Coming Out as a Posh Bisexual
I’m so glad I’ve found this forum.
I am a 22-year-old college senior caught up in exams and graduation rites and moving forward into the world; I have neither the time nor the energy for severe emotional upheaval. Nevertheless, it is now, when I really ought to be studying for honours, that I find myself unable to ignore any longer the seriousness of my attraction to women and, ultimately, notions of my bisexuality. On the surface, it all feels very natural; I am an intensely aesthetic creature, so I suppose it was only a matter of time before I realized how silly it was to limit my understanding of attraction to a particular gender. Beauty is beauty, after all, and I have always been inexorably drawn to people I find beautiful. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize how ill-equipped I am to puzzle through the larger implications of this discovery on my own.
Now that there are a bare two weeks until graduation, I’m finding I’ve missed the chance to engage with a supportive LGBT community in an intimate and liberal college setting. I’ve also been forced to admit to myself that I could have reached out sooner, but did not do so because I’m rather intimidated (and somewhat put off) by the out and proud queer students on campus. They are loud and angry individuals committed to loud, angry activism. During “Coming Out Week,” they cover the walkways with sexually explicit chalkings that attack straight lifestyles, and they seem to equate being “out” with being overtly sexual and writing protest poetry or vindictive newspaper columns. I wanted to attend meetings to gain more perspective on/support for my burgeoning identity, but, ironically, was afraid to do so on account of my physical and emotional differences.
To wit: I am highly invested in the cultivation of good looks and style (increasingly so, as time goes by) and believe that intellect should be accompanied by keen physical intelligence and fashion sense. I’m not much for politics or activism (I want to change the world, but I’ll do it through education, not protest) and am not in a position to come out to my conservative immigrant parents. I know I need support in hashing through my self-conceptions, but I’m afraid I’ll be marginalised or mocked by the queer community for not being blatantly queer. Similarly, I’m not ready for the term “bisexual” to colour my straight friends’ impressions of me. The only person who knows something of my current mental state is my best male friend who is himself bisexual and is convinced that his physical attraction to other guys is morally wrong. Although he does not judge me, he is trying to crush his own bisexuality by turning to Christianity, which he feels allows him to make up for his “deviance” through various forms of religious penitence. I am not at all religious, nor do I feel there is anything wrong with me, so his support, though much appreciated, considering how difficult it is for him to talk about these things, is not particularly helpful. In any case, I am too worried about his inner turmoil to burden him with my uncertainties.
I will be living more or less on my own this summer, in a large city with a gay neighbourhood. I’d like to go to a club or bar and interact with lesbian or bisexual women, but am at a total loss as to how I might approach such interactions. I don’t want to go alone (I’ve never even been to a straight club/bar), I look for all the world like a posh straight girl (am attracted to similarly posh straight-seeming girls), and I’m not a big social drinker. I’m considering coming out to an out and proud gay friend, but the friendship is relatively new and I don’t want him to feel used. What should I do? I know I could probably move successfully (if not necessarily happily) through life and love by restricting myself to relationships with men alone, but I don’t want to close off an entire half of myself simply because it seems convenient at the moment. In all honesty, what I need is experience; I need a chance to express myself and to explore, but I have no idea who to tell or where and how to start.
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Hey, I went to college in the USA, and know what you mean by some of the LGBT groups there - however, I would be very careful about drawing conclusions about people from first glance, particularly when you’re reaching out to the same community you seem to be rejecting. To be fair, you probably only saw a sample of the LGBT population when you saw the group chalking the campus. Not everyone in my college who were a part of the college group partook in the activist activities. There are plenty of hobo straight people out there (many of whom where on my campus), but just because I saw them around, I didn’t assume they were ALL like that. Similarly there may have been many cute girls/lipstick lesbians on your campus or people who attended the group that were actually really friendly and could have helped you out - so keep an open mind when you enter the world after college…
But now, you need to focus on exams, stop procrastinating and look forward to the great summer you will have exploring your sexuality without people who are not ok with it hanging around you. If you were anywhere in the vicinity of New York, DC or Boston then there are plenty of opportunities for you to interact with LGBT people in and around the city.
With regards to getting some experience, my advice would to look at your local LGBT community paper and attend some social events. Bars can be pretty dangerous if you go by yourself. In the Summer in the USA, there are lots of pride events - check out planetout.com. More importantly, while I think telling your parents can wait for another day, it is important to be around people who are OK with all of who you are, and not second guessing themselves or you. Make many friends - “posh” or not (you can date the lipstick lesbians but you will find some great friends if you don’t exclude people on appearances) - and have a good time.
You’re right, it would be incredibly easy to stick on the straight and narrow. Though that nagging bicuriousity would never cease, you would need not worry about obtaining everyone’s approval. I believe it’s imperative you get to the root of your bisexuality however. Since you have never been with another women, the attraction may simply be superficial, though you won’t know if you don’t try.
You certainly don’t need to join an in-your-face, pride-flag-waving group to explore yourself. Like CityWalker said, those people only represent a fraction of the LGBT community. You do need to find a way to immerse yourself in the gay culture. I realize you do not want to be seen as a user by your new gay friend. So why not simply accompany him to a gay bar or nightclub, stating that you’re a very open person who doesn’t limit herself?
Enjoy exploring and good luck on your exams.
Personally, I always feel like a minority in the ‘gay community’. In my experience, albeit somewhat limited, a lot of it isn’t as accepting as you would presume them to be. I feel like for a lot of people, especially those who are so entrenched in the ‘community’, their LGBTQ-ness is their identity. This is the word they would use to describe themselves. That’s fine for them, but for me and it seems like for you, it’s just one part of self. I think you’ll also find that a lot of people have fixed ideas as to what a lesbian is. She’s not bisexual, for one, and a lot of lesbians will see you as a traitor. Also, choosing between the femme/butch dichotomy is a prerequisite.
Now certainly these things aren’t universally true. I just bring it up to say that you might not fit in with the gay community as well as you’d like to. You should still try to make some friends, though, at the least because it makes dating easier. But if you feel like your orientation is just one facet of you and not your defining characteristic, you don’t need to define your social life and friendships around it. I’ve had much better luck making friends with the same type of people I’ve always been friends with, who are mostly straight, than trying to force friendships with people that I only share a non-straight orientation with. I think you’ll find that at our age, you’ll have no problem finding straight friends who take your bisexuality in stride. And probably more than a couple who’ve dabbled in it themselves.