I am a 27 year old female who is beginning to seriously question (or is at the very least curious about) my sexuality. To be truthful, it has never been a topic I have seriously pondered in the past. However, there are some thoughts and that I can no longer seem to push away. But before I begin, however, let me give you more background on myself so you might be best equipped to help me with my “issues”. I apologize up front if my “letter” becomes too long.

To start, I have never had a boyfriend and have also never been on a date. I simply have had no interest. All through my growing-up years (and even into today), I have always made it perfectly clear to family and friends that I have no desire to ever marry. Indeed, I cannot imagine myself ever being with a man in a romantic or sexual relationship period. While a man may appear “attractive” (being where the person possesses admirable qualities – physical/mental/character), I myself do not feel a particular “attraction” to the person in a sexual/romantic way (if that in anyway makes sense).

Until a few years ago, I classified myself as heterosexual (despite the fact that I neither have nor wanted to date, a boyfriend, etc.). Yet, it was the only description that I had ever even considered. Then, I began classifying myself as asexual (for convenience and because I truly don’t feel I can classify myself as necessarily heterosexual). It was around this time that I was discussing sexuality with a close cousin of mine. This individual happened to ask me at the time whether I had ever experienced romantic/sexual feelings toward persons of the same sex. I responded no, yet even then I began to question my response.

A few years have passed since then and I have at times thought about that question. I know that there have been times where I have felt a strong attraction or feelings towards a few female friends (and admittedly had the desire to kiss) yet have resisted the urges. I have always pushed those feelings out of my mind telling myself I shouldn’t think of that. I find certain females attractive and to whom I have an attraction. There is also this desire to be with someone. I have been thinking more and more of what it would be like with another female.

Yet, in all this, I am questioning the legitimacy of my feelings. I am wondering if they are truly emotions I have or whether I just want to feel this way? Also, I am questioning whether or not I have really had attractions towards these friends over the years. Finally, perhaps I am just convincing myself that I will have no interest in men and maybe I should force myself out of my comfort zone and perhaps I’ll find that I’m actually intersted. It has taken me many days since discovering your website to get up the nerve to write this letter because part of me feels like a fool. Yet, there is also some relief in writing this letter and getting these emotions (real or all in-the-head) out into the open. I am not asking for anyone to tell me what my sexuality is (or is not) and I hesitate to even classify myself at all anymore. I am just hoping that perhaps somewhere out there someone can empathize with my feelings and sense of confusion and that my thoughts were not too garbled. Thank-you to those who are willing to read and respond to this posting.

Side note: This is a topic I am addressing on this forum because it is not one I can discuss with 95% + of my family and close friends – without risking severing ties with most/all.

6 months ago I would’ve told you I was straight. For the past few months I’ve been waffling between bi-curious, bisexual and lesbian. About a week ago I decided I was bisexual because it seemed like a good compromise. This is causing me a lot of confusion and angst, and I wanted to tell someone because I was spending way too much time in my own head, but I didn’t know who to tell.

I was reading some of the Coming Out stories on this website. I had to go down stairs so I shut the laptop without exiting the window and left my room. Later me and my brother came into my room discussing how delicious Matzo Ball Soup would be. So he said he’d find a recipe online and opens up my laptop…

Him: So, coming out stories, eh?
Me: Yeah I’m bisexual
Him: Ha, well it’s cool if you are
(he thought I was joking at first because my sarcastic voice is the same as my serious voice)
Me: No, really I’m bisexual
Him: Oh, well it’s cool if you are
Me: Yeah I am
Him: Hm, interesting

So it went pretty well, it was pretty awkward, but it’s nice that someone knows and that it doesn’t change their opinion of me.

THANKS The Lesbian Question! You helped me start the conversation, literally.

Hi,

This is your admin talking. I have just deleted two posts in which the author talked about her being abused as a child. I fully admit that I should have been more thoughtful before posting these questions in order to protect the person who asked them. I will look into this immediately and try to find out what measures can be taken and how to avoid this in the future. For one, I will be much more vigilant when publishing questions.

The Lesbian Question aims to ba a safe haven for everyone, but this is of course the internet… that kind of says it all.

Meanwhile I would like to thank every one who has contributed to this website and made it the great forum it has become.

Lori

This is me: I’m 38, I’ve always been with men, but I’ve also had crushes on women since the age of 15. I was in a long-term relationship with my last boyfriend – more than 15 years – and when we split up two years ago it was partly because it was more and more dawning on me that I’m actually a lesbian. He was a good friend, but I didn’t feel sexually attracted to him any more. At all. So meanwhile, I’ve accustomed myself to the fact that I’m undeniably a lesbian: I’m a woman who is physically attracted to women (I don’t even consider men by now) – and I’m happy with that. I love women!

I’m not out to anyone yet, though, and I’ve never had a girlfriend or lesbian sex so far. I’m really willing to tell people I’m a dyke, but I feel awkward saying: Yes, I’m a lesbian, but no, I haven’t got any experience as a lesbian. – See my problem?

There might be a solution: Although I live in a small community in Germany (not a very likely place to meet fellow dykes), there are two women who sort of made a pass at me. The problem is: I’m attracted to neither of them. One is socially below me (I’d sleep with her, but I wouldn’t know what to talk to her about), the other one is a femme, she’s nice, but I’m physically just not attracted to her.

So my dilemma is: In order to come out properly I need a lesbian affair; there are two offers, but I don’t want any of them. What do I do? Pick one of them, be unhappy with her, but finally come out? Leave it and wait for someone I really want?

What would you do?

M knows how much I love her, she knows that I would be with her in an instant and she knows that we are compatible in every way. She and I spent 40 days together 24/7 and we’ve had the best “relationship” I’ve ever had over the past few months. There’s no lies, no games, just me loving someone who can’t give her all and commit her heart, but who is the best friend I could ask for.

I need some help here…..

I am 28 this year and had never gotten into a relationship before yet. I met my best friend in 1999 and since now, it has been 10 years of friendship already. This issue is, I found myself started falling for her since few years back. Before that, I thought that I was probably just attracted to her, maybe because she was like an elder sister to me and nothing more than that. But my feelings for her grew stronger as time goes by. Until now, she is also still single.

The issue is, I am really confused about my feelings for her. Am I really in love with her? Even if this is so, I know that we do not stand a chance at all because she is straight and I am not. There’s nothing I can do at all, I can’t drop any hints and confess to her at all. What if she turns away from me & we can’t even be friends anymore? I can’t do anything to put our current relationship at risk!

First of all, do you all think that I am a confirmed lesbian?

Alright so, to start off let me just say that I’m pansexual and so is she. Second, we’re only in high school.

I have this friend oof mine and I have a most tormenting crush on her. The back story: last year, junior year, we started this weird friends-with-benefits-no-strings-attached thing. And it worked out fine because I forced myself not to like her. Until she started liking me (because the boy she liked was an evil, evil man and he didn’t deserve her, and I guess she used me for comfort). And it stayed that FWBNSA thing for a month or two and then it declined slowly until we were just normal friends again and then school ended.

Over the summer I realize that I really really liked her and wish I had made a move. Then she gets a boyfriend. And of course, I’m in an internal turmoil every time that I see her now because we’re barely friends and she’d much rather flirt with a girl who’s middle name is identical to her boyfriend’s name because it’s “fate”.

I have no idea what to do. I’m trying not to like her because honestly, I missed my chance all because of a stupid choice of words on her part, but it’s easier said than done…

Hey,

I’m kinda having troubles with something and I’m hoping someone has some advice. I know what I’m about to say would sound rather strange and maybe even stupid. I’ve had this female friend for like 3 years, I’ve met her online. She’s from the UK and I’m from IL. Our friendship grew and we exchanged phone numbers. She was always there for me, when my mum passed away, when I had no one else by my side, when I needed an advice.

Lately I’ve started having these feelings for her. She’s straight and she just got into a new relationship with someone. Every time I talked with her it just hurt me because I knew she was straight and that she was taken. After a while I decided to let her know about my feelings which I’ve never ever done before, I knew that she was going to reject me but I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I’ve told her in an email. When she saw it she replied then came on MSN to look for me and when she didn’t find me she sent a text message. She said that she had no idea and that she was sorry for any hurt felt. She kept telling me how good I am and what a wonderful friend I’m in her eyes. She said that she knows how hard it is to love someone and know that they’re with someone else but she didn’t say anything about the fact that she’s straight. She kept on saying that we’ll be friends for ever. I know it was supposed to make me feel better but it made me feel worse knowing she’ll never be mine.

It’s kinda stupid from my part to even let that happen. But I really didn’t plan for it to happen. She said that she’ll understand if I walked away, I thought about it but then decided not to walk away so I wouldn’t come across as weak.

I didn’t hear from her for a day and I’m getting kinda nervous. I’m probably just being paranoid but still. I have no idea how to get through this; I’ve never been rejected before because I never ever made that first step. Any advices would be appreciated.

Thanks, Rose.

Hello. I’m 16 and I think I’m bi. No one would suspect that I am bi and pretty much everyone thinks I’m straight. But I know that I have feelings for women. I get very physically attracted to them and well, women are beautiful! I love everything about them. I also like guys though. I’ve never had a relationship with a guy, or a girl. But recently I’ve wanted to be with girls more.

It’s hard because my friends and family would be in total shock and I don’t want to tell anyone, so this is why I’m doing this here. I’ve been so attracted to women. I look at them more than I do to anyone else. I find myself staring at them wondering if I’ll ever have a girlfriend. But I also like guys; they tend to disgust me because of them being so cocky. I don’t know, I just was wondering if anyone had any advice. It’s hard, and I know that people will understand but I just don’t want to tell anyone. Thanks in advance.

I learned in a gender studies class that gay men generally say that their sexuality is due to biology, i.e., they are just born that way. Gay women are more likely to say that their sexuality is a choice. Since men’s opinions are more valued in most societies, the gay man experience becomes the party line. But is this true for gay women? What do you think? What was your experience? Is it different for lesbians vs. bisexuals? 

I’ll go first. I think both are true. I was always attracted to women. Even as a young child, I remember admiring particular older girls in that certain way. So I feel like I was born with the potential for it. Or that I was born bisexual. As I got older, I focused on guys. I suppose that’s typical of a lot of women whether out of genuine attraction or pressure to conform to the norm. It was genuine attraction for me. If I had found the right guy at the right time, I would have been perfectly happy in the heterosexual lifestyle and never felt like I was missing anything. Instead, I started reading a lot of feminist literature and met the right woman (at least at the time). Now I have decided that I’ll probably stick with women. While I’m still attracted to men and know that I could fall in love with one again, I’d prefer a woman. I just find the emotional intimacy easier and the gender dynamics not as restricting. I don’t have to work as hard at it as I would with a man. 

So I originally identified as straight, many people would probably label me as bisexual, but I choose to be a lesbian. Your turn. 

Exactly 1 year ago The Lesbian Question was launched, meanwhile the stats on the TLQ dashboard tell me the following:

There are currently 127 posts and 431 comments, contained within 19 categories and 42 tags.

Sisters really do always answer. Thanks to all the contributors and commenters (and readers), obviously without you this blog would not exist. All I can say is: keep the good advice coming!

And I can’t help but wondering… are there any TLQ couples out there yet?

I’m young and confused. I’m only 18. I’ve been reading these posts by other people and it seems to me they’ve always known they were lesbian. Over my short lifetime I’ve been attracted to guys.  But all of sudden I find myself curious. What’s it like? Will I like it? Is it right for me? Once in 8th grade, towards the end of our 10 minute break I was getting ready to say good-bye to my best friend. I had to wait until after she kissed her boyfriend good-bye, but when that was over I caught myself just before I kissed her too.  At the time I told myself it was because I was caught up in the moment, so to speak. Over the years I’ve had a few dreams here and there about being with a woman (of indeterminate identity). It was until recently I got really curious. I don’t know why. I spent about an hour or so watching clips of lesbian porn. I got really turned on. I haven’t done anything with a woman but I want to. I guess it be a sort of test for me, like you can’t really discover something unless you’ve experienced it. What do I do? I live in a sort of small town where, maybe not everyone, but people know people who know people.  My best friend from 8th grade lives in another state (I moved a few years back), and I’m not extremely close to anyone here. How do I approach this situation? How do I “experiment”? Should I experiment? I still think men are attractive, so if I were to end up being anything in particular it would be bisexual, but how do I get to that point… the point of knowing just what is, exactly, that I am?