Need advice On “Sexual” Girlfriend
Hi. My story may seem unusual to some, but I really need advice…
I am a lesbian but I choose to be celibate (due to personal reasons I’d rather not get into). However, I love being intimate with a woman (i.e., being close to one, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, spooning, etc). Anyway, I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 7 months now. When we were dating, I told her about my celibacy, and she was okay with it. She said that she could always have sex with herself (lol). At first, everything was perfect. We were completely devoted to one another, we enjoyed each other’s company, and we were in love. But after a couple of months, I felt her slipping away. When I confronted her about it, she admitted that it was difficult not to have sex with someone she loves. I really felt guilty after that. Even though she’s not the type to pressure me into having sex, I know that she was hurting and making a huge sacrifice. I realize how selfish I was for not thinking about her needs at all. At the time, I thought about it carefully, and decided to let her go. I couldn’t satisfy her sexual needs and didn’t want to hold her back. It wasn’t fair to keep her with me knowing she had these feelings. We then had a huge fight about it. But the next day, she came to me and said she refuses to let me go… that we were right for each other, and that this shouldn’t break us apart because what we have is something special. She said that I should trust her because she would never cheat on me. It was terribly romantic, and I got lured back in. I felt even more in love with her, if that’s even possible. I wish the story ends here, but unfortunately real life doesn’t always end happily, ever after.
5 months into the relationship, we moved in together. I work night shifts at the hospital, and one night (rather, early morning), I saw her dozed off in front of the computer. I gently woke her and helped her into bed. Then I went back to shut down the computer, but when the screensaver deactivated, I saw an IM box… apparently, she was chatting with someone else. I couldn’t help myself so I read it. Needless to say, there was much more than flirting going on, and I was very upset. I was so upset that it took me awhile to realize that there was a pc camera staring at my face. I didn’t even know we had one. I slept in the couch but couldn’t sleep at all because all sort of thoughts were running through my head. How long has she been doing this? Did she know this other woman? Are they close? Is she planning on meeting up with her?
The next day (actually it was noon), she asked me why wasn’t I in bed. And I told her what I had found on the computer. The most aggravating thing was, she pretended that it wasn’t a big deal. I started getting angry and let loose my paranoia. She still wasn’t taking it seriously, and I suddenly started crying. She then held me tight, saying she was sorry. When things started to calm down a bit, we started talking. She said that what she does on the computer meant nothing, and it’s simply just an outlet for her rather than going out and doing something she might regret. I asked why she kept it a secret if it meant nothing? All she said was, “because it’s embarrassing.” Of course I had to ask about “her,” and she insisted that she was just some random girl she met in the chat room. Finally, I told her that if my being celibate is an issue, then she should just leave me. She said it isn’t, but I need to learn how to compromise to make “us” work. I jokingly asked her if she was suggesting having an open relationship. She said obviously not, but she wants me to think of her make-believe “cyber sessions” like watching porn.
I sort of agreed, since I don’t expect her to live a celibate lifestyle, but at the same time it doesn’t feel right to me. I know it’s just the Internet, but behind the screen is still a real person with feelings. What if it evolved into something else? Who knows… maybe it wasn’t just a random girl - they probably chatted before. Even now, it’s making me paranoid… and I don’t think this is healthy. What should I do?? Should I go along with this charade? Should I call it quits and find someone like myself (i.e. a celibate lesbian)? Should I see a sex therapist to work on my issues even though I’m satisfied with the way I am?? I honestly don’t know what to do anymore…
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I think, I think it’s better off for you to find someone like you. Sex is something once you have had it, you will keep wanting it. At least, it’s true to your partner’s case.
You two are living two completely different lifestyles. One of you has to make deal. She tried. It didn’t work so well. It made you paranoid. She’s lost your trust. You see the result. How about you? Are you willing to change yourself for this relationship? Are you willing to change your lifestyle for her? If not, how long are you going to stay celibate? One year? Two year? Or forever? Also think of it from her perspective.
Your case has nothing to do with selfish or not. It’s just that to keep your relationship alive, you have to sacrifice. But is it worth it to sacrifice to the level that you have to change your personal belief or that sort of things? Ask yourself, is it worth it? You have your answer and you should know what to do. You can be romantic, but you also have to be realistic. Be fair to yourself, and be fair to her too.
Good luck!
Hey!
You’re perfectly fine the way you are. I myself am in the same situation, however, my wife is the celibate one. I personally feel I should leave her but I love her too damn much to just get rid of her like an old shoe. All I have to say is, figure out what you want on your own. Don’t let your girl make you feel pressured (even tho there is no pressure). Find yourself hun!
I agree with both of the previous posts…but I need to add something. This is an issue now and will be for the rest of your relationship unless you both come up with a solution. You need to sit down and let each other know what you expect of the other. Both of you have feelings and both of you feel a certain way. YOu need to come to a happy medium…not sure how you are going to do it but if you want your relationship to continue you need to resolve this now! Good luck to both of you!
Regardless of how this relationship works out, I think that you should see a therapist to work on your ‘issues’, as you called them. Calling them issues implies that there is something that is just not completely right in your current emotional state. It’s fine to be satisfied with where you’re at now, but wouldn’t it be nice to get to a place where you’re happy? Where you can have a complete relationship without these ‘issues’ holding you back?
If I’m reading this wrong and the celibacy is more of a moral thing, then you definitely need to find someone else who is in a similar situation or who really can handle it.
As for the stuff your girlfriend is getting into on the computer, I think it’s perfectly fine. She shouldn’t have kept it from you but as long as she’s not creating a lasting relationship, finding a random person every now and then to satisfy her sexually (and virtually) is not a big deal. But if you’re still not okay with it, here’s a better solution. You do it. Since she’s clearly not having sex with this person through the computer, you can do everything for her that the other person is doing.
The bottom line is that you’re asking her to give up something pretty huge so you should be willing to compromise as well.
I agree with Donna completely.