This Seems To Be A Common Question Around Here…
I can’t seem to stop thinking about this.
I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 16… and only one other guy right before that. I’ve never felt that “turned on” by guys I guess, I mean… I can, and have but not because they were a guy. I think it was because well, when I was younger I just felt like that’s what everyone does… goes out with guys. I’d find some guys cute here and there but actually being with them sexually… the sex part does nothing for me, and usually leaves me with some sort of feeling of guilt. Even now after being with my boyfriend of 9 years, I still feel that way after intercourse for some reason, I don’t really like it.
The first person I was ever with sexually was my best girlfriend when I was 15. Her sister called us lesbians all the time because she knew we did stuff (lol, by stuff I mean everything) but, I didn’t know wtf that even was back then…I didn’t think doing sexual things with a girl meant that at all… and I didn’t think it was different than anyone else would do. I never really thought about it. I was always looking at other girls but I figured that was normal etc.
Anyway, once I was 16 and had a best guy friend for a few years we ended up “dating” and having sex once. The sex itself didn’t turn me on, but doing things did. (I also stared at his giant poster of Eva Herzegovina a lot and thought she was hot while I would be in his room.) I mostly liked him because I felt like he really cared about me and was such a good and understanding and caring friend, lol. The dick did nothing for me though. I don’t look at male bodies and think they’re hot like I do with girls. In fact, the guys I have actually had sex with (2 total) are very feminine I guess, and wore eye makeup when I met them lol (amongst other feminine attributes, people thought I dated gay guys or something).
So, now I’ve been with this current guy since right after the first one, I was attracted to him because he wore eye liner and seemed to “get” me, we became really good friends. Once again, nothing to do with his body or anything, always feeling a weird guilty or shameful feeling after having actual sex, like it just wasn’t for me or something… kind of hard to explain really, I guess I always feel “used” afterward or something.. .even if I manage to get off (which is only from everything but actual sex, even though that can feel good sometimes.) So after a while of being with him, any sort of sexual feelings faded away fast and I found him touching me to feel annoying and empty.
I hadn’t been with other girls since the first time because we were just together… and I didn’t know *anyone* who could ever talk about thoughts about other girls with me. I always found the idea hot/intriguing and whatnot, though. I never told anyone about it because around me it’s just “wrong” and no one had ever talked about that, I still didn’t really know anything about lesbians except that people would say it was gross or wrong… but I still always looked at girls and felt like I was different because they just all seemed to love guys so much and I didn’t… I didn’t even start thinking about doing anything with guys or liking them until high school age… I just figured I was a “late bloomer” or something. I’d sit around at home and look at my dad’s playboys thinking how hot the girls were when I was younger too.
After all this time together with my “boyfriend” I still always think about girls & kept wishing I could have a girl friend… it seemed so much more romantic and fun to me. Unlike with a boyfriend, who now felt like a friend since about the second year… I tried to tell him I felt like that but it got brushed aside, and since we were comfortable together and got along well I’ve just stayed with him to not disrupt my life. I started talking to a girl I thought was hot and thinking about her sexually ALL the time, but that went nowhere because she turned out to be bi and wanting to include her boyfriend (which made me want to puke). So, after that, a year or so went by and I still felt the same emptiness and general dissatisfaction with my relationship and always thought about being with girls.
Finally, I recently met a girl in a similar situation to myself, and she’s so hot & when we hung out after talking and whatnot for about a year, we just were all over each other, and it was the hottest thing ever. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more turned on than when I was doing things to her or her to me… and afterwards I felt like the happiest person in the world… not like when I ever did things with guys… no guilt feeling… no feeling gross or used or anything… I just felt delighted with myself and totally happy about it.
Now (well, like for the past number of years) all I ever think about is girls… and wanting to be with a girl and have a relationship with a girl. Most guys just straight up disgust me at the thought of them touching me… or me touching them… I will not go down on a guy… I find it just really not fun or enjoyable. I love going down on a girl though and everything about doing things with girls. So… am I probably a lesbian? I recently told my “boyfriend” who I am in process of breaking up with after all these years that I think I might be gay but that I hadn’t had any time to explore myself or figure it out because we’ve just been together so long, and he said it seemed to explain a lot about our relationship… and he’s relieved that I don’t “hate” him, because he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy, and why I was always seeming depressed all the time for the past six years or so, or why I said I felt like we were friends and not in love… and why I always seem irritated that he’s touching me. It just doesn’t turn me on… Help me!
I’m not sure why I question it; I guess I can’t admit to myself if I am really a lesbian. I need to pick everything apart and find answers to it or something. I could say I was bisexual, but I feel like I’m not happy with that answer, lol. What does it sound like to you?
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Well I think you already know the answer to your question. I know that I have often wondered this question myself but I am actually attracted to my boyfriend, I just really really like girls too. But it doesn’t seem to be that way with you. If you were bi then you would like guys as well as girls. Which of course makes things really conflicting at times. But you sound like you are pretty clear about what you like and don’t like. I think that sex should always make you feel good and if you having sex with your boyfriend gives you this dirty, guilty feeling then it doesn’t sound like its something for you. Congratulations, you are a lesbian. That’s wonderful. I am jealous. I often really wish I could make up my freakin’ mind! But its not like that for me. What I do know is that when you start living your life by being true to yourself you are going to be much happier!
Thanks for the response.
I guess I do feel like I know the answer to my own question, lol…It’ll just take some time to settle into my own brain. I guess once you just avoid something for so long it’s hard to come to terms with. :S
You are SO GAY!
If you really need a test… think about never having to sleep with a guy again. Does it feel liberating?
All the answers are in your own post. You don’t enjoy sexual intimacy with your male partner. You hate giving blowjobs (straight women, bisexual women and gay dudes generally love this, as strange as it might seem.) On the other hand, you love going down on women and having sex with a woman feels natural and enjoyable to you, unlike having sex with a man, which you feel awful about afterwards. You are a lesbian!
Even your post covers about half an hour of textbook lesbian processing. (If you’re unfamiliar with the term, you yourself define it: “I need to pick everything apart and find answers to it or something.”)
If you really need further proof, rent Tomb Raider on DVD. If you can barely drag your attention away from Angelina’s gorgeously sculpted thighs in black spandex short-shorts to pay attention to the plot (”was there a clock or something?”), no doubt, you’re a lesbian. If you would also like to see more of Boy Tomb Raider, naked, you could be bisexual.
Well Jen,
after reading your story i feel i must put in my 2 cents!
I think that if you were in a relationship for so long there is some sort of attraction there. Many females (like myself) LOVE women. I love them nonstop! Sure the thought of a female body is wonderful…soft…sensual…just perfect. Noone can disagree that the female body is much better than the males.
but honestly, i believe you must have feelings for men to. Dont let a couple women experiances make you believe your lesbian. i think your probably bi-sexual. As for the depression and feeling gross after sex?? thats a little awkward. I think your not communicating to your lover in exactly what you want him to do. therefore….if you dont feel pleased afterwards your only other feeling is probably guilt or sickness. I think that you should look deep down inside you and really think about who you might be. Because like i said..every girl out there has NO PROBLEM getting with another female. Its natural. (hell, thats probably why almost every girl nowadays says the’re bisexual)
I think communication is key here. fulfill yourself sexually by communicating with him and see if that changes anything. You want him to go down? ask. You wanna be spanked?? ask. youll be surprised at what you can do by bein the forcefull one. plus its fun =)
i hope this helps….i just wouldnt come right out and say “i love women!” until your 100 percent sure.
Thanks for the responses
Ali- yours was funny lol.
Sexualgoddess- the thing is, It isn’t that I’m not satisfied, I mean, I can get off, but I think of other things (like girls lol) I mean, he’ll do whatever I want in bed so that’s no problem & we communicate well on all that stuff, but even if I manage to climax it isn’t because of who I’m with…it’s because I’m thinking of other things, and being touched at the same time and trying to make it happen. does that make sense?
Probably sounds really bad actually (imagining it’s a girl instead of the guy I’m with =S ) Well anyway, I guess I’m still thinking about it…I just know that when he touches me I feel annoyed/not turned on, and the thought of other guys makes me sick (lol) meanwhile, the though of girls sounds hot. I guess I feel somewhat ok because I know him well, so even though I don’t like the sex mentally, it’s doable physically because we’ve been together so long and I’m used to it. I guess I’ll be thinking some more on it for awhile. >_>
Hey Jen,
I do that too, imagining its a girl instead of a guy…. i’ve done that the entire time and just never really admitted it to myself. Rediculous isn’t it?
I’ve posted this before, but here’s my story:
I started dating again over a month ago with a guy that fits every single aspect of what I’ve been looking for in a character of a person…..and that’s when it hit me, the character is perfect…but he’s a man. It also scares the hell out of me. I’ve always known i had that bisexuality in me but always believed that its soo much cooler because you get to choose between both worlds, I stuck to the guys. Now I’ve realized that, after finding the perfect ‘character’, nothing is less true. It hurts because I thought I found everything I’ve been looking for, and then there that big empty gap. I’m coming to the realization that it is not a man I should have been looking for all this time, but a woman. And the more I realize that, the more i’m starting to feel better about myself. I’ve even started opening up to people about it after the 20 years of insecurity. As strange as it seemed to me, I’m not ashamed of it at all. THIS IS WHO I AM, and I can finally say that to myself out loud.
I have told my guy about it, and he’s very relaxed with it, helping me every step of the way to let me find out what I am most comfortable with and how (or with what) i want to continue. He doesn’t want to loost me, but also rather wants to see both of us happy. (that’s a tough one too, where do you find a person like that!)
Take your time for yourself, ask yourself questions and promptly answer them, honestly! Your first thought it usually the true one. Be free with yourself, and see where it takes you.