So I guess I should start with the fact that I’m eighteen and have not dated in a very long time. Not for lack of offers, just a bad past. Then about a year ago I met this girl. I noticed her right away. I knew she was a lesbian, and she kinda saw through my hetero facade and would flirt all the time. I was so attracted to her; she gave me butterflies, made me act stupid and giddy. But I ruined it because I had never considered dating women. I wasn’t sure that I could.

Then a few months back I met this guy. He is much older, unconventional, brilliant and I convinced myself that I was attracted to him. I enjoyed the conversation and his company. Soon after we became intimate. He was my first. But I never felt a thing. Not his kiss not his touch. Nothing. I felt no amount of pleasure. So I thought maybe it was just him, maybe there wasn’t enough emotion, maybe he wasn’t good. So one night I was intimate with a very good friend (who is supposed to be a sex god) and still nothing. Then recently after a few months of seeing Older Man and realizing I could be with women I was at his place and we were in the act and I started to cry. I continued as if nothing though. When it was over we were talking and I jumped up and started dressing and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t understand what I meant. So I very emotionally explained I prefer women and he surprised me. He was so kind and understanding. He gave me advice and is willing to remain friends and be there for me.

But my confusion is I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I’m not sure if I’m fully lesbian or bi. The only real emotion I ever felt for anyone was that girl a year ago. In my head the idea of being with a man is attractive but in the act it is lackluster, I feel nothing. I don’t enjoy it. It leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled. But it’s hard because in my head I am attracted to women, I check them out more often then men, but I have never been with a woman so I have no basis for comparison.

What if I don’t enjoy being with women either? I have always looked at women, I have watched lesbian porn, had school girl crushes on girls. But I’m so unsure. It’s hard, some feedback and opinions on the situation would be great. Or even some personal stories that can relate.

My girl thinks I’m bi because of the way I look and then because I use to be bi a little while ago. She feels as if I can’t grow out of it. But I honestly don’t like guys. Everybody enjoys a nice looking person so if I see a nice looking guy I well look. But it’s the same as looking at beautiful girl. Right? But I really don’t look at people like that because I am in a relationship. It’s just the way I am… Just because I say a certain guy is cute doesn’t mean I’m bi, right?

Hello everyone,

This might be a long one…

I am turning 22 this year, and am just scared sh*tless about realizing that I am not… well, heterosexual. I guess I’ve sorta always known at some suppressed level that I am more attracted to girls. Since I was little, I’ve never really taken any interest in guys… then i grew up and got a little interested. Still, I’ve never had a relationship with anyone (there were occasional the childish primary/secondary boyfriend who wasn’t really a boyfriend at all)…guess I’ve just never found someone I’ve liked enough…I have hooked up with guys in the past and it has been ok… nothing out of the ordinary. I do find some guys attractive, but I find myself checking out more girls than I do guys. So at this point, I’m still trying to figure out whether or not I am bi or a lesbian. I know labels don’t really matter, but it would come in handy when I come out to family and friends, for me to know who I am.

This then leads to my next issue… coming out. Last year, I came out to my best friend who is like a sister from another mother. She was totally cool and supportive about it, but we don’t talk about it because I told her that I’m not really ready. Since then, I have told two other close mates. Both were supportive. This year, I’ve decided to come out to my brother, and possibly my parents. I am really close to my brother, and am hoping and praying that he will be able to accept me, although I know that he can get quite homophobic when it comes to gay guys. Just the way we have been brought up. I love my parents, and am afraid of what will happen. I have asked my parents what would happen if they found out my brother was gay (just to see their reaction)…and their answer was that he is their son, and they would love him still. In saying that however, I have on countless occasions heard my father make homophobic comments like “s/he should be embarrassed/ashamed”, “its a pity s/he is gay/les” or when he found out that a good mate of mine is gay, my father asked me how he could be so proud and open about it- like it was something one should hide. I am afraid of losing them. I am afraid & confused. I don’t have a girlfriend or any interests at the moment and am wondering if I should come out now, or wait till I’m in a relationship? Or if I should wait till I’m more certain?
HELP!

I hope I make sense. Thanks for hearing me out.

Hi Gals!

Just passing on the information:
Dominique Bourque, professor at University of Ottawa (Canada) is currently doing a research on the perception of young french-speaking lesbian or bisexual women (18-30) towards sexuality and lesbianism.

Dominique Bourque, professeure à l’Université d’Ottawa, réalise une étude sur la perception qu’ont les jeunes femmes lesbiennes ou bisexuelles francophones (18-30 ans) sur la sexualité et le lesbianisme.

Je vous invite à répondre à ce questionnaire en ligne :
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=2NkO_2fG9YmTo8fXwWMcFnnQ_3d_3d

Site sécurisé, anonymat assuré.

My question is about what it means to be a lesbian, how one knows she is a lesbian, and develops an identity as a lesbian with a significant, often positive history with many men. I also want to understand the power of creating a closet – Can people really think they’re into the opposite sex for a long time and not know they are gay?

I grew up in a liberal, “accepting” environment, am very social justice-minded, and always felt I knew myself well.

I have known I wasn’t straight since I was 14. I identified as bisexual and was open about that with friends and men I dated. My primary parent had a negative reaction to this. I had a really intense relationship with a female in high school. It felt wrong and right. Our first kiss was the most powerful, overwhelming experience that made everything in my head go crazy and make sense all at once. After her I basically only dated men, aside from a few flings with women over the years. I had two very serious relationships with men. I left both, they were heartbroken, I was relieved. Both are wonderful, kind, smart men. I though I loved them, I spent much time thinking about marriage kids, planning our lives together. Now I don’t know if I have ever been in love. I think I wanted marriage/kid/sensitive husband/heterosexual icons so badly, and because of a challenging background I think I really relied on and needed their love for and support of me.

I have had very sexual relationships with men, and I think I enjoyed sex with them… though in my last relationship I certainly used to want it to end quickly and eventually felt very not into it. Maybe that has always happened after the first couple of months with a man. Now the idea of having sex with a man seems pretty gross… but I know there have been times in the past when I probably wanted it. I don’t know how to make sense of that.

I’m in my 20s, and after leaving the last boyfriend, I started reading through my journals, reflecting, acknowledging my feelings for a friend and realizing I think I may be a lesbian. I fell into an intense, challenging, and passionate relationship with the friend. We split eventually, but I am right now only dating women though I am theoretically open to a guy… just not interested.

The main question to me now is if I am I gay? Or am I bisexual? I haven’t been attracted to men in a while, certainly since I more publicly came out to my community, family and friends as “queer.” But every now and then I feel some vague draw to a guy, though it usually ends quickly. I am definitely more physically attracted to women. But I am very drawn to hetero images still…

Other questions: Why does it matter to me to identify one way or the other? Am I turning to questioning my sexual orientation just because my experiences with men have been so unfulfilling and I have felt so misunderstood – what if those were simply the wrong men? Are there other women who have grown up in liberal, “accepting” environments, are strong, social justice-minded, feel like they know themselves, yet have still felt tremendous, overwhelming pressure to be in the closet to the point where they almost didn’t know they are gay? Can you be a “transitional bisexual” for years? I feel I have a strange story of being out at a very young age (openly in a relationship with a girl at least in high school), then going back into the closet basically during my early 20s for a few years, and then re-coming out. Really seeking insight, feeling very lost about this.

I’ll admit, I’m nervous about writing this but I’m so sick and tired of having this suffocating me.

A couple of years ago I was seriously sexually assaulted by a man, who kept me for over four hours before giving me to his friend, who chucked me out in the middle of the night and left me to wander around alone, affected by drugs I’d been given and injured by falling and being beaten [severe bruising, cuts, busted lip, cracked shoulder blade, broken wrist…] It was the most horrific experience and whilst the first man was charged and convicted for what he did [turns out, I'm one of seven other young women] it’s still something that wakes me up at night.

Anyway… the reason I’m writing here is because I’m trying to move on, and I’m confused, to say the least. Sexuality is such a pivotal part of life, regardless of how you choose [or choose not] to express it. We not only need it, we’re surrounded by it.

I’ll get to the point… sorry if this is so long, I’ll try to hurry it up, I’m sure you get so many emails… maybe this was a bad idea :\

The thing is, when I was younger I’d noticed that I’d always been a bit inclined ‘that way’ towards women… but since I didn’t really feel like I’d had enough ‘definitive’ sexual experiences [okay, I'll just say it- I'm still seventeen!] I didn’t really feel like I could ‘label’ myself, as such. Not that you have to, ever- but I think the idea sort of frightened me, for all the usual reasons [conservative family, peers, feeling like a minority, the 'values' I was brought up with...] so I suppose I just wanted some sort of sign or validation, particularly at such an important age period of character development.

After a recent break-up with a total jerk of a guy, I find myself wondering again… what do I want?

The assault has definitely impacted upon the way I relate to men and I’m terrified that I might be just be telling myself that I’m a lesbian to escape the fact that practically every man I’ve known has in some way ruined my life.

Please help me.

Okay I’m REALLY confused and I have been thinking about this question for months, constantly, and I’m still stuck in the same spot!! I’m just hoping to get some good advice that can help me clear out my thoughts about this, because it’s all I am thinking about and it’s depressing me.

Okay here’s my story, I’m not really good at explaining, so bear with me! I’m 21… The main thing that has made me think about this is my closest best girlfriend. I sometimes think I might love her, I don’t know if it’s love love or just I’m so close to her that I feel like this. I got upset when she had a boyfriend, like jealous I guess. SO I’m thinking, wow wtf, AM I gay? And it made me happy when she was single. I have wanted to kiss her before too… Now the other side here is, I do not find women attractive, and I have never looked at a woman like that. (In general) I just couldn’t picture myself with a woman, I don’t know why. I can look at guys and think they are attractive though.

Here is another example. I had a few boyfriends in the past, and I didn’t like it when they kissed me, felt gross. Haha. Then, I just broke up with them because I just didn’t feel any emotional attraction to them. BUT there was ONE guy, who I think I REALLY liked, and I did like it when he kissed me, and I did get jealous when he had a girlfriend, and when I saw them kissing it REALLY hurt me.

What do you guys honestly think?

Sorry, for my bad English, but I really wanted to tell my story.

I was a straight girl until I fell in love with a stranger. Yes, and it happened to be a girl. I guess I’m still in love… So I categorize myself as bi-curious or bi.

Okay, here’s my story. It was about half a year ago. Me and my friends went out to this cafe/bar and had some talk and drinks. It was fun. Before it got late and I got a little bit drunk I saw her: a really beautiful girl who was sitting near me. No, not next to me, but yeah, really near, so I could hear her talk with her girlfriend, who was sitting next to her. Minutes later one of their friends, who was a boy, joined them. I didn’t listen what they were talking about, I just peeked at her, because she was so stunning! And suddenly, the same boy upended and said to them as a joke: “Okay bi’s and lesbos, I’m going to go now” and went away. In my mind I was like: “Okay, whatever” (I was dismissive). Weird thing is that I felt nothing. I mean, I just noticed her and that was it. She didn’t make me feel somehow or something. I just peeked at her and found her beautiful. I think I just didn’t know then, that I was impressed by her. Okay, so the night was full of fun and I’m sure she noticed me too, (that I was sitting there), but yeah, that was it. I didn’t get to know her or something, no.

I’ve been having on/off sex with females for over 15 years but I am married. I don’t do them and don’t have the desire to, but I let them do me. I don’t lust over women and I don’t intentionally try to get with them or anything it just happens. I also enjoy the sex. I’m called a pillow princess by them…  My question is: am I bisexual or just freaky?

Hi everyone,

I recently posted a little episode that occured called ”Hopeless” and another episode happened and I’m really confused. I think you will probably have to read ”Hopeless” to fully understand what’s going on, this is kind of a continuation.

So Karen (who is 27 yrs old) and I got really drunk again, more so than the last time, but I don’t understand her. The day before this happened, my mom and Karen’s boyfriend (John, who is 40 now) and Karen were taking shots, but Karen didn’t drink, she took care of my mom who got really drunk. The next day when Karen and I got drunk (she got drunk before me) she started telling me, “Yeah, I didn’t drink yesterday, they (my mom and John) are boring! You’re my drinking buddy!! We’re girlfriends, we make out. We dance dirty for the guys.” I was like, “okay”,  I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to reveal myself. Finally I got really drunk and she wanted to dance again, but she could barely stand up, I was holding her. She kind of started falling and I was holding her, but then she would start crying, saying, “Where’s John? I love John!”, and I would get mad and tell her, “who cares”, but then I helped her and told her, “I care about you, John is right here, he loves you”. I gave her a little kiss on the lips, very brief, but I fell asleep after that.

Next thing I know, I wake up in their room again  (still drunk) and tell them (Karen and John) that I think that I might be bisexual. They are both still drunk too, especially Karen. They’re like, “oh, okay” and John started telling Karen, “Gaby loves you, Karen”. They kind of got the idea that I liked her. I would try to touch her but she would push me away. John didn’t really care. Karen tells me, “You’re not gay” and I tell her, “You want me to prove it?”, and she says, “No, no (laughing).” We kind of start talking about it, not very seriously, but they were mostly okay with it. Karen tells me that I’m straight and that I’m just confused. But I know that’s not true. While I’m coming on to Karen, she tells me that she’s not gay, but I find it hard to believe that. I ask her, “Then why do you get me drunk and dance dirty with me and talk about making out?” But she doesn’t answer. It seems like she’s only saying it because John is there, but when he isn’t, she doesn’t really refuse when I give her a little peck on the lips.

I wake up 5 hours later in my room on the bed with a massive hangover, so ashamed of what I had said to them about my sexuality. Not to mention that that hangover day was Christmas Eve, and I was really messed up. I slept for a little more, took a shower and got over it.

What I don’t understand is, what is she doing? She doesn’t get drunk unless I’m there with her, she talks about making out and dancing, but she’s like, “I love John”. Then why does she want me to get drunk with her? They are really nice people and don’t mention this later, it’s like it didn’t happen, even though it’s kind of weird with me and her. Is she just trying to have fun? I’m really confused. Maybe she’s experimenting… I don’t know, but I just can’t understand her, the only way I will ever do anything with her is if I’m drunk. I don’t know what to do.

Any advice?

Hi all,

I am in my late 20’s and just accepted that I am a bisexual. It took a while, a lot of self-analysis to convince myself that I am one. When I was in grade 4 I had a crush on a girl though. I thought it was just an infatuation that most girls experience in their life. But as time passed by I found myself having real crushes on boys and girls and later on in my high school days I wished to experience having a relationship with girls but all of those where just wishes. And also, sometimes I dreamed of having an affair with a woman and those dreams really turned me on so much that I really wanted to experience having one.

I came from a conservative culture and upbringing. I am not a girly girl, neither what you call a “butch” (I am not really familiar with those terms in lesbian/gay lingo), I am in between or what they call “boyish” in ways but I sometimes like wearing lipstick and wearing dresses. When I entered university, unexpectedly a girl took notice of me; we were classmates in one of our elective classes. She approached me; asking my schedule but I was so naive that I did not even put malice on it actually. I am also friendly towards everybody. Sometimes I went to her classroom and then we’d talk with her other friends. Then one day she came to my classroom and gave me a letter. It wasn’t really a letter but lyrics to the song “the search is over”. When I read it I felt strange. I recall that my throat dried up a bit cold… I didn’t know that feeling. Later on I learned that one of her friends was her girlfriend (by the way that friend was a “real” lesbian) so I tried to ignore it again. Then during our school fair, she asked me where I lived and she wanted to visit me. As usual, I was shocked and never thought that she would actually do it… but there she was!

How would you feel? Oohh.. many things played on my mind but I was able to clear all things to her, I think I was not ready and I also knew that she had a girlfriend. After that incident, we did not see each other again. But I’m always asking myself: what if?

Then, I graduated and landed a job as an instructor in one of the colleges… one day this student gave me some chocolates so, as my usual reaction… no malice… but after that she was getting comfortable with me among other students, she would ring up our faculty or sometimes she brought lunches… but still I didn’t put malice because I still saw it as normal among friends (or trying to be friends).

Then one day she invited us (with the others in my faculty) to her house with all the food and beers, I got a little bit drunk and I felt so dizzy that she offered me to go rest in her bedroom. When I woke up, my companions had already left and then she started teasing me to kiss her… I don’t know why but I gave in… I kissed her (the first time I ever kissed a girl), until I told her that I should leave. Then she cried and asked me what our “status” was. I was surprised because a girl was asking me about our “status”. This was new to me. But from that moment on, our relationship lasted for 4 years. We never talked to anyone about it though, I think people thought we just became best friends. But looking back now, I know in some way others noticed our special friendship. But still, I can’t accept to myself that I am a lesbian because I still like boys. But with her, I experienced a lot of things and experimented with a lot of things because it was the first time for both of us. Since then, I haven’t had any relationships with girls and I am not sure if I’ll have another one.

So, these are my questions: Does it mean that she is also bisexual? Do girls (those who do not know that they’re bisexual until they’re attracted to women) sometimes make the first move? I just really can’t help thinking that I am not “out” to anyone but still someone will take notice and that surprises me. Does “gaydar” really exist? (I heard this term when I was watching one of the episodes of The L Word.)

Thank you!

Resty

Okay, so I’m the typical lesbian who has felt that something was just “different” since the beginning of time. I would get nervous around beautiful women, not be able to talk to them, ya know, just hide behind Mommy or Daddy. I never had crushes on the teenage heartthrobs that all my girl friends would swoon over. When everyone would say “So-and-So from the Backstreet boys was soooo hot!!” I would just kinda play along and agree but really be completely indifferent to the subject. Instead, I found myself having feelings for such celebs as Sandra Bullock, Helen Hunt and that one girl with the long, dark hair from ‘Step by Step’. For me it just always seemed to be a woman. But that’s the funny thing, it was always a woman, never a girl my own age. I didn’t have my first girl school crush until I was 16 and in 11th grade. I never thought of those girls in that way. And so here’s the other funny bit: I’ve had crushes on a fews boys my own age since the age of 9.

I fell for Hunter the first day I saw him in 8th grade English class but that little crush was nothing compared to how I would feel about him later during our last two years of high school together. I took those few crushes and squeezed both consciously and subconsciously every drop of heterosexuality from them in order to form the lie that I was perfectly straight. And no one ever suspected anything of me because I, supposedly, “look” straight. But, last year when I moved out of my parents’ house and went off to college, that wonderful little lie that I had concocted began to deteriorate, and subsequently take it’s toll on my sanity. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I outed as bisexual the break after my first semester of college. I told most everybody I knew, including my wonderfully supportive parents. It felt good. Really good. But still, I felt more like a lesbian to be honest, and saying I was bisexual felt kind of like a lie. I was confused; I am confused. Why am I basically attracted to women, but every once and a while I seriously fall for a guy who sets those wonderful little butterflies in my stomach loose every time I see him? Why am I in love with Kate Walsh and my male drama teacher right now? Why does he make me want to get out my Martha Stuart Bridal Catalogue and start planning our wedding on the beach in Maui?