A Great Mom
I have known I liked girls since like the eight grade. I have had boyfriends and girlfriends and hook up with people a lot. I am turning 16 very soon and right now I have an amazing girlfriend I met on my softball team. Now my mom… for the first fifteen years of my life I thought she couldn’t find anybody to marry and just decided to go to a sperm bank and have my brother and me. We live with another lady who I thought was just a good friend or something.
Then one day my mom saw cuts on my wrist and I had to tell her it was about my best friend, we were in a relationship when I met someone else and I didn’t want to hurt her so I thought hurting myself would somehow help (it didn’t). But I’ve got it all sorted out and I’m happy with my new girlfriend. But any way that was the first time my mom and I ever talked about me being gay.
Then she says “I wish you would have come to me cause I have been through this” and that was the first time we talked about my mom being gay. She had gone to a sperm donor with the lady we live with (with whom she is in a relationship). :-)
Now my issue: I asked if grandma knew about her and she just starts crying and said that the day she got pregnant with me, she told grandma and she turned it into the worst day of her life and they have had issues ever since. The subject of “who I like these days” always comes up with my grandma and her new husband when I go visit. Before I have just told them some random guy’s name. But the next time I see them (which is only twice a year) I’m actually going to have a girlfriend. I want to tell them the truth because I just got out of that stage of not lying but what is that going to happen with me and my grandma? I don’t want to have the same thing happen that happened to my mom so should I tell her?
(My grandpa and step grandma are cool and I have told them and even send them some pictures of my girlfriend and I.)
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Hi Chippy,
The thing that I’m kind of stunned about is that your mother and her partner seem to have decided to have you and your brother together, as a couple, and yet you haven’t been raised to think of them both as parents. That she is ‘the lady we live with’ and not your mother.
It sounds like you (with your relaxed attitude, girlfriends at a young age, eagerness to tell your grandmother etc) are more comfortable with your sexuality than your moms.
But on to the grandma issue. This is a difficult question to answer because, on the one hand, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your sexuality, and if they have a problem with it, it is because of their outdated and closed minded thinking. However, it sounds like they aren’t so gay friendly, so they might well have a problem dealing with it. This will be compounded by the attitude that so many older people have that you’re “too young to know”. Even though you know what you feel now, you would certainly be able to command more respect for your convictions at a slightly older age.
IF you came out to them now, I would have a huge amount of respect for you, but to be honest, if it were me, I’d wait a few years.
My main advice is this: There is someone you can get advice from who knows the situation a lot better than us lot. Your mom. This is another thing that she’s been through, and it sounds like she’s reaching out to support you through the difficult stuff in life (not shying away). She could help you with this decision because she has dealt with the same thing with the same people. Plus, talking to her about gay issues might help her relax about sharing her own relationship with you.
Yeah I find it really stunning that the lady you guys live with has been in a relationship with your mum, but you never knew what kind of a role she played. Did she ever take care of you or was she always in the background? I mean did she ever adopt a parneting role, or was it mostly your mum who did everything and was basically a ’single mum’ in a relationship? It just blows my mind because if you’re 16 now, that means they’ve been together for over 16 years and it wasn’t even mentioned or encouraged that the ‘other lady’ would also be your parent?
Anyway…. onto the grandma issue…. I say if it is likely to cause her a lot of pain then I might wait a few years. If she seems to have learned from the experience with your mum, then this might be her second opportunity to make the call. I guess telling a close family member you’re gay means you have to weigh up a lot of good and bad factors. Ultimately it’s your call.
cheers
hey,
so dena is my moms “partner” and she has always been there like she wasn’t in the background and has a lot of influence in my life, but what i think i just realized is that i have never really wanted to think of my mom like that. i don’t know this is really hard to explain but i think my mom and i are more similar than i want to admit. so i think thats why i never accepted them as together. and the really sad thing i am realizing is that its cause dena is a larger woman and i have always been more on the femi side so i think i might have been embarrassed to acknowledge them as together. and when i’m writing this i am seeing that i need to change. but i’ts just difficult cause that was even the issuse with my first girlfriend is that she bigger too and i really couldn’t get over it. whisch is really shallow and i am ralizing that i need to change.
Ahh don’t worry Chippy… this is what the board is about - to give you a different perspective that you can either accept, reject or develop. Even if you do have gay parents, I can imagine it is still hard to be gay and accept gayness if you have been brought up in a homophobic (or else heterocentric) society. It is probably a good thing that you and your mom are really similar so you can understand the things that she has had to go through in her life. In so doing, you will understand why you think and act certain ways … be happy for your positive features and change the things you think ought to be changed.
To be so self aware at 15 is a really good thing, and I am sure that you, your mom and Dena will be closer as a result.