Trust?
I am 27 and I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. I am happy and I love her. She is my first girlfriend and my coming out too. I don’t have a lot of lesbian friends; in fact I met the ones that I have through my girl.
I love being gay, I love the way we are and think, the way we love, I love watching lesbian movies and TV shows, reading gay books, gay comics, gay magazines, listening to lesbian singers, everything! I feel proud! I also love being with my lesbian friends: our talks, our bitter sense of humor… the thing is, my girlfriend is not happy with me hanging out with her friends alone. Because of her work she can’t come with me all the time and she gets mad with me if I go out very often. She says she knows her friends and that any of them could try to flirt with me. I only want to make my own bonds with her friends, make them my friends too, create that “social safety web” we all gay people need since we are not always accepted all the time by our families.
I love her and I wouldn’t cheat on her but also I don’t want to do anything that could bother her, so if she bothers me hanging out with her friends I won’t do it, however It’s sad because I don’t want to loose this opportunity. What can I do? What is the middle point?
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To me, the answer is simple. You need to have a heart to heart with your girlfriend. This isn’t an issue of her friends flirting with you. It’s whether or not she trusts you and your love. If she loves you, if you love her, it shouldn’t matter who flirts with you or propositions you. If you love each other, you will be faithful. Does she have any reason to distrust you? If not, she has to put aside her fears and trust your love. Sounds simple, and it is. Love, trust, faithful. Why that is so hard for people, I’ll never understand.
agree totally with sue… it should make no difference who flirts with you… the issue is with your relationship, and not who comes along… She needs to come to terms with this, otherwise it is very controlling behaviour and it is not a good quality to have…. but for your bit, you have to make her feel like she has no reason to be distrustful… i.e. if they do flirt, then don’t buy into it or tell her about it to make her jealous. Otherwise, her fears are legitimate. Tell her that if it is not going to be her friends, you are goingt o look to find other friends anyway, so the problem will have to be addressed no matter who is in the picture…
cheers and good luck.
I think that maybe it’s not all about her worrying someone will hit on you. She probably also is just jealous that you get to be out with her friends having fun while she’s working. Maybe she feels like you’re replacing her within the group.
I think you should go out and make your own friends. Couples shouldn’t share everything together. It’s okay to have mutual friends, but you also need people in your corner in case things ever go south with your girlfriend. That may be a terrible way of looking at it, but I’ve felt trapped in a relationship because my only friends were his friends too. I thought they would back him, and I’d be sad and alone. It’s not a good way to feel.
If that doesn’t solve the problem, then you two really do have a trust issue that needs to be worked out. Talk to her and figure out what sort of past problems she may be projecting onto your relationship or what you might be doing to make her distrustful. Ignoring the problem won’t solve anything.