Hello
Hi, I’m new to this site. I think I’m a lesbian because I’ve always liked girls, but I’m 14 so I still think it could be just a phase. I just need some help to stop me from thinking the way I do. I feel confused about everything. I am from a Chinese family that moved from Singapore to America 3 years ago. My parents being strict have always told me what to do and I always listen. But recently I’ve been thinking that I’ll be useless once they’re gone. I’m not looking for anyone at the moment but I always feel like there’s no one for me. I do well in school and I skipped two grades so I’ll be in college when I’m 16. But I feel like my success is based on luck and my luck is going to run out soon.
I have friends but when I’m around them I always feel left out and I suspect the only reason why they hang out with me is because of pity and me helping them with school. I love my family and I know they love me too, but I feel disgusted every time my brother comes near me. Sometimes I feel the same way about my dad. I’m very close to my mom but at the same time I feel distant because whenever I try to hint about how I feel, she tells me that I have too much self pity because I’m arrogant. In the end, my only comfort is drawing (which in all honesty, I’m pretty good at). I like to draw myself with other people in different worlds where I’m happy. But sometimes I can’t draw because I can’t think properly and I get angry with myself.
I take painkillers randomly for no reason. I have sudden thoughts about how I don’t want to live but at the same time I’m afraid of dying. I’ve never told anyone that I think I’m a lesbian except for a bisexual friend. Although I told him I was bisexual even though I’m not interested in boys. I get violent and I hit myself because if I hit others I’ll get in trouble. I manipulate my friends into getting in trouble but they haven’t realized I’ve been doing it on purpose. I met a girl once, very beautiful girl, but she never talked to me and I was afraid to talk to her. I kept dreaming of tying her up and doing things to her. I don’t see her anymore and I’m glad I don’t. I need some advice to stop me from being confused and thinking bad thoughts without me having to tell anyone else about how I feel. Is it just a phase? Is it normal? I’ve never asked anyone about this or even talked to anyone so I have no idea why I think this way.
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Hi Anna.
I think there is more to this than just the issue of your homosexuality. This is just my personal opinion, but I do think that you need to see/talk to someone professionally. Perhaps you can start with your high school counselor.
BTW, there are people here who offer exceptionally good advice. Please wait for their comments as well.
Good luck!
dont b depressed.this is not ur age to decide u r a lesbo.stop thinking abut this & just make urself busy.u’ll b ok.pls write me = saikat_owl@yahoo.co.in
If your sexualityis hurting you this much and making you this depressed, then just set it aside and don’t worry, you will know/realize who you are once the time comes. Maybe you are a lesbian, maybe you aren’t, don’t stress, the time will come to you. Right now, just focus on your life, ex. school, friends, family etc… before your sexualtiy. I know, it feels better to know who you are, but it’s affecting you, so don’t let it. And I’d go with what Pinky said, you need to talk to some one that could help you cope with this, I don’t know exactly how your family is but talk to them about this, or it could get worse, and no one wants that. Find someone, a counslor, like Pinky said, they can help you alot.
Also, if you’re unsure about your friends, then talk to them, if you don’t trust them, then find others, there are other people out there better than those ‘users.’ Ones you can actually talk to and pull you through this, mess, I should say.
Good Luck.
Loves, Ro.
Anna, I don’t know if you’ll believe me or want to hear this but part of the turmoil you feel stems from your age. You look around and think everyone else has it together and is happy and you’re the only one with these thoughts. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned everyone carries the weight of pain and confusion and despair inside. It’s human. And I’ve learned things pass. You need to be older to understand that maybe. In the meantime, hang in, find someone to talk to and if that person isn’t right find another. And express your feelings through your artwork. I draw too and it’s very good private therapy. Let your hand and pencil draw the feelings out without thinking too much. Good luck, hon, and love from someone who’s been there.
Hey Anna,
In my opinion, the main issue you are dealing with is not about you being a lesbian at all - it is that you feel fundamentally inadequate. You say that you only have friends because they feel sorry for you and that you help them out at school. You later say that you try to manipulate your friends and that you feel violent tendencies and take it out on yourself. This behavior shows that you hate yourself and that you feel that this is the only way to make friends or to get other people to notice your existence.
Now you are exceptionally smart and I can only imagine the kind of pressure you are under because you come from a family that is just starting up in America. I am sure your parents have put the burden of their family legacy on your shoulders and at age 14, no wonder it is eating you alive. Personally, I don’t think you are emotionally ready for college and all the challenges it faces. College and University are not just about being a Summa Cum laude graduate. It is also about the social and emotional education you receive. Some of my greatest teaches have been my peers. But if you don’t respect the people around you (mainly because you don’t respect and love yourself and you place undue importance on grades and honors), you will never be in a position to learn from them.
But here is the thing: what you need to understand is that while being book smart and getting fantastic grades etc is important, it is MORE important that you are emotionally healthy and accept yourself for who you are. There are tonnes of child prodigies around but who can’t deal with life because their parents have not taught them how to deal with life pressures or provide them with opportunities to interact with their peers in a healthy manner. Just because you are smarter (on paper) than your peers, you shouldn’t feel the need to manipulate them into being your friends or to help them to get attention.
It is more important that you work on WHY you want to engage in the above behaviors. These are questions that only a good counsellor can work through with you. Your main task is to understand why, with all your intelligence, you think you are not worthy of other people’s love. I myself have completed two degrees and I can tell you from personal experience that getting High Distinctions and being at the top of your class is not as personally rewarding as engaging in meaningful emotional experiences and activities with friends. Having someone there to talk to and share your dreams - to learn from other people’s life experiences.
When you love and accept yourself, you will look to the positive qualities of other people and help people out so that they can be the best they can be and not so you can get praise from other people or to make them feel obligated to like you for it. When you love yourself, you will make the decisions and the judgment calls without needing other people’s approval. That is what real strength is all about and no school or textbook can teach you that - you need to experience life and do a lot of work into figuring out your emotions before you come to that realization. It takes a lot of emotional strength to deal with a mind as intelligent as yours.
Speak to your counselor and work on being happy and accepting yourself. Once you do that you will find it easier to come to terms with your sexuality.