my best friend as naturally, that is a subject she hates since I’ve involved her in it big time.
On the other hand, I get along with men very well, I’m a man’s best friend, they love the fact that there is no tension between us or mind games as I talk to them about women and understand them and there’s 2 men that are in love with me and sometimes I think it would be easier if I were to just pick one of them and try out a real relationship that is without all these problems and complications. I’ve never been in an official relationship as I had enough to worry about and deal with concerning the woman I’ve been in love with all these years. I live in a conservative community and I’m not really a bar/club person, I’m out to most of my friends but most people can’t tell I’m gay, I feel like finding someone I could be interested in that would feel the same way about me is nearly impossible, I always fall for the straight ones and I feel that I am even more picky after having known what passion really is and such a wonderful woman.
Women are so complicated to deal with and I’m tired of trying to deal with them, I gave all for love but having to deal with a woman I’m not in love with is just way past my capability, I’m too tired. Men on the other hand are so simple and so easy to deal with for me, especially when I have 2 that are in love with me and let me have the final word in everything, it’s been at least 2 years and neither have moved on and they’re willing to try it out with me as soon as I say yes even though they both fully know I’m a lesbian who is in love with someone, my family and friends would be so thrilled if I gave such a relationship at chance, what should I do?
I feel like I’m never going to be with a woman and sometimes I need someone to rely on, someone I can go to at the end of the night, someone who can make my life easier, not harder. I know it sounds like I’m giving up but I’ve noticed that I’ve been really quite and busy with my own thoughts lately, I think I’m deeply sad and I feel that trying to focus on work or anything else to distract me would just only be temporary and would not resolve my problems which is pushing me to think about this more so I can make a decision already.
Any advice would be appreciated, thanks for taking the time to read this.
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Boy this is tough, I mean on one hand you are and out lesbian who has trouble with relationships and the other hand wants to be straight to make it easier. I know theres more to it but lets talk about this first…If you are a lesbian you will not be happy in a relationship with these two men. You can’t judge your friendship with these men as a basis of how the relationship will be, it just won’t be the same. When you try to have relationships with straight people things happen, because they are not willing to admit their interest in the same sex. You CAN find a woman who can truly make you happy, she is out there you need to join a gay organization…not as a dating service, but to get involved with other gay and lesbian people to find the right person. Gay or Straight its your call but your thinking straight guys are gonna make you happy is just wishfull thinking. Donna
I agree wholeheartedly with Donna’s comment–being a lesbian, you’re not likely to find lasting happiness with a man. I’d avoid accepting advances from men when you seem sure it’s not what you want or need; it would be misleading, especially considering the 2 men have known feelings for you. Regarding your friend situation, I don’t think there’s a clear answer. From what you’ve shared, I don’t think she’s done anything wrong or undeserving of your friendship. It sounds like your relationship has been ambiguous in terms of whether it’s friendship or more, but it’s both of your responsibilities to disambiguate that. I’d suggest talking to her and trying to sort things out. That said, if being around her is too painful because of your feelings, then an indefinite separation might be the only solution; since you’ve been best friends for such a long period, I’m hoping she’d understand the need. Unfortunately, I think you can only discover which solution, friendship without possibility of anything more or separation, is best when you choose one and experience the consequences of it. Sorry, that wasn’t much of an answer. Good luck.
Long and short of it is you have to follow your heart instead of your head. Your head might say men are easier, but the inner turmoil when you know you are a lesbian, makes it tougher. And miserable.
Since you live in a small community, things are a little tougher. Somehow, somewhere, you need to meet and hang out with gay friends and build a network. If nothing else, you will feel surrounded by people who understand you, hang out and enjoy like minded people and hopefully find someone you never thought you would find. A partner.
Romantic friendships have been around since time began. Romantic meaning two women friends who have intense feelings for each other, but do not engage in sex together. They can often mean more than any other relationship in life because of the intensity.
But what it also does is it sets the bar super high for anyone else to truly make you happy. Someone who can actually be a partner, rather than a friend who you wish could be a partner.
I had the biggest crush on my best friend for years. Finally, I decided I had to find my bliss, and I did. What I found on the journey was really my true self, rather than giving that attention to someone who could not return it.
Best!
For dating ideas and how to meet people you might try this site: http://softlydreaming.com/date.html Not all of the site is up yet, but the dating section is pretty complete.
I was in this exact same situation two years ago. I had fallen in love with my best friend from my Christian High School. She was straight. I was in love with her for four years and in the end the tension from our relationship caused us to end our friendship. The sad thing was that I never told her that I was in love with, even though I knew she cared for me too. I admire you for having enough courage to tell your friend how you feel. You will never regret that. I know I do. I think since you have given her the ultimatum that you need to move on. It will be easier for you if you completely end your friendship. That is what helped me heal and move on. It was hard. Maybe you and I should date:P?! I’m sure we’d have plenty to talk about.
Thanks for all the comments
Bria, I think your solution is the best, we should talk 
email me lostfrs@hotmail.com