To Be Or Not To Be.. It’s Not A Question
Ok… I’m not sure if this is going to turn out as a question, or indeed I’ll just be writing a whole load of uninteresting information, but I’ll give it a go anyway…
Ever since I was about 16, I’ve always known that I’ve been attracted to women, but I was constantly telling myself that it wasn’t right and I always assumed it was a phase and that I’d “get over it”. I have no idea why, because homosexuality has always been an open subject at home, and my friends and family have never in known existence been in anyway homophobic… However, regardless of that, I reacted the way I did and it’s not a stage of my life that I’m particularly proud of.
I am now 19 and about to start university this coming October. I finished 6th form (high school) in 2007 and I’ve just spent the past year travelling. This may sound utterly pretentious, but I found myself, or rather I acknowledged and am now completely comfortable with the fact that I think (90%) I am gay.
I’ve told 4 of my closest friends (albeit twice in a rather intoxicated state) and I intend to tell other friends when the opportunity arises. However, I have one friend in particular (female) who I’m not 100% confident in telling. About 2 years ago I really liked her, and now, although I have no more emotions towards her, I would still find it really uncomfortable telling her. She is a very “girly girl” and for that reason (plus the fact that she comes from quite a sheltered home life) I’m worried about how she would react. I don’t want to lose our friendship, but I figure that if it is a friendship worth having, the fact that I’m gay shouldn’t pose any problems, (although you never know).
Another thing is that I’ve never actually been with a girl (hence the reason why I’m only 90% sure, I have quite a scientific mind and need evidence…). In fact the furthest is holding hands with friends. I’ve had boyfriends, and realized afterwards that really… boys aren’t my thing. I’m utterly petrified about having relationships with women and I feel as though I’m going through a second puberty, due to the fact that when there is a girl I like within a 5 meter proximity of me, I get jittery and can’t actually form sentences, which is truly bizarre because usually I just talk and talk. I think the only way to get over this, is to go outside my comfort zone, but due to the fact that I have no gay friends (bar one guy who is questioning his sexuality), I’m finding it hard to meet gay girls as I’m not the type of person who goes out clubbing on their own. I’ve concluded that the easiest way to sort this out is to join the LGBT social at university, which I plan to do… But at the same time I am so utterly impatient I think I might go stark raving made if I have to wait another 3 months.
I’m also about to go travelling round Europe for a month with the guy who is currently unsure about his sexuality, and he has assured me that we’re going out on the pull together, but at the same time I’m rather hesitant about picking up random strangers… Especially in a foreign country where I have no home… But we’ll see.
So I guess if there have to be any questions… they would be: Am I going about this the right way?
Can you give me any suggestions about what to do?
And any comment you want to leave… I will appreciate greatly.
Thanks
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Hey, you’re doing fine! I agree, the best way to meet queer folks is joining an LGBT club. In fact, I met my first gf in a similar setting (feminist club). Prior to going out with her, I’ve only been with boys. Also, I share the same philosophy you do, in that I needed “proof” (i.e. sleep with a girl) that I am gay. Others may not feel the same way, but I believe it is different for everybody.
As for having your first potential sexual encounter with a stranger, whether in a foreign country or not, yeah, I’d be cautious about it. Even though lesbian sex supposedly has the lowest occurrence of STDs, I’d still practice safe sex.
Don’t worry about what your conservative friend may think of you if you decided to come out. My best friend is very traditional (her sister is in the convent), but didn’t have a problem when I came out to her. She is very supportive. Besides, in this day and age, where homosexuality is highly visible esp. in the media, I’m sure most people are not that ignorant or narrow minded anymore. Then again, could be wishful thinking lol! Anyway, I wish you the best and good luck!
I think this second puberty is one of the most exciting and scary things we gay people pass through. Nobody showed us how to be gay and how to relate with others. Being heterosexual you more or less know how to relate with guys and which are their expectations. But being gay? It’s hard, we learn by trial and mistake.
My advice is act as I am sure you have done it in your trips: enjoying the view! Take it easy, let things happen. I am sure sooner or later you will meet a beautiful girl that will be your confirmation to what you already know: that you are a wonderful gay woman. Make it memorable!
Oh hon, just be happy you’ve figured it out while you’re still young! I didn’t figure that out until I was in my 30’s, married, kids (ok, teens). Imagine what kind of turmoil that can throw a person into! Don’t jump into anything just to “try it” but when it’s right, go ahead and do it. It’s been really tough for me because I’m very girlie and grew up in a very sheltered family (hey, does that sound like the friend you’re afraid to come out to? Maybe she won’t be shocked at all??) but I repressed it for sooooo many years. Now I’m so scared to actually approach anyone and heaven forbid if I did, I’d be a nervous wreck if it ever came to anything physical! lol. Good luck!
ok so you say you think your 90% gay…. well hun if you can admit that your at least 90% then you are gay and i strongly suggest you going out to find others in that area thats the only true way you will understand things better and be thankful you have someone going threw this with you which as being a gay man its usually alot harder for them to come out or understand it then women… I am 22 years old and I have experienced alot… been in 2 2year relationship a 6 month a couple bullshit one and now I am working on one that i have been in for 7 months already it never gets easyer and you will get your heart broken women are no differnt then men but all of that you will have to learn your on your own… oh and when you go on your trip you don’t really need to have sex with anyone just find a cute girl to play with make out hold hands see if you dig it and then maybe if you feel comfortable with it go for it… i am sorry you don’t know any other true gay ppl I just moved to wisconsin and I don’t know anyone or where to go so I know how you feel just take things easy and one step at a time and it will all come to to you slowly… but don’t hold yourself back you never know till you try…and if you sit back in fear of everything you won’t break that shell and open yourself to a whole new world… well take care and i hope i helped at least a little
Hey,
I am in exactly the same boat. I’m only partially out to my 2 best friends, but I’m still not quite 100% sure. I think you are very brave for admitting this to yourself and being proactive about sharing it with the world. Unfortunately my family is not quite as open to the idea of homosexuality as your’s seems to be, but I am not going to let that stop me from being who I am and being happy. Good luck on your trip, just remember: BE SAFE! And have fun!
xoxo
L.