Am I Crazy To Think There Could Have Been Something?

Hello everyone,

I don’t exactly know where to start… and it took me a long time to actually write and share this with anybody. I’m new here and pretty clueless. So this post is kind of just me letting my situation be heard (any feedback, advice is appreciated). I apologize if it’s rather long and well, I honestly just don’t know what to do…

Before anything else, a little background just to put things in context - I come from a conservative family and a conservative community and I pretty much had a very heterosexual upbringing. I never really had gay friends in high school because the only gay guy I knew was hiding in his closet… and I used to think my gaydar was good until I realised that a friend I’ve known for 4 years is actually gay (I found out just last year… and we ended up being really close.) I became more open when I went to university in Europe and actually have more gay guy friends than straight ones. And I suppose I AM a fag hang considering I hang out way more with my gay friends than my girl friends…

Anyway, I’ve lived in the gay district for almost two years now and frankly I didn’t choose to because I’m gay. I actually chose to live there because it’s my favourite part of town and there’s just something about the shops, bars, restaurants, the people they have there that’s amazing, chic and relaxed at the same time… plus I love hanging out with gay men - I love gay men. so yeah, I’ve lived there for about two years but never really thought about the fact that it is also the where most of the lesbian bars are - turns out I live right down the street where all of them are (yes, I was that naive). My gay friends (w&h) actually make so much fun of me for being a straight girl living right in the gay neighborhood…

So anyway, as far back as I could remember, I’ve always liked boys. Although I do appreciate beauty and have found lots of girls attractive. But I never really paid much attention to any of those attractions ’til recently. when I think about it, it started one uneventful day in the subway… it was probably nothing, but this beautiful girl wouldn’t stop staring at me - and okay, again, maybe my gaydar is THAT bad, but I felt like that stare was not the typical stare that I’m used to getting - the ones where she’s actually trying to figure out what you’re wearing and whether your makeup matches your outfit or whatever… there was something about the way she looked at me… that didn’t lead to anything but that was the beginning of it all. Ever since then, I notice women even more everywhere I go… I even had this huuuuge crush on this amazing girl I know, who is also living proof that my gaydar sucks when it comes to people I’m attracted to… as she turns out to be straight (I found out the hard way, of course, after I made a fool of myself)

Okay so, before becomes longer than it already is, I’ll go straight to my dilemma. I constantly hang out with w&h, and I don’t remember why but they decided that they’re tired of going to gay bars so they wanted to go hang out at a lesbian bar (I’ve never been to one) and apparently h’s favourite bar back in LA happens to be a lesbian bar… So they took me to one of the famous lesbian bars on a Sunday night. It was pretty empty, save for a couple or two making out in the corner. That place has AMAZING drinks - so amazing that we became regulars but somehow we always end up going on nights where the place is almost empty. Yeah, there was a time we went there twice in a week.

So anyway, a few days before gay pride, we were there, the three of us just hanging out enjoying our delicious drinks with this hot gay dude drunkenly dancing and prancing around when she walks in… she was beautiful, mysterious, captivating… she was with two other girls but somehow there was something about her that just drew me in and I couldn’t stop looking at her (kind of creepy, I know)… maybe it was the alcohol but I was determined to at least make eye contact in the hopes of maybe leading to something. I couldn’t stop myself from looking at her the whole time even while talking with my friends silently hoping that she was NOT with either of the girls (turns out she was but that didn’t stop me from admiring her across the room) so after a few minutes, she sees me and looks me right in the eye… I couldn’t read her expression AT ALL so I just pretended to be busy chatting and laughing while holding her gaze. I could go on and on but anyway, I met one of the gay men while I was outside smoking and we ended up joining this table right next to hers… she went out of a smoke and when she walked back in, she saw me, mouthed a “WHAT???” and sat right back. okay, I kind of panicked a little - I didn’t want to piss her off or creep her out… and I don’t know what came over me but I went back to looking at her. she got into a heated argument with one of the girls - and by heated, I mean, there was broken glass… she other girl left and things subsided quickly and in no time we got introduced… music was loud that I could barely hear her… okay, maybe I could hear her but I was hanging on to everything she was saying and didn’t want to miss a word. So I moved to the seat next to her. We ended up talking and getting to know each other… we got big things in common - like how we both come from conservative families and conservative communities… so anyway, I asked her if she wanted to join me for a smoke outside… and we did. We talked some more although it was not THAT easy as her English is NOT that good but we managed. She asked me if I lived alone (it was a weird question, okay, maybe it’s the language barrier) and I said yes. She asked me if I was with someone (she thought that my girl friend who met up with us was my GIRLFRIEND) I said no… she couldn’t believe it but I was telling the truth (my friend was definitely straight) so we kept on talking and laughing - at one point she was barely an inch away from my face, she was standing THAT close while talking to me… she repeated like two or three times that “there’s something about you…”
To which I just shrugged and laughed… she told me I should visit her sometime and that made my heart skip.

I eventually got the courage and asked her if she was together with that chick who left… she told me about her situation which is the epitome of DRAMA… I told her I understand, and I do. In some strange way, I do. She then said, “Ah, yes. That’s what it is… I don’t have to say anything but you know and you understand.” my head was spinning (maybe it was the alcohol too) and my heart was pounding… we looked at each other, smiling. Then more talking… until my friends emerged from the bar ready to drag me home. She gave me her number before she left - she even put it on my phone herself… after which she added, “the ball is on your court”.

I don’t know what I was thinking since she was only visiting, she lived in an entirely different continent (which I justified to myself that it was only a 4-hour plane ride away… yes, I’m crazy) and I wasn’t even sure if I’m gay or not, I mean I still sleep with guys.
Yes, I know I know… but the point is, I called her the next day and the day after that but my calls wouldn’t go through… so I sent her a text message and got a delivery report which meant it was the right number. I didn’t hear from her AT ALL so I thought, well, that’s that.
Yes sure, she’s by far, the most beautiful girl I’ve seen and yes, she is very HOT, even w, thinks so… w, who despite all his lesbian jokes directed at me, is convinced I’m straight… but even then said that I should call her and get together… but too bad. Oh well… the ball is back in her court - I sent her a text message if she doesn’t reply then there’s not much I can do.

So I thought that’s that — I know this sounds lame, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her and I was even secretly hoping to bump into her during gay pride. But nothing. Zilch. I know, one night - not even an entire night… an hour or so and I’m going crazy thinking about her… so nothing. Zilch. Until I left for summer vacation and got a text message from her… IMAGINE how pleasantly surprised I was. she said she got my message but is having problems with her phone but I should call or text her whenever I want… then, with that tiny spark of (deluded) hope, I called her — we talked for awhile and decided to keep in touch, she gave me her email. And I guess this proves how pathetic I am, but I sent her an email right away and called her just to check if I had the right address. I did. So I emailed her and explained that I was on vacation… she said she might go visit my city again and we will definitely meet up this time blah blah. She asked me to send her photos since she’s never been to my country and I sent her a photo of me and some of my country… a few more exchanges and I ask her to return the favour - she promised to send me a photo from her computer at home… I waited, and waited but I haven’t heard from her since then. I called her after not hearing from her for a week… twice. The first time, it was probably a bad time because she asked me to call back in an hour. Because of the time difference, I fell asleep and was not able to call her back… so after a few days, I call her back… I asked her if we could talk, she said, sure of course… then suddenly there’s some commotion and she said she’d call me back. But she never did… and I have not heard from her since then. It’s been 3 weeks.

As I said, I’m new to all this. I don’t even know if I’m lesbian, or bi or straight… and I really don’t care. I’m not big on labels anyway. I mean, I still find guys attractive, but I also check out girls… and I always find myself thinking about her. Out of the blue.
I always end up thinking about her - remembering her smile, her face, her voice, down to every little detail about that night… I was even planning to visit her sometime soon… crazy, I know.

I don’t know what to do. And I know this may all seem pathetic but I need an unbiased opinion. I just have to know. What was that about? I mean, okay, I was the one who wouldn’t stop staring at her but she was the one who flirted with me and gave me her number. What should I do?
Should I just forget about her and move on?

Thank you for taking time to read this and thank you in advance for any comments/advice.

Cheers!

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