Loneliness

Well honey, coming from one of the perpetually loneliest lesbians on the face of this planet, I’d like to think I have some helpful insight into this. I’m terrified of women, and since they’re my preferred gender, it’s not surprising to realize that I don’t date much. Some things that have helped me cope with the loneliness over the years (and yes, some of them are lame, but they HELP):

1. I was sick of feeling like I was always sleeping alone, because I always sleep so much better when someone is next to me and I feel safer, less lonely, etc. so I slapped down some cash on some large, fluffy, and ever so soft pillows. Before I go to bed at night, I pile them up next to me in a long row, wrap up in my blankets, and then curl against the pillows. Helps me to feel like someone else is there with me, and I sleep significantly better at nights. Which is another thing…

2. One of the best things to help with loneliness is taking care of your physical body. Maybe splurge on some new body wash that’ll help you feel extra special, and rather than wishing someone else would notice how good you smell, think to yourself that EVERYONE notices (chances are, they do) and they can’t have you. Also, physical exercise gets those endorphins going so you feel better. A good night’s rest can also make a world of difference.

3. Focus on yourself. Maybe find a book about a subject you’ve always wanted to be interested in — educating myself has always made me feel less lonely. Which might actually explain my huge library of books. “Homosexuality and Civilization” has kept me from being lonely for at least the past two months, and learning to cook myself a gourmet meal has helped me wile away many a night, and better myself for my future girlfriend. Maybe pick up a musical instrument that has always caught your interest.

4. Don’t become a hermit! I made that mistake for a while and it worked, at first, and then it made it significantly more difficult. Having a supportive group of helpful, loving friends that you can go out and live up life with is such an incredible barrier between you and the lonely.

5. MUSIC. The human psyche is INCREDIBLY influenced by the music we surround it with. For the next month and a half, find yourself some of your favorite happy, uplifting, and rock-your-booty-in-the-kitchen sort of music to fill your home and life with. I don’t know what kind of genres of music you’re into, but if you’re looking for some music suggestions, I’d be more than happy to help you until you find just the right stuff. This also means setting aside some of your favorite slow and thoughtful music, or even any kind of music that makes you slightly want someone romantically. It’s rough, it’s tough, but it really can make a world of difference.

I know some of this is lame, but the best part is, you don’t have to listen to a single ounce of it! Not if you don’t want to. I hope this helps, and I’d love to hear about the progress you’re making over the next month and a half. Good luck! You can do it!

Hey there,

Amoeba-alisa’s advice was really good.

I also think that learning to love yourself and being lonely are two separate issues, but they definitely overlap. As you say, if you don’t have self-love, you make decisions that are either harmful to you or do not make you grow. I read a planetout article about this which was really good:

http://www.planetout.com/health/mental/?sernum=5326&navpath=/channels/health/mental/

If you have self-love then you will have more of an idea as to the things you want out of life and the kind of partner you would like to be with. Look at some of the other articles there - one says that studies have shown that the single most important thing to being happy is having a strong connection with a good group of friends. I think you are looking for such a connection with another partner… this is important, but you want to know you’re getting the RIGHT connection - one which is not just predominately physical. I think the way you can figure out the right sort of connections to have is to find it in the friends you make. After all, your lover will also be your friend too right? If you set a standard for your friends of respect, decency, having similar interests, you’d want to have the same foundation in your relationship.

Of course this is coming from someone who has been single for 4 1/2 years now (not by choice LOL), so take it with a grain of salt. But this is all what I have been doing to bring meaningful experiences in my life, and one day my partner can be a part of that too. you know?

Hope you feel better soon!

I think amoeba-alisa needs to date ME; that could reduce the lonely population right there!

Seriously, I wanted to add something, and you will have some familiarity with this if you are getting sober: maintain an attitude of gratitude. If you’ve tried it relative to your drinking, you know how helpful it can be to simply realize how good you’ve got it, which helps minimize the urge to push for more. So consider that if you’re serial dating, even cuddling with some women, you’ve got it good. There are no lesbians where I live. Half a dozen very hooked up ones, clinging like desperation to each other, especially now that the economy has gone to hell. Other than them, there’s just a bunch of straight women circulating around looking for a thrill, nothing a real lesbian could sink her teeth into or invest any hope in. Enjoy your youth and sobriety, and good luck.