How Do I Move On?

I completly feel you on the alone part but sometimes you just have to do it.1for your sake and 2.for her sake.being alone isn’t as bad as it seems .you learn alot about yourself and what u really want in someone.I dnt know where to find a new girl ,,I’m currently looking myself because I finally got the courage to be alone. A lot of my friends tell me my problem is that I’m looking and when I stop looking I’ll find her….so give being alne a chance …

Truth be told, I’m the friend who watches all my friends go through the issue. My advice is to break free. If you recognize there is a problem fix it. As for finding someone new, mix things up…find new places to hang out at, make some new friends to hang out with. If you stir things up you wont constantly find yourself in the same situation.

I feel for you completely. I had a pretty bad breakup ages ago (my ex cheated on me with two other girls), but truth be told, it forced me to find myself again and really look to what I want out of life. I was sort of really directionless for a few years after the breakup and kinda just went through the motions because, well, it just really tore me up. I then had all these other health problems and was exceptionally lonely, but finally I stumbled on a career path I really wanted to pursue. I spent a lot of my time and energy into that because I, quite frankly, knew that I would make a really bad girlfriend at the time. I found it hard to focus on my work because I was pretty lonely, but then again I couldn’t really connect with the girls I dated because I wasn’t at the stage of my life where I was happy. I realized this and decided not to enter anything serious and each day , month, and yes year got better as I started thinking about where I wanted to be in my life personally.

After some years, I can say that I have had my lonely times, but I am at the point where I have just finished law school and couldn’t be at a better stage in my life - I am actually excited to move on and live than waking up and dreading what will happen that day. I am now at the time where I know that a relationship would work if I entered into one.

However, I like you, would only want someone who would love me for me and show other signs of having a mature perspective on life. I guess you come to expect that after putting up with a lot of bullshit. And, I am sure it is because you have been on the other side of the road and know what it looks like.

Issue 1: Loneliness

My perspective is that it is better to be lonely than to have someone who will treat you badly. And, I will back that statement with some reasons for you :):

(1) Being with someone who makes you feel unworthy is contagious, especially if it is someone you love and admire and have put all your efforts into. It will wear you down and you will start sacrificing your life for them in a way that compromises and hurts you. You wouldn’t accept such behaviour from other people in your life, so why should you accept it from someone who has the potential to hurt you the most?

Being alone maybe crushing at the beginning, but eventually you learn that it is good because the focus is suddenly on making YOURSELF happy. It will force you to find what will make you happy, rather than having someone there to fill some of the gap. If you have someone there to fill in the gap, you will never learn what it takes to be happy from the beginning and if you start with someone like your current gf, then that makes things much worse. However, if you know what makes you happy and then find someone great, you will have your own interests and experiences to bring to the relationship; your independence and own interests will help the relationship grow as you will be constantly learning from and growing with each other. That’s what I call completion, and I know what it looks like cause I have seen it in other couples.

(2)If you find your interests and learn to be independent, then you will be less willing to accept the same behaviour as your current gf in future prospects. Even though you may find this heart-breaking and may think that you can’t get the right girl, I would think of it as being one step closer to finding the person you were always meant to be with. I think if you find you are constantly getting stuck with girls who treat you like this, then you may want to think of the patterns or things that you are attracted to, but really should be seeing as a red flag. I will give you an example: girls who are constantly the life of the party and are ultra charismatic. Many girls who fit that mold are genuine and great, but there are equally a lot of girls who have that trait who are just drama queens and will take you on a roller-coaster ride. So, exhibiting that trait is great, but proceed with caution when you like a girl with it.

(3) Being alone will help you find greater emotional connections with other people including your friends. I ended up trying to find a lot of lesbian friends that I could have a laugh with, experience nice restaurants with and really having a good time with. We talk about what we would like in a partner, but we also just ‘get’ where we are each coming from. With true and genuine friends around you to talk to and will be with you for the long ride, you will appreciate the important things in life and what it takes to have a great relationship. You will want these traits of respect, decency and trust that you find in your friends in your partner as well and not just a physical attraction. After all, if you’re going to be in a serious relationship, then those qualities are what it will take to work.

Issue 2: Where to find the girls

I think this is the million dollar (maybe 10 million dollar) question every lesbian would like answered. From my lesbian friends who are in great relationships, they met their girl in many different contexts - through friends, at film festivals, at work, at sport meets etc. I think the main issue is that if you are doing the things you love and living your life, chances are that a lesbian will come by who also enjoys the same things as you and shares a common life-purpose. And if you are truly happy with yourself, she will probably think you’re pretty interesting because you have a smile on your face and enjoy life. I think that’s what it all comes down to mate - enjoying life and finding a way to make it work even when people around you are miserable or tearing you down.

If I were you, I’d try to meet a lot of lesbian friends and find things to do together that you’ll all enjoy - going to the club, the driving range, and having a good time. You’ll probably learn a lot from them and they you, and it’ll give you the confidence to start looking again with the right objectives in mind.

I hope things go well for you. Good luck with everything.

My only thoughts about your comments are you have to know yourself before anyone else can. Unless you can let go of your current relationship which from your opinion is only with you because you are the safe way out, you won’t be open to anything thats new, whether it’s another relationship or new opportunities. Your choices will always be based on this current relationship. If you can figure out who you are away from this girl thats breaking your heart you will have a better chance of standing on your own two feet and have a better chance of finding a more stable life and relationship. Stop trying to hold on to a relationship if the other girl doesn’t make you feel wanted. Take it for what it is. Talk about it with her, but let her know how you feel, If you don’t get the response you were looking for, then thats not who you need to be with. But don’t be selfish either, look to see if you are not too demanding either. This is why you might just want to date and be alone for the mean time. Its the only way to fully know what you really want.

Wow i must say when i read ur piece i felt for u …my ex wife seemed like the women of my dreams but a week in i was cheated on…i stayed..we would get alone for a few days and she was off smoking blunts with her ex that had cheated on her …and me she left me for her…then she found her way into my life and i took her back it was love this time and i thought oh yes finally she will love me…no she slept with a married dorkey nasty older man with a kid…then came and fucked me then told me aboout it while i was lying there naked in sickness…we fought and argued and it got worse we couldnt be near eachother she would leave me saying she would come back then she wont ..i would call and no answer i loved her right she was my everything i was so sure of it …i slit my wrist i did x daily i became belimic and anerixic…if i couldnt control her i would control something about me..i got sick and i cried all day every day i was the movie class heart break love gone to hell….it ended ..we got back together a month later she would say she loves only me and wants to marry me..i believed it …so back again fooled again and i dunno why i always thought it was better THIS TIME..it never was …we fought so much she begain hitting me telling her friends/band/fuck buddies …yea her nasty gross perverts in her band she started to fuck and i couldnt take it …i would go to work black and blue ..cring ..i was in lover remember that…well 5 years of abuse and mental harrasment …it ended …she had someone before we broke up this may and she told me she never loved me and never did she want me i was a leach on her soul…i died i went into a dark place and stayed there..i lost my job that day i moved into my parents house and i didnt shower for a week ..no make up no hair spray ..nothing no heels at the club i had given up…i cried and cried and drank and did drugs i was so sad i loved her and for what reason did i deserve this i was a great person i never cheated ,i cooked cleaned took care of her paid her bills…bought her anything she wanted and fucked her when she wanted …i was trash to her i felt so low so dark that i didnt want to live i gave her my virginity …love at 17 …its all a dark past…today was the first day since may that i acctually smiled and felt like i maybe am worth a lil something a lil happyness and someone to love ..the hard thing is being alone i cry and ithink of some good times but i just cant grasp that i was in love with a lying cheating full of shit girl thats mental not stable that cant do anything for anyone but herself …so the big question …was it worth it..no..i rather be single and know the reality then to have been so blind and let my hear t love her…when she didnt deserve me or my love..love is a joke and personal i hate being alone but i am and thats the reality so my best guess ..follow what u think is right for urself and be true and honest or ull end up like me one big mess …emotional…loves not worth believeing is something unless ur sure that person feels the same way.