Lesbian On The Inside

Dearest sweet pea,
Perhaps it would help you if you were to know why people are reacting the way they do? I am inclined to believe a few things. Though many of us here would agree that it is a vile way to behave, i think we also have our own prejudices that may lend to the really unwelcoming situation that you described. Most lesbians come into a queer bar seeking an environment that is unlike the one they have to inhabit daily. Such as hospitals, school, work, goverment jobs….so and on and so forth. So when they walk into the bar they want queer, queer, queer. it`s simply unfortunate for you that your definition of queer does not meet their own. it`s also very unfortunate for them as well because it impedes possible connections for both parties. So you`re a high femme to the max eh? Own it. Walk up to the girls at the bar that catches your attention. And if they call you out on what is obviously just an expression of style for you, then call them out on what is a awful kind of behavior–one that is childish, hurtful and very unbecoming of any person, especially a queer one no? Eventually you`ll begin to see a melding of ideas. Yours with theirs and theirs with yours. This is coming from someone who considers herself somewhere on the spectrum of feminine. I now find ways that help me be more identifiable to the lesbian community and also express my very own brand of femininity as I like it. I love my mini-skirts but sometimes I`ll tone down the make up. sometimes I rock the skirt with my converse. this may not be your thing but you`ll see what I mean. As you grow into this lesbian culture you`ll begin to find ways to give and take–and sometimes to outright demand. I`m not asking you to give up who you are, but to fall into a different kind of culture and let change you as you begin to change it as well. I hope this helps in the least.

Well Girl, let me tell you! I totally feel you. While I can’t comment as eloquently as the last person to respond, I can certainly understand where you are coming from. I too am young, 23, although I have been out for 4 years. But in those four years I dated a “femme” who was a lot like me. Now that we have broken up, I am back into the community. Unfortunately, I too am having the same problem. I like to wear skirts, I like hanging out with gay men and I will not buy a Jeep. While I don’t have a problem with anyone who doesn’t want to wear make-up, it doesn’t mean I won’t. I am professional, confident and and totally like push-up bras. I have adapted as the previous writer has suggested by trading in lipstick for chapstick and kept my nails short while adding a triangle rainbow to my keychain. But I have to admit I am a little disappointed that I am expected to comform to norm. Why aren’t the same women who struggle for acceptance in the straight community accepting the ones who choose to not be exactly as there are? Some do, mind you, I am not trying to stereotype everyone but I just wanted you to know, someone shares your pain. I certainly wouldn’t give up what you know you want just because other people don’t seem to recognize it. And like the previous comment recommends, if they can’t approach you, try approaching them. Either way just keep your head up and your lipstick on!

I love femme girls. I think you totally rock your high heels. A girl with nine miles of leg who knows how to show it is a beautiful thing. Well-applied make-up is an art that eludes and intrigues me. There is something extremely sexy about girls, femme or not, who own their look.

That said, personally, I probably wouldn’t approach you until I was sure you were indeed a lesbian. Hitting on girls whom you’re not sure if they’re straight or not is loaded with potential embarrassment.

If you don’t want to make the first approach, I’d suggest to be persistent. Keep going to the bar. It might take some time but eventually you’ll be recognized and embraced. =)

My main advice would be to not wait for someone to hit on you. Take the initiative! It sounds like you’re waiting for someone to come and talk to you. If women assume you’re straight, prove them wrong. Ask someone to dance, ask if you can buy her a drink, flirt, tell her you think she’s hot. Around where I am there are a lot of femme girls in bars along with butch girls and kind of in-the-middle girls… just own it and project confidence! It could be even that people are intimidated by you, even if you’re intimidated by them, just go for it. Don’t apologize for who you are. I had tons of trouble with this for a while because I’m kind of shy and also don’t scream lesbian, but in the end I just had to jump right in and hit on people myself.

If you’re uncomfortable making advances and you really want to telegraph “Hi I’m Gay” at a bar… you could dress up, lesbian style. Dress how you normally would but play with masculine and feminine. If you’re really femme you could try to accessorize with a cuff bracelet or a studded punk-ish belt with the mini, or a hat/tie, or adopt some of this season’s fashions that are more masculine-inspired (like waistcoats… I find fashion is really lesbian-inspired right now.) A friend of mine made a L-word inspired button that says “Gold Star” on it because girls were never hitting on her…
For no-fail results a white tank top works out clubbing; even if it seems low-key, it’s the universal dyke uniform.

Third, if you do your nails, keep them short. Long, fancily manicured nails set the gaydar to “straight” for me, even if everything else on the woman is screaming gay. Short of her wearing a rainbow flag or a triangle badge long pointy nails or acrylic nails always make me assume she’s straight.

Fourth… if you’re still having problems try lesbian dating sites or creating a profile on OurChart or something, or joining a gay group on Facebook/Myspace. You could meet someone in your area online, or maybe, someone in your area will recognize you from the internet.

Femme girls kick ass! I wish there were more femme girls like you at gay-bars! haha, keep rockin homegirl!

Hey Sweets…and I totally feel you…I’ve even been corrected by the way I speak. I was told by my first girlfriend’s friends that I was way too girly, and I that they thought this was some kind of phase…I personally like to talk to someone before judging them (and I don’t mean like a 5 min. conversation…I give people a chance)…so I was totally put off…almost enough to go back in the closet, because I figured I was always too girly to be a lesbian. I honestly wish that all lesbians would realize that as women we should stick together…because honestly we’ve come a long way…and we need to push forward together instead of against eachother…

All Women Are Beautiful is my MOTTO!!!

I loved this post and I was so relieved to know I wasn’t the only femme who was bothered by this!!!

Sweet Pea, You are so cute! I feel your pain and like one of the other girls said, I wish there were more people like you in my small little town. There are no gay bars here and its very hard to meet lesbians. I have been judged at times by the small lesbian community (actually a small group who consider themselves THE gay community in town) because I don’t seem to fit into what they perceive as lesbian. I love femme girls, I love women period, but there is something about a woman who looks, acts, and shows off her feminine side. I have overheard the lesbians here say I’m not gay enough, whatever the hell that means. I wear makeup but have short unruly hair and wear jeans; t-shirts or whatever. I don’t know if I’m femme or butch, I have a feeling somewhere in the middle but I don’t care, I’m not into labels. I think the other women here have some good advice or opinions so I won’t add to that. I will say, you hang in there, embrace who you are and soon others will too. Good luck and God bless.
Brit

Sweet pea,
I love the fact that you’re so girly. I wish that I could find someone like you in my area but it is hard. I have a hard time being taken seriously too. I am not quite as girly as you, but I am definately femme. I agree that you should call them out on treating you poorly. That is simply unacceptable. On the other hand, offer to buy them a drink. You never know what could happen next!

I LOVE femme girls!! They make me melt!

I’m attracted to femme women,i love them.Some think my girl friend is straight cause she’s very feminine.She’s alot like Jenny from the L word minus the craziness though,she is sexy,sweet,beautiful,witty and i love her.We’ve been together for seven years. You shouldn’t worry if you are girly.Personally i think it is wonderful cause you’re taking care of yourself and looking good is not a crime the last time i checked.You can check out this website (niki.kk5.org) to meet women.Peace!!!

how can someone say your not lesbian enough if your really femme? ugh! that just blows my mind! who cares what you look like, how you dress, or the way you carry yourself. if your gay then your gay! fuck all of those people! seriously! if i saw you walk into the bar, id probably be like damn! i call dibbs! haha! they are probably very intimidated by you. your probably this gorgeous women and they dont think they would ever have a chance with you. so this weekend your going out to the gay bar and your going to make the first move on the lucky lady. guarenteed the whole bar is going to be jealous you didnt pick them! good luck. and let us know how it went.

Hey Sweet…I love this post b/c I feel like some lesbians go through this all the time. I know I did. I’m not super femme, but not butch either. I am what the Hell I am, LOL. I go from stilettos in a skirt one day, then to chucks w/my loose jeans & my hat to the side then next minute. All I know girl, is if you OWN your look and you rock it like no other, the girls with be a’coming…

Don’t forget to put yourself out there though! Flirt with your eyes, call them over…it takes two!

Hi, I also am a femme lesbian and it is hard. I would love funk hair but it doesnt suit my style - I know what works for me and thats heels and long lashes. Just be proud of who you are. The scene is becoming more open minded and femme and its beautiful x x

I’m a femme too and like Jordan says, we all go through it at some point. Half the time i look completely out of place with my lesbian friends on the fashion and style level, but as with everything, fashion changes and i’m glad to say that the lesbian fraternity in Newcastle are slowly growing more girly too!!
Just go out, enjoy yourself…and most of all be YOURSELF!!