Hi there!

So here are a few details I should state before hand, unfortunately only a selective few of my friends know my sexual orientation (steady bisexual), so I am unable to express to them my problems. Second the only girls, I’ve really “dated” or had a serious connection with were online. I’ve had crushes and the rare times when I fall in love.

But my true issue right now is: I hate my girlfriend. We’ve been together for maybe a year and a half on and off. I’ve tried ending things with her, but she always sounds so miserable, and in pain… I just can’t bear watching someone be so hurt. So I usually take her back. It’s not that she isn’t a wonderful girl, she’s sweet, easy tempered, and she does love me. And I love her… But I’m not -in- love with her.

I’m at the breaking point, I have no feelings for her at all anymore but she’s still crazy about me… How can I let her off easy? How do I tell her, I don’t love her like that anymore??

Any help would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks <3

Ciao Bella’s.

I have been sleeping with my former housemate (we started sleeping together when we lived together), for about 4 months. She had just broken up with her girlfriend and so things were casual. She went on holidays and came back and things were different. She went from wanting to be around me and affectionate, to what is it now, which is not calling me and when we hang out she does not stay long and goes home. Last week she rang me because she was upset. She was upset about a friend of hers and also about how well her ex is going since they broke up. I felt happy to be there for her as a friend but also I want to be with her. She is a very complicated person, not emotional at all and very practical. She feels emotions that don’t help anything and just get in the way. Which is the complete opposite to me.

I really want to be with her, but she is not ready and does not want to be in a relationship, which I totally understand. But I feel (know) she will never want to be in a relationship with me. This is not a good position for me to be in, as I am a romantic and have fallen head over heels for her. I was wondering whether it is productive for me to cut ties with her and move on. As hearing about her doing all this stuff and never inviting me along makes me upset, and the fact I always ring her. It hurts for me to even think about it, but the other seems a lot harder.

Has anyone got any suggestions or stories to ease my pain?

My girlfriend and I had been living together for 3 1/2 years and together for almost 5. We adore each other, we’re best friends, the whole bit. This past year there have been some problems. She started losing weight and focusing on her eating, to an unhealthy extent in my opinion. And I went through some intense medical stuff. In the summer she told me she wanted to move out, that her feelings for me hadn’t changed but that we needed space. She’s too insecure, doesn’t love herself, etc. I agreed (we share a studio) and we both said we wanted to date.

When she moved out, she claimed that she didn’t know who she was and that her identity was too wrapped up in me and in our relationship. She claimed that she compares herself to me constantly and that her sex drive was relatively non-existent, and she wasn’t ready to date yet. Sidenote: she had never been with a woman before me, and she identifies as bisexual.

Recently, I was most unfortunately “matched” with her on a dating website (ugh barf) and her profile was very sexually explicit. I was shocked. I confronted her on it, and she claims that our gay male friends pushed her into it (i.e. get back out there, girl!) and wrote most of it. She said she could see us back together again, but doesn’t know when.

My question is, am I a sucker?

Perhaps she just wants to sow her wild oats a bit, which I get, but I feel like I’ve been dragged on this emotional rollercoaster and don’t know what to believe.

I’ll keep this anonymous since I am distraught of how I’m dealing with all of this so far.

I’m 21, have never had any connection with any female before, I am one myself. I had a long horrible relationship with a guy when I was 18. It lasted 1.5 years; I was so called “In love”.  After him I could not built up a connection with any one else. I tried dating a few times, ended up having guys fall for me and me just breaking their hearts, felt horrible so I stopped dating all together. I would go to the gym, work and go to school, focus on friends, and just say I want to be single.  I met a girl, not girly, very athletic, short hair etc, but didn’t feel connection towards her at first. My group of friends and I all became friends with her, but I became the closest. She was going through a hard time since her ex left her for some other girl.

This however is where it gets complicated.

The more time I spent with her, the more I started feeling a strong connection with her, but not sexual at first, just like a crush which I couldn’t do anything about. She knew I was into guys. Also knew I was an emotional handicap and couldn’t connect with any guy. We would watch movies together at her place; go out for dinners, etc. Normal things, however one day while she was driving, I was in the passenger seat I noticed that I was starting to have feelings towards her.  To the one person who I thought I could never be with.

She knew what was going on, and was starting to have feelings towards me as well.

One night we cuddled. She would lie next to me and she could feel my heart racing. Texted me at night if I was ok. I said yes. She asked I won’t do anything you won’t want me to. I said “Don’t kiss me”

Next day I went by her house, We cuddled, I faced towards her as she scratched my back, and I wasn’t going to kiss her first, I was so confused, but SO into her, feeling her body next to mine, her breath.

She went in to kiss me; I pulled away, waited a second, and went on top of her to continue kissing her.

That was how “we” started. None of my friends knew, only one knows currently what happened between herself and me. We dated for 3 months, however it was a deep relationship, I would sleep there, we’d make love, I had the key to her place, never have ever felt love like this before. Every single time she kissed me, said she loves me, held me, it was the best time in my life. She had one problem, crazy jealousy issues.

Now.

We had a few serious fights, and every time she knew she was hurting me, because I was at school or at work or with friends she would think I am out meeting guys. Not the case at all since I was 110 % into her. One night I went out with my best friend, who was her friend as well, and knew nothing about her and me. She was texting her just to see what’s up, and my friend being happy was saying “Ah we didn’t get lucky yet etc” as jokes, since she knew I didn’t even sleep with anyone for those 2 years that I was single. Caused a huge fight, I was fed up< she said it was over and so did I.

We met up once afterwards, as always tears were shed, but I couldn’t take the emotional abuse, and she knew she had those jealousy issues. We texted each other a few more times after that, how we love each other soul mates etc.

A week later I told her “I miss you” – she said she doesn’t feel the same. She is 4 years older then me btw.

So now. 2 months after the relationship, I am still so in love with her, see her at the gym, can’t take my eyes of her, and dream about her every night…

I am even beginning to think I might be gay, just because I am so stuck up on this girl…

So now I ask, how to either get over this, (I am already quitting the gym) (tried dating again after her, broke another guys heart because it didn’t click) or how to regain that love back…

Or am I just gay, bi, straight, or just met my soul mate in a girl

Thanks.

Hi, my name is Tilly. I’m 15 turning 16. I’m a lesbian, and I have a girlfriend named Chevonne. She’s 17 turning 18. We have been together for about 4 months straight, and have been breaking up way too much because of the drama we get ourselves into at our boarding school. I really love her, and I already tried the marriage thing and the adoption thing. But it seems like that’s not going to work out. We have sex just about every weekend in my dorm room. I just had to let someone know. I really love her, and she loves me. But she’s graduating in May and I don’t know if I’d be able to let her go…

Well that’s all I want to say for know…

Tilly

How do you move on after breaking up? I understand that it needed to end, but I can’t seem to get my head out of the relationship. (Obviously, I’m not ready to start dating again.) Or is there anything to say other than “put one foot in front of the other” and hope that, eventually, things won’t be as hard?

I’m sixteen years old; I grew up in an ultra conservative household, so it wasn’t until about two years ago that I finally allowed myself to admit that I might like girls. Of course, that eventually meant I came out. My first girlfriend and I dated for three months. She began as my best friend, we dated, etc. But then, after those three months, she showed signs of having feelings for someone else. I asked her, she was honest, so I ended it. The ironic thing is, the girl she had feelings for, she ended up with me. It was incredibly strange, but the first time we talked, we talked for hours, about everything. Then we began hanging out, and within a week we were together. I was completely enchanted by her; she was beautiful, she was genuine, and she was the most fun person to be around. Things were going magnificently, I couldn’t ask for more, then around my birthday, she starts acting a little strange. I dig until she answers me, and she tells me that “she can’t let herself be happy.”

I did all I could, but to no avail. I tried desperately to win her back, but I couldn’t, until I showed interest in someone else. She then contacted me again and we began talking, but we still went through phases of stupid fights over nothing, all because she kept saying that because of her past, she couldn’t let herself be happy with me. Then, I finally got a new girlfriend. Things were great, my new girl and I talked at every opportunity. Then, my ex pops back in my life. She has the audacity to say that I’m emotionless, so I’m completely flabbergasted. She subtly made me miss her more than anything, so I ended it with my new girlfriend.

Now she’s at Basic Training for the National Guard, so I haven’t talked to her in a while, but she sends me letters and they sometimes give her phone back, and she sent me a picture text that said “Miss you, boo.” She does the sweetest things when we’re together, or almost together, but my only problem is that I don’t know how long it will last… Can anyone tell me what the hell is going through her head? I need your help more than anything. :/

So I have been with this girl for a lil’ over than a year. She’s actually my “first”; I was straight until 21 when I was totally attracted to this girl. She looked like a dude alright, but she wasn’t and I could see it. So we moved in together fast enough, but mostly for practical reasons. Everything was then so fine because we could be together all the time, having sex several times a day… Anyway, the good times. But then, I just had too many signs to not accept evidence: she acts like a man; she thinks like one more than sometimes, she really does.

Okay, so you can understand that the straight background (which is now to me an incredible loss of time) comes up constantly. I feel I’m living with a straight man. Who has a vagina. Like: she was a total opened closet door to me. Because she was a she. I find it annoying to experience the same fights than with men. I took the decision to never be with men anymore, for reasons we could discuss at another time. My brain just can’t explain it, I do love her as my first love on the girls’ side, I would do anything for her (if she would let me) but I feel emotionally bad dealing with this anyway. Fighting the impulsive macho type of guy- hope that I am allowed to say that a lot of male are alike: trust me, I know them! So as the time passes, I kinda find her as retarded as a bunch of guys I know: which by the way are my friends sometimes. I really love’em but I couldn’t be with them all the time and share my entire life with one of them.

And I keep on looking at girls all the time without talking to any one most of the time. I am like super exclusive to her, plus we live together, we are used to each other. But I don’t enjoy a lot of things in the everyday life no more. Though when I think of the idea of no longer being with her, I feel I could die. Any advice?

I’m 17 now; one year ago I met a girl. She was the one who tried to make friends with me first. After that we became best friends. 2 weeks later, she told me about her feelings, she said that she loved me; I was really happy because I had the same feeling… We accepted each other and had a wonderful time together, a lot of good memories. But my character is kinda selfish. Whenever we and our friends hung out, I kept her next to me; I didn’t let her go with the others. One day she told me she was really tired and she said that I just loved myself and didn’t think about her, she gave me a lot of chances but I couldn’t change at all… She said she wanted to break up with me… I tried to cling to her but she said it’s over and she won’t give me a chance anymore.

She said she would find a boyfriend and try to forget me. I am confused now, I told her to give me 2 weeks to fix it but she just said: “Whatever!” And today is the second day I haven’t seen her. I try to play games, watch TV… I just can’t forget her. She is the only one I love. Can I have her back? Please help me…

I can wait for her, even it’s 5 years, 10years, till I die… I’ll still wait for her… but please tell me if I still have a chance to get back with her… 7/6/09 will be the day I meet her again… because we hang out with friends…tell me if I can do anything on that day to let her know my feelings, I still love her and wait for her to come back. 18/6 is her birthday too, what can I do now?

I’m from Vietnam… my English is not good so if there are some mistakes please ignore it… and my ex is the only child in her family… I’m afraid her parents will oppose strongly because Vietnamese discriminate lesbians and gays. Please help me… Thanks for spending time reading this.

This (lesbian) question was sent to us by e-mail, if you have any questions but feel uncomfortable with posting them yourself feel free to e-mail: ask@thelesbianquestion.com.

I have a “girlfriend”. We’ve been on and off for 2 years now and recently I’ve tried breaking up with her but it doesn’t stick because I love her, I just don’t see us working out. All of a sudden she has a crush on my best friends ex; my best friend and her ex are talking, might get back together because the ex wants to. My girlfriend has an uber crush on her and said that she wouldn’t talk to my best friend’s ex if it meant we could be together. And then out of nowhere I get on my MySpace and her status says “it’s you” and mood: lusted and loved… and I’m like WTF… I didn’t make her feel that way today… and then I read my best friend’s ex’s status that says… “Is it me?” so I get on my “girlfriend’s” page and notice she has hidden her friend’s page. So I know my way around MySpace and see that she has added her back after she said she wouldn’t, she was going to hide it from me. I feel betrayed and hurt and I thought we were happy, but she just cant stop talking with this girl, this girl tends to be very fake sexual with her friends, and my “girlfriend” is needy and I think has mistaken it for something more. I don’t know what to do.

She says she wants to be with me but needs everyday happiness (I don’t get to see her because he mother HATES ME and gays). But my best friend’s ex wants to get back with my best friend so it’s not the kind of happiness I have given her.

Should I keep trying and try to make us work? Or give up and move on? The moving on part seems harder. :/

I’m not really sure where we went wrong, but I just know that I’m not the same without her… I hadn’t talked to her in a few weeks and I started to really get confused and nervous about what was going on between me and her, I didn’t know what to think… I finally heard from her and by this time I wrote her a note, and when I wrote it, I was upset and in it I said some things that I did mean, but at the same time I didn’t know the situation and why I hadn’t heard from her… at first I thought that things were going to be okay, but now I know they’re not, I called her and it felt like she didn’t want to talk to me and she didn’t have anything to say to me. It hurts to feel like that but I mean she kinda has a right to be mad and needs her space, but I don’t like not talking to her, I think I’ve really messed up this time and I’m trying to fix it, but I’m not really sure what to do or how to go about things… I love her, I do… But I can’t keep putting my life on hold. I want to, but I don’t think that would be best… She’s not really acting herself and I’ve done all that I can do… I really need some advice….

I was in a 10+year relationship with a woman who had a mid-life crisis and decided she needed to move 1000 miles away and has tasted everything she could while promising me we would get married at Christmas. Now we are broken up after 7 months of back and forth. I met a nice guy. He is sweet and nice and I like him but I know that I am a lesbian in need of human touch. He has gone on an assignment far away and my “ex” says she still loves me and I am the one for her and even if we can’t be together now; she will be with me heaven. I haven’t stopped crying for days. I still love her in spite of what she did – I would take her back – but to wait until death, really? I don’t know if I should end the “like” relationship or what. I am in my 40s and just don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone but I don’t want to live a lie. It took me 28 years to come out…

I’m 21 years old and I’m a bisexual… and I really feel bad about myself right now… I had a girl we went on and off for 2 years… I loved her… I know she loves me too… we had plans for our future… then we broke up… maybe we grew tired of the LDR and constant fighting. I broke up with her because I thought it was the best for both of us since I really feel that her attention is slipping as mine does… I asked her if she’s willing to wait, she did not answer my question… then one time when we we’re no longer together she asked me about how would she know if she’s pregnant. I did not answer because I feel its kind of awkward to ask me about that kind of question, and I find it really insulting because we came to the point where we we’re planning to have a baby..

A few months have passed since we last met; my friend told me she just gave birth…

My friend told me that it seems like she wanted me back or wants to know if Id still accept her even if she’s got a baby.

I just can’t… because I won’t forget it… she deleted me 3 months ago from all her accounts online, and I dont know why did she do that this late?

I know she didn’t love the guy… because she was jumping from one relationship from another since we broke up… It doesn’t really matter to me but just can’t stop thinking about it… =(

This is my second post. My first post was titled the same. I am struggling so badly with my emotions. My girlfriend and best friend has found someone else. She still says she cares very much about me as a person… she wants to still be my best friend but feels she lost my love a long time ago. I work with this person and it’s just so hard to separate my emotions. The thought of her being with this other person just tears at my heart. I wake up each day and think today I am not going to cry… WRONG. There is no one to talk to. I am so lonely and sad without her… even though she says we can continue our friendship, my gosh it’s so hard to divide my feelings.

I love her in every way and she has made me a better person because of our friendship and for that I am grateful. I am so angry at the other person. She is married and I believe they want to build a live together. How can I remain so close to her when I have so many feelings for her? I cry myself to sleep every night… and wake up in the morning and think it’s a dream. I was married and went through a divorce several years ago but it was no where near the pain this loss is. I just need someone to talk to. Thanks for letting me vent.

I’m having difficulty being friends with an ex, even though I would really like to be. I may have messed it up permanently earlier today. In the hope that I have not, how does one go about being friends with an ex? Have you ever successfully done it? Were there limitations or boundaries that made it work? What were the circumstances of the prior relationship (length, exclusivity, depth of feeling), and how did these affect it? How did you deal with a jerk boyfriend she had the entire time you were together and is still with (that may just be specific to my circumstances)? Have you ever screwed it up royally and at least know what not to do? I’m looking for advice to be as specific as possible because I’m floundering here.

I’m 17 and I had my first girl but since she was a closet one (I’m not) we couldn’t spend so much time together since she was from school and also she has a litter sister. Everything was fine but one day we went to a friends party and I saw her giving a lap dance to a guy she didn’t know and I was pissed (it surprised me because I’m not the jealous type) so I started drinking a lot till I couldn’t feel anything. Then the other day everyone was telling me that she also kissed the guy, so I called her and asked her. She told my it was an accident (she was sober) but the she told me she kissed him 3 times so I got pissed and called her a slut and I ended our relationship.

Later I noticed that I still had some feelings for her and I was going to forgive her because I really do love her. She told me that she could not be with me since I hurt her real bad and she could not trust me again. But the thing is I really love her and I want for us to be together. I told a friend of ours that I really loved her but he told me that she would not change and have an affair again. The thing is also that I had sex with someone else the day of the party but it was a mistake that I regret because I was drunk and not thinking straight. But the point is that I don’t know If I should insist with her to give me a second chance. Do I really love her or do I feel guilty even though she knows all about it.

Also my mom threatened me that if I were to see or be with her she will go to her house and tell her mom. Since I’m an only child I don’t know if she’s scared or something

Please help.

Hi, I’m new to this and not sure where to start really but here goes. I’m 26 and have been with my girlfriend for 5 years but I don’t love her and I never have. She knows but won’t admit it. I’ve treated her really badly over the years but she won’t let me leave her and I don’t understand why. I keep telling her why do you want to keep me I don’t treat you right (I even won her back 2 years ago after she left me once even though I don’t love her). I’ve done some bad things and you deserve to be with someone who treats you better but she says no she loves me and won’t give up this time but she is driving me nuts and I can’t stand her anymore. I try to leave but she goes crazy, I mean really mental, crying, screaming & threatening to tell my family which she knows gets me every time because I can’t come out to them because I would lose them. They just won’t accept it and they mean everything to me. I really am stuck and it’s all my own fault, help anyone?

Hey,

Well, I don’t know where to begin… I’m 18 years old and I am a lesbian, I know that I am a lesbian very well… I am proud of who I am and what I became but there is one thing I can’t do. I can’t come out to everyone around me and tell them who I am and what I am because I know that my family, my friends won’t understand… and sadly the friends I told are not so close to me anymore.

Even though I try as hard as I can to live my life the best way I can and I thought everything was going well… My story is that I was in a relationship with this girl for 2 years, that girl was my best friend for 3 years before we got together, so I knew all about her, I knew how she felt and when she felt it. She knew how I felt about her, but she wasn’t sure she loved me; she took that chance with me, told me that she loved me and promised me everything. Surprisingly, we were great together, I stood by her side through everything, I gave her everything she ever asked for, I never thought of cheating, betraying her or anything like that. During those two years she cheated on me twice and I forgave her because I loved her very much and I thought she loved me back.

Toward the end of our relationship, in the last 3 months or so, she treated me REALLY bad, and I was suspecting that she was cheating on me AGAIN. I couldn’t find out whether my feelings were true or not, but I left her and it felt like the right thing to do since she didn’t appreciate me or love me. Now I get to see her spend the days with a friend of mine…

I still feel crushed and betrayed by her but I can’t say this to anyone simply because no one knows that I am a lesbian but her… What should I do ? What should I feel? I used to have her to talk to about those things but now I don’t want her in my life but she wants me as a friend like we where before. I don’t know if I have the right to feel hurt because I am moving on. But I feel kind of lost… what should I do?

Recently I’ve gone through a pretty tough break up, and I’m finding it extremely hard to cope. This girl was my first same sex relationship, and although we weren’t together for that long, we moved extremely fast, living together pretty much straight away, and I fell for her very hard, very fast. A couple of weeks after we had gotten together, I found out I was pregnant to a guy I’d been seeing briefly before we got together. My girlfriend said she was fine with it. As naive as I was, I was over the moon about it… although it had only been a few weeks, our relationship seemed unbreakable, and I thought with the baby, I’d have my own little family. It was all well and good, up until Christmas, when she broke up with me, saying she wasn’t ready to be a parent. However, we continued on as though we were still together, doing all the relationship things… she was still telling me she loved me, etc.

I planned a week to go visit a friend, and she told me that when I got back, she wanted us to move back in together. I’d never been so happy in my life. The whole time I was away, she was text messaging me telling me she missed me, loved me, etc. When I got back, she ignored me for the 1st day, turned her phone off and wouldn’t answer any messages. The next afternoon when she finally turned her phone back on, I called her, and she refused to talk to me. 5 minutes after I hang up I get a text message from her saying she has to call everything off between us, with no explanation why.  I call her back, and after several attempts to figure out what I did wrong, I finally ask if there is someone else. She says yeah, someone she’d been hooking up with while I was away.

This was a week before my 21st birthday, and this new chick was only 17. It’s been nearly 6 weeks now, and it’s still not getting any easier. I miss her like crazy. My self esteem has taken a major nose-dive, she’s made me feel that when I have a baby, no one will want me, and I can’t do any of the normal break up things, like go out and have a drink, or a rebound fling or anything… No one wants a pregnant chick… I’m really really struggling t0 get over her, and am scared stiff about how I’m going to cope with the baby… what if I’m still so upset about her, I end up a bad mum… Does anyone have any advice?

I have a girlfriend and our relationship is okay, but… I’m a junior in high school and she’s 30 years old. At first I didn’t mind it. But now I think about my future and I see her there but when I think about raising my kids… she doesn’t really seem to fit there and having kids is a big deal for me. By the time I have one child she’ll be about 45 years old. She’s also going through a lot of health problems and with me living 2 hours away I can’t help her much and I’m trying to focus on school. 

I feel kind of selfish but then again I feel like maybe its time to call it quits. If our relationship was better I think I could look past the age then but I dont feel like we understand each other completely. I want to break up with her but we’ve been together for 11 months and even though we have had a lot of bad times; when we have a good time I really enjoy it even if it’s once in a blue moon. Please help me.

Right now we’re on a break and I keep telling her if we start communicating better than we can continue our relationship but we’ve been arguing a lot for about 6 months now. I can’t take much more. Please give me some advice.

I feel like I’m losing my mind.  My ex (another supposed straight girl) and I were together for like a year. We had an awesome Christmas, and I thought everything was okay until New Year. She doesn’t call. And so I text, probably too much. But she would never call me back, so I started freaking out. She just flat out ignored me and shut me out. But here is some background info: she is a very devout Mormon, (I’m Mormon but not devout.) And she comes from a very wealthy family. She doesn’t work. Daddy pays for everything which is fine. 

I love this girl. She is my soulmate. She is my life and my love. We got in a huge fight, and haven’t talked for 2 months. She broke my heart. I have tried everything that is humanly possible to get back in her good graces, even just to be friends again. 

And then a ‘funny’ thing happened: her dad calls me and tells me that it was either her inheritance or me. So now I know why I have suddenly been dropped. But it hurts. More so than with the woman who I was with for 15 years. No one can tell me that we weren’t meant to be. Too much happened and too many weird things happened that I will never ever not call her my soulmate. Her dad said maybe on the other side when same gender people might be able to be married in the temple that we could be togehter. 

I just don’t get it… She claims she’s straight. But I know different. And now I just found out that she is engaged. WTF? I’m lost and need some advice. Other than ‘move on’. Help…

Ever since my ex and I broke up for the last time, I’ve started to feel like that was my only shot at a genuine relationship. We had dated off and on since we were 17. I am now 23 and this has been my only relationship with another girl. When we first got together my family freaked out and I was forced to run away to another town and finish high school. My ex and I lost contact after she became involved with drugs and other people.

Everyday that passed I thought of her and longed for what was lost. Years later we met again and started hanging out. One day she told me I was the one she wanted and that she had made a mistake. The months that followed were the happiest of my life. Despite my friends dislike of her it felt right. To make a long story short, one week things just fell apart. Now not even friendship remains. Even after everything this relationship has caused me, I would go back in a second if she said the word.

Now it’s been months and I feel like that was my only chance. I feel like I could never love anyone as much as I love her. I have dated men but never another woman. I don’t know how to put myself out there. I feel like I want to date women exclusively but I don’t know how. My family has never been supportive so I don’t involve them in my personal life. None of my friends are gay, and most of them are in successful relationships.

I’m tired of not having a companion. My last relationship took so much from me, I feel like I’ve lost my “game”. I don’t have gaydar and feel lost when trying to find women. I know that the skepticism that is building up isn’t healthy for putting myself out there and especially for coming out.  I want to come out, and be able to find someone to love me. I feel like every time I’ve expressed my sexuality it has only caused problems and pain. How do I get over my ex, my fears, and get on with life? 

Okay, my “story” is just beginning and it would take way too long to go into details, but the gist is: how long does it take to let go of past relationships?  A few months ago, I ended a long relationship with a man.  I ended it for many reasons; one of course was my realization of my sexual preference. The list is a long one by far…. alcoholism… verbal abuse…. control issues… you name it. I left to start over and find out who I am again and start living life. The problem is, the more I try, the harder it is on my ex, therefore the less I want to move on because I can’t stand that I’m hurting someone.

My ex knows that I believe I’m a lesbian and it has been extremely hard on him. I told him because I thought it would make me leaving easier on him… boy was I wrong. Even though we had a disastrous relationship I still have a heart and it is killing me to move on while he’s in pain. I’m meeting new people and I have to keep it from him. I wish I could never talk to him again… move a thousand miles away; but I feel as if it’s not possible. Someone told me once: “what’s the worst that could happen? That he’d kill himself?”… and that is constantly on my mind. Like I said before, he’s an alcoholic… and his drinking is spiraling out of control at the moment. I’m the one who gets the phone call at 3 in the morning to pick him up… What am I to do? Ignore him and have something terrible happen to him? I hate the fact that he is still controlling my life and sometimes I secretly wish something would happen to him, like jail… So I wouldn’t have to deal with it. 

I guess what I’m looking for is any ladies out there that had to leave a relationship before with any substance abuse problems and have some advice for someone like me. How long does it take to let go? What were your experiences like?