Completely Lost

Okay. I admit it. I am a lesbian. I am physically, mentally and spiritually attracted to women. I couldn’t begin to tell you when, where, how or why but I definitely love women! Having said that, I have so many things that I just don’t understand about how to actually live my life as a lesbian. You’d think it would be natural right? Just be myself? My sexuality shouldn’t define who I am as a person? Yeah yeah, I know but it’s really more complicated than that. First off, I’m in the military so there’s absolutely no option of being out. Although I think the “don’t ask- don’t tell” policy is absolutely ridiculous and discriminatory, it actually works for me right now since I am just now learning to be comfortable in my own skin. The problem is actually me. Vague? Yes, I know. It’s my personality, my physical appearance, my age, my job, my education level, and my ethnicity. See why I was vague??

Personality: I’m not shy but rather reserved. I have my outgoing moments but generally like to be alone. How in the world am I ever supposed to meet anyone if I’m always alone?? I try very hard to venture out into social situations so that I can feel more comfortable but even then I am so UNcomfortable that I’m sure it’s unattractive. Therefore insuring that I will never meet anyone…

Physically/Job: As I stated earlier, I’m in the military so I can’t exactly publicize my sexuality. On top of that, for some insane reason when I do meet other lesbians, they tell me that I “don’t look like a lesbian!” I know, I know, that statement is wrong for so many reasons but damn it, how is a lesbian supposed to look?!? Evidently, these “studs” think that “I’m too quiet and pretty to be an obvious lesbian”. Whatever the hell an “obvious lesbian” is… So let’s recap. I’m in the military so I can’t hit on anyone and even if someone wanted to hit on me, they wouldn’t because evidently I’m too difficult to spot! Sad. Sad. Sad.

Ethnicity/Age/Education: Well, this is also a sad situation. I’ll be 26 in May and I am currently finishing my masters in abnormal psychology. It’s an obsession of mine that I am happy to see end. I am also African American/Hawaiian/Puerto Rican. Why does this matter? Unbeknownst to me, it matters greatly! nfortunately, I have always been attracted to older women. There’s something about late 30’s, mid 40’s women that is just irresistibly sexy. Okay, okay. I digress! Back to the point: The problem is that I don’t know any older lesbians! Okay, so I do, but they’re not available and I get the feeling that they would be turned off by how young I am. On top of that, I actually look fairly young even though I’ve been constantly told that I’m way too serious and mature for my age. Where does my race come in? I’m generally attracted to black women but black women seem to constantly refer to my “mixed” heritage. It’s a pet peeve of mine and I’m not sure why it should matter how black, blue, or purple I am but evidently it does. Education wise, I enjoy the pursuit of knowledge. It’s my version of going to the gym. You’d think that someone would find this quality endearing but do they? NOPE! I’ve been told numerous times that I’m a nerd, I need to “act like a 25 yr old”, reading is for losers, and oh my favorite: “stop acting white because black people don’t do that type of stuff.” Yes people, ignorance is alive and kicking!!

So all in all, let’s spell this problem out in plain terms. In the words of all the people who contributed:

I’m a young, closeted, gun toting, camouflage wearing, tri-racial, book toting, white acting, older juice loving, inconspicuous lesbian!

What to do, what to do…

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